For another round
by Silverael
Summary: Clarke has dropped out of college, her past haunting her. Lexa is popular, the perfect playgirl. They're both trying to hide their issues, but when Clarke becomes Lexa's new target, their issues collide. Clexa AU !
1. Chapter 1

**Hiya !**

 **I'm back with a new story that I started writing in english, but I will also post it in french.**

 **It's a story with both POV. The first chapter is only Clarke's point of vue, but you'll get Lexa very soon in the next chapter.**

 **I let you read, don't hesitate to tell me what you think of this beginning ! ;)**

* * *

Clarke

I hate it. There's this dazzling light burning my eyes. I close them, thinking the light will disappear, but it still strikes me. I feel it flickering, shadowing the bottom of my eyes as if they weren't dark enough.

I open my eyes at the sound of the bus stopping. I wish I had a car. I wish I hadn't gone to that party. I wish my mother had never called me to ask me for the billionth time to come home. I wish she could just accept the fact that I'm done with med school.

Yet, I still live on campus. I work here. I do the dishes for the campus restaurant, cheaper than any other restaurant around the university. No one knows yet. I dropped out of art school last july, a year after I dropped out of med school. I simply couldn't get along with college anymore. But I like campus.

I went to the homecoming party last night. A party out of town, in the woods. There was usually a bonfire, but not last night. Last night was raw. Alcohol, loud lame music and people sneaking away from the crowd to go get some privacy somewhere between the trees.

I don't judge them. I am like them. That's why I don't go back home to my mother. I can't leave. I don't feel like going back home, I don't especially want to stay here too, but it's okay, for now. The campus isn't bad. I've got a job, and I guess I'll figure something out in the upcoming months.

But I don't hope I will. I don't hope anymore.

I get to my tiny room in the employees' building. I moved out from the student room I shared with a friend last summer. Raven was a nice roommate, so I sent her a text a week ago, the day I moved out, for her not to worry or feel guilty. I've seen her last night. She didn't ask where I live now, as I'd told her I got an apartment in town close to some student job I'd just got. I lied.

I don't want them to know I work for the university now, instead of studying. I didn't tell them I dropped out, but they'll figure it out soon enough. I don't want them to think I'm miserable, because I'm not. I'm fine.

I take my clothes off and fall in bed. It's eight in the morning. Tomorrow, I'll be working at this time of the day. Eight hours straight in the back of the university's big canteen.

I didn't eat there for my first two years of med school. Then I dropped out, took art instead, and my mother helped me less and less, so I ate at the cheapest place, hiding it to my friends, because I didn't want them to ask about my mother. And other stuff. I don't want them to ask about me, it's none of their business, they're doing well at school and I want them to focus on it, not on me.

I think too much. My head hurts, I need to sleep. I roll on my side to grab the vodka bottle lying under my bed. I take a sip, then a long gulp.

I don't care about it burning my throat, I only think about the dizziness it will bring me. The weight it will lay on me before pushing me up into the air. So I can finally fall asleep.

* * *

It's evening already. I slept through the day. I take a quick shower in the one-human-long bathroom I've got, then I check my texts. Raven is meeting the others at Luna's tonight. It's the best pub around, we used to go a lot before I dropped out of med school. It's funny, how I've had more time to go out after dropping out, and I didn't. But since I've dropped out of art school, definitely quitting college, I've been longing to spend more time out. I will join everyone at Luna's tonight, I'll just have to keep myself from buying too many drinks.

My mother isn't giving me any more money. She thinks I won't be able to survive on my own but I've been doing fine and I'll keep handling myself. It's not really that I don't want to go back home to her. I'm just not ready to face her, and everything. I need to be on my own for a while.

I take my phone, my keys, leave my room and put them into the front pockets of my jeans. Just jeans, a hoodie, Converse shoes and I feel comfortable.

I arrive at the pub twenty minutes later. Raven, Bellamy and Octavia are already there. Raven's eyes enlighten when she sees me, bored of hearing the brother and sister arguing. I don't know what they're arguing about today, but it's probably silly.

"Clarke !" she yells, and comes to me. We sit at the bar and order beers. "How are you doing ?"

"We've seen each other last night, Rav," I say. She's of the few ones who know the slightiest part of what happened two years ago, and I know she doubts I've left med school because of it.

She'll be even more worried when she'll notice I've dropped out of college.

"Yeah, I know, I'm just making conversation," she answers, then taking a sip of her beer.

We drink in silence. The new school year has barely started and I know Raven wants to point out the fact that I would've been in my last year of med school. The last year before internship. I feel her comments everytime she looks at me, everytime she says the tiniest common word, but I pretend I don't feel it.

"So, second year of art school, huh ?" she asks me.

There she goes. I can barely hear her say 'unless you dropped out of that one too' but I won't say it. I didn't come here to be judged.

"Art is fine," I reply. It's not a lie. I like art, I just don't like school anymore. I would keep drawing if I had ideas, but I don't, so instead I work, sleep, lose myself on the internet, and walk around campus.

Somehow I hope someone will buy me a drink tonight, because I don't want to pay to drink alone, and I can't buy drinks for others. I'm trying to be responsible. I know I'm not. But I'm trying.

More people come in, I don't mind them unless they come say hi. Bellamy has stopped arguing with his sister seventeen minutes ago. I'm bored, so I talk to him a little.

"I'm gonna have a psychology project," he says, "and I might need your help. They want us to study sexuality this semester."

I sigh. Bellamy wants to be a councellor, in middle or high school, he's not sure yet. He's worked through some serious topics these past three years, and I knew this one would come. Sexuality. Obviously, he came to me.

"I'm not your only bisexual friend, go find yourself another subject," I snap.

I've been harsher that I actually wanted to be, but I don't like Bellamy bringing this subject up since he got mad at me for not wanting to date him in senior year of high school. He apologized many times since, but I still want this topic out of our conversations.

"Sorry for asking for your help," Bellamy answers and leaves. He seems angry and disappointed, but he knows why I reacted this way. Furthermore, I don't want to be a subject for anyone.

I order another drink, stronger. I took fourty minutes to finish my beer because I know I always want another, and I don't want to throw money away that easily. I can be responsible.

Okay, maybe I order more after finishing the second. And maybe I order stronger drink everytime, if that's even possible. I always think they're stronger as I'm getting more and more drunk, but I refused playing games with Raven and Monty, and I pushed Octavia away with a groan when she came to ask why I was drinking alone at the bar while everyone was having fun.

I just want to sit here and drink for now. Well, actually I need to pee, and I stand up cautiously because I know I've already drunk too much. How many drinks ? Five, maybe six. Some people might think it's not much, but my body is telling me otherwise. I drank too much last night, free booze, and the smallest amount of alcohol today would've taken me down anyway. That's why I kept drinking. Yeah, that's a good reason.

I bump into the door coming into the bathroom and I ignore the laugh of some ginger girl I forgot the name of. I feel lighter after having used the toilets and I'm washing my hands. I don't pay attention to the girls coming in and out, until I realize one is staring at me while washing her hands on my right.

I throw her a confused glance and she speaks.

"If you want to keep washing your hands for another fifteen minutes, maybe you should turn the water on."

Right. My hands are soapy. The faucet is mocking me, or maybe I've had enough alcohol for tonight. I sigh and aim for the faucet, but the girl do it instead. She even takes my hands to rinse them. Once she's done, she grabs some paper, dry them, throw the wet paper into the trash and go away, leaving me dumbfounded.

I swear she had a smirk on her face. I know her. I know I know her, I'm just a bit tired. I should go home. I get out of the bathroom, aiming for the pub's exit, but the owner, Luna, calls me.

I find myself sitting at the bar again.

"What's up ?" Luna asks. "There you go." She hands me a drink and I'm ready to refuse. I've put enough money into drinks tonight, and I've drunk too much, but she adds "From Lexa. I guess you're her new target."

' _What ?_ ' is all I can think about. Then I realize it was her, in the bathroom. I wasn't paying attention, but now I can see the green eyes staring at me reflecting in the mirror. Lexa Woods. She's popular for many reasons. I look around and see her, sitting at a table, talking to some guys. She doesn't try to look at me. I'm sure she knows I'm looking at her and thinks I'm going to join her with the drink she bought me.

But I won't. Instead, I tell Luna to give Lexa back her drink, and I leave the bar. I saw surprise on Luna's face, but I think she shrugged when I turned away. And walking through the exit, I swear I feel Lexa's glance on me again.

I may have wanted someone to buy me a drink all night, but not her. Not Lexa. I've heard enough of Lexa to know better than to accept a drink from her.

* * *

The week has gone fast and it's sunday. I've been ignoring my texts and calls all week and stayed in my room all weekend. I hope there won't be any of my friends at the pub tonight, because they've noticed I haven't been to school this week and I think they understood.

They know I've dropped out.

Everyday I worked at the cafeteria from 6am to 3pm. It's a lot of cleaning, for nine hours straight, with just a twenty-minute break, but I don't mind. I took the easiest job to get. It keeps me busy, it gives me money, I'm not complaining.

Weekend feels good though, after five days of work. I need to go out a bit, breathe fresh air, sit at the bar sipping a beer. I hate beer, I find it disgusting, but it's cheap alcohol, so I always start with that.

I'm surprised to see there are at least thirty students inside the pub. For a sunday night, it's not bad. I sit at the bar and Luna spots me right away.

"Hey, Raven's been looking for you, says you haven't answered any of her texts," she says straight away. She doesn't even bother asking what's up with me, she knows I never really answer to that.

"I've been busy," I say, which is true. I never fully lie. She looks down and up, searching for any clue, but she doesn't find anything. She looks away and gives me a beer, for which I already pay for. Luna is gonna have to tell her girlfriend I'm fine, because she couldn't get any information out of me. Raven will probably answer 'I really have to do everything by my own, do I ?' and Luna will sigh, as always. Maybe the bar owner will even be mad at me for not giving her the answers she needed to make Raven proud, but I don't care. They're both hard-headed, too stubborn for me to care about their pride.

I'm having a mojito when my former roommate storms into the pub.

"CLARKE GRIFFIN !" she jumps on the seat beside mine and I can feel the other people's glances on us. Raven and discretion are not compatible. "Where the hell have you been ?!"

"Around," I answer, and I have the sudden idea of pretending to be too drunk to answer clearly.

"You've dropped out again, don't you ?"

I let a few seconds fall and whisper "I like the color of the walls."

She stares at me looking at the wall. I try to empty my glance as much as possible and it works. She sighs and go talk to her girlfriend, knowing she wouldn't get any answer from me tonight.

But I know I'd better not meet her tomorrow, because Raven never stops until she gets what she wants. Stubborn, she is, I said.

I drink peacefully until someone slides on the same seat Raven used earlier. At first I thought it was her, but it's not.

"Hi, Clarke," I recognize the voice, "enjoying yourself ?"

"Lexa," I spit. I take a gulp of my drink, showing how I don't care about her at all.

I hear her order two new drinks and I know she's gonna keep talking to me.

"Can I know why you refused the drink I bought you last week ?" she asks. So predictable.

I sip my drink for at least half a minute, convinced she'd get bored of me, but she keeps watching me.

"It's not because you buy me a drink that I have to accept," I end up answering.

She doesn't react, not straight away. She grabs her fresh drink, swallow it in five seconds and ask for another. She's unbelievable. I barely look at her. I don't want to give her the attention she's seeking.

"Will you accept this one ?" she asks, and I'm already tired of her questions. She slides the glass that's been waiting for me for a couple of minutes now, and even though I'm all up for a free drink, I don't want one from Lexa. This girl is trouble, and I'm trying to stay out of it.

"No thanks," I reply.

Lexa doesn't lose her composure. She keeps staring at me and it's starting to piss me off somehow. I don't like being bothered, especially when I'm bothered by someone as insistent as Lexa.

"You spend hours alone in bars, but you don't want anyone to offer you a drink ? You're more interesting than I thought," she says, making my ears wish they were deaf.

I finish my drink, lay some cash on the counter and stand up. I don't want to stay here if someone is going to keep questioning me.

"Leaving so soon ?" Lexa asks. All she can do is ask questions. She's not very original.

"Yeah, someone's annoying me," I answer, and I shoot a glare at her.

That's how I find out her jawline is sharper than I thought and her eyes aren't that green, they're more 'green with shades of grey' like, and her stare pierces through me. It makes me mad, but I also understand why so many people have been mesmerized by her.

I turn around and walk away. I'm disappointed, somehow, because I know that if Lexa hadn't been so annoying, maybe I would've given her a chance. And yet, Lexa isn't reknown for being a sweetheart. She's physically totally my type though, even more than my type, she's stunning, and I understand how she could get so many girls on campus. It frustrates me for the rest of the night.

* * *

I hate wednesday. Last sunday night may not have been a blast, but at least I came back to my room drunk. Today, I'm cleaning. And it's wednesday, so I've been cleaning three hundred more dishes than the other days. I don't know why there are more students coming here on wednesday, they jut do, and that makes me regret taking this job, but I know I'll get money out of it, and I feel better.

It's 2pm when I finish cleaning dishes in the back, and it's time for me to go clean the tables. Most students should be back to class now, or to whatever they do after lunch. The room is huge, we're five employees with towels in hand at the moment. We have one hour to put everything in order before the end of today's service.

I start cleaning, clearing my head at the same time. At some point, I feel observed, and without knowing I know whose stare is on me, because I always get the same feeling out of it. At first, I don't want to look up. I don't want to find out my feeling is right. I don't want to see her. She can't have found out about me working here, and if she did, I call it stalking.

I go on cleaning until I reach the row of table with only one person sitting at the last table. Everyone else is gone, but she remained. I know it's her, I know she's gonna get on my nerves. I finally look up when I get to her table. I wish one of my coworkers would've taken this side of the room, but they didn't, and I feel trapped.

I meet her eyes and she's smirking, phone in hand turned toward me. I shoot a look at it, and see a picture of myself.

"I've got about eighty per cent of students from our campus following me on Twitter," she says. "I wonder what they'd think of Clarke Griffin dropping out to work here as a cleaning lady."

It must be a huge joke. What did I do to her for her to harass me ? I refused the drinks she bought me, which is my right, and her ego must be harmed.

"Why are you doing this ?" I ask coldly. I've never been close to her. Our paths must have crossed at parties or on campus before but we never talked.

"You've been rude to me, so I'm returning the favor," she says, her arrogant smirk closing my fingers around the soapy wet towel in my hands.

"You think refusing a drink is rude ?" I answer, keeping my voice steady even though I feel like cleaning that smirk off of that girl's face.

"I was being nice to you, the least you could do is give me five minutes of your time," she answers.

I don't want to let anger win, that would just please her, so instead I answer "I've given you enough time already." I try to walk away, finish the work I'm supposed to do, but I hear her cheeky voice speak again.

"I suppose you don't mind if I post this beautiful picture of you then ?"

Whether I go have a drink with her mocking me all the way or she posts the picture and everyone knows what I've been up to. In both cases, my pride gets knocked down.

I don't want everyone to know but I can't let Lexa get to me. I never wanted anything from her, and her attitude disgusts me.

"Whatever," I answer.

I return to the back of the kitchen, away from Lexa's sight. I've heard too much about Lexa to consider spending time with her. Deep down, I know what she wants. I also know it wouldn't have bothered me this much if she had been nicer to me.

I don't know how she got this attitude, but I'm thinking - maybe she has as many issues as I do, if not more.


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa

I've read a hundred comments. Surprise, shock, mockery, I can see everything. The whole campus have seen the picture which has been liked and retweeted enough times for it to reach the Moon. Some comments are surprised someone as talented and serious as Clarke could drop out to work full time for the school. Some comments mock a girl they barely know.

And there's one, from a girl I know without being friends with, who seems sad and disappointed. ' _I can't believe she did this..._ ' from this Raven Reyes girl, and an answer from Bellamy Blake, a guy who hangs out a lot at my frat house. He's always surprised to see me living with boys, but he also knows why I've been forced to leave my sorority house. I messed with my sisters, played with more than half of them, and when they found out everything they couldn't bear having me around them anymore. It's a reknown story on campus, and as I read Bellamy's message I wonder if Clarke's story will become as popular as mine.

' _She dropped out again... to work at the cafeteria ?!_ ' I guess they're her friends and they worry about her. I would too if I was close to this girl but she won't even let me approach her.

Seeing the comments, and the views on that picture, I want to feel sorry for her, but I can't. She didn't want to talk to me, maybe she needed to be reminded she's not a princess. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't help it. I've seen her very closely in that pub's bathroom and I keep wondering how I didn't notice her before.

I know I've seen her a long time ago, but not as well. I'd seen her shadow wrapping one of my sorority sisters, and after that I never touched that one, because I don't touch a girl I've seen touched by someone else. This fact told me not to approach Clarke, but I did anyway.

Clarke looked too good of a prize for me to back up. She pushed me away, and now I must only not have her, but I also need to find out why she's acting so reluctant. Clarke Griffin is my new hobby.

Some good entertainment to keep me from facing the truth. I'll just pretend this is only about pride.

I put my phone away. I can't feel bad for taking the picture and posting it. I don't have time anyway, I have work to do.

* * *

Class is boring. This one, at least. I love my degree, even though I can't wait for the year to be over. I'll be done with college and I'll finally be able to go start a career. I want to get good money, a good house, good girls and a fine bar in my own house.

I won't stop partying, but at least I won't have to go to class anymore. For now, I listen, write, pretend I'm interested. I'm a very good pretender.

I receive a text from Matt. He's laughing at me for posting the picture of Clarke because he was there the night Clarke turned me down. ' _Turn me down_ ', that's what he says. I say give me some time and I'll get Clarke. I won't let Matt laugh at me for long. He's always been nice competition when it came to girls, but I've always been the best anyway, and I'll prove it to him.

I tell him that and he answers shortly after. ' _Get her before I do, then. We'll see who's the best._ ' I would tell him to fuck off if I had ever been able to turn down a challenge. I know Clarke isn't a toy we can play with. People aren't. Yet I've been playing them for years.

* * *

I go to the pub, thinking she'd be there, but she isn't. She's nowhere to be found ever since that picture was posted online. It's been a week. I doubt she left campus, so I'll just ask the person who gave me the information of C larke working for the campus in the first place.

I found her once, I'll find her again. I need to see her again. I'm too curious to drop it. And it's not like I could let Matt win too.

* * *

Clarke

My head is spinning. It's not even alcohol's fault, I'm just very tired. I've been working for the university for six weeks now. It's been a month since the picture aired, and I've stopped going to parties around campus.

I've been to Rav's though, because she kept calling me until I answered. I admitted of dropping out - I didn't really have a choice - and told her where I'm living. She's worried, even though I tell her everything's ok. Dropping out of college isn't such a big deal, many people do it every year.

I dress up lazily to go watch Octavia and Harper's game. They're part of the university's basketball team and I told them I'd come for the opening of the season.

Walking through campus, I feel less and less glances on me. The first week after the picture was shared was terrible. I had to work in the back everyday because students would come here to see if I was there. But they got bored and let it go. I never saw Lexa again. I wonder how you can be stupid enough to do that, but I guess I hurt her ego by refusing a drink from her.

Anyway, she lost.

I'm there. I notice Monty is there too. He came to support his girlfriend, obviously. I sit beside him and he smiles.

"How're you doing ?" he asks, and I know it's not of any curiosity. When he asks you this, it's whether concern or a way to start a conversation, but he never tries to rip information out of you, and that's why I like him.

"A bit tired," I say the truth, "you ?"

"I wish I could go back to my dorm and finish the project due for next month," he tells me. I like his honesty. "But basketball is too important for Harper, so here I am."

Monty is the perfect guy. He's honest, loyal, always free to help you. He's a great guy, but in the world we live in, it's more of a weakness.

"You're too kind, Monty," I tell him, "promise me you'll be careful with people." I don't want him to get tricked by dishonest people. He deserves the best life. He's one of the good guys, the ones who'll never do anything wrong because they're too good to even know how to do wrong things.

"If you promise to ring me whenever things get out of hand," he answers. I look at him and meet his eyes, full of concern, tinted with sadness, and I hope I'm not the one who made him sad, but I know I am. Who else ?

"I will, Monty, don't worry. If I'm ever in trouble, I'll come to you."

His eyes nod, but he still seems bothered. "You haven't spent much time with us last year. We used to be very close, all of us. But it's different since you started disappearing."

I hadn't noticed. Our group of friends was still a group of friends to me, just a group of friends without me, but apparently I was wrong.

"It's not the same without you," he adds, "we're not as close as before."

I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I'm not. I can't be sorry for anything or anyone. I made my own choice and I don't regret it.

I don't answer and we stay silent. The teams are ready and I finally pay attention to them as the game starts. That's when I notice a new figure among our uni's team. I shouldn't even be surprised. Lexa joined the basketball team this year. Isn't she already in two other teams ? Football and kick boxing. It should've been enough, maybe even too much, but Lexa doesn't seem to know the word 'enough'.

I'm staring at her, and I'm sure she just threw a glance at me. She didn't just join the team out of love for basketball. She knows Octavia and Harper are my friends, she knew I'd come, she wants to get to me.

But she won't. I watch our team win, congrats my friends and leave. I'm barely out when Octavia catches me.

"Aren't you coming to celebrate with us at Luna's ?"she asks me. I would've said yes if I didn't know who else would come.

"I'm tired, I'm longing for sleep," I answer and she lets me go, not without a bit of concern.

If only they could pretend to be okay with me dropping out of school, that'd be great, but they show how unhappy with it they are, and that makes me uncomfortable to be around them.

Once into my room, I fall on my bed and close my eyes. I feel so much better now I'm lying down. I can already feel my muscles relax, my brain turning into 'sleep mode'. I'm gonna fall asleep in about two minutes, maybe even less.

There's knocking on my door.

I don't react. I just want to sleep, why can't people let me sleep ? Whoever's knocking isn't ready to stop. I sigh and get up. Seriously...

I open the door, eyes half closed, but they open wide when they see Lexa standing on my doorstep. Her sweaty hair is tied up. She's wearing a hoodie and some black jeans. Her sport bag is hanging from her right shoulder.

"You followed me," I say, too tired to even show some anger.

"I wanted to apologize, for posting the pic..." she says.

I gauge her. She thinks she can just follow me home and apologize without me being suspicious ?

"Okay, you're forgiven, bye," I slam the door, or at least I try to. She blocks it and takes a step into my room. I can't believe her, she has no respect for private property.

"I wanted to offer you a peace drink. We can talk a bit over it, clear things up."

She still wants me to get a drink from her and I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't plan to drug me to get me into bed with her. Really, it starts to become very suspicious.

"I still don't want to have a drink with you. Actually, I was planning on sleeping until tomorrow to be all up to cleaning dishes and tables," I answer, sitting on my bed. I'm too tired to fight her out of my room, so I'll just be rude until she gets tired of it.

She stares at me, then looks around the room. I'm glad there isn't much in here, because otherwise I would've felt like my life was written onto my forehead. She takes a few steps toward me, lean, and grab something from under the bed. Shit ! She noticed it !

I had forgotten the bottle of vodka, which is the third one I've bought since I've moved into this room. She opens it, takes a long gulp, and I feel like punching her for drinking my stuff.

"Not bad," she says, handing me the bottle. "I guess you're the one who bought me a drink in the end."

I take the bottle, screw back the top and put it where it was, under my bed. I lay down, grab my blanket and cover my whole body with it. I don't know what to do to make her leave. Anger doesn't work. Ignoring her doesn't work. She's a coackroach.

It's even more accurate that I feel a weight pulling on the side of my blanket. She just sat on my bed. And now, she's poking me through the blanket. I sit up, nerves out.

"The fuck do you want with me ?!" I haven't been as angry since the event that started this whole thing, four years ago. I didn't think someone could make me feel something as strong as anger again, and it is to say that it's not what is usually expected.

Lexa smiles, and I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I attracting coackroaches into my room, why I'm making this one smile like an idiot. But she starts to smirk and confusion flies away. There is just anger now.

"I'm surprised to see all this," the coackroach says, looking around then back at me. "From what I've heard, you were part of the best med students, then part of the best art students, and now you're living in this hamster box, cleaning after other students for a living."

"Cleaning is a job, nothing to be ashamed of," I snap. Even Raven didn't come here to tell me such things. I want Lexa to leave. Her smell is invading my atmosphere and it's terrible. Intoxicating. Post-game Lexa doesn't smell very good. I have to hate it.

"You were popular too here, as a student," she says, "you could achieve greatness, but you threw everything away."

I don't want to hear this. I stand up, grab my shoes, put them on and open the door.

"Let's get that drink," and I let her win this one just because I want her out of my room. She smirks, I wanna draw it out of her face, it pisses me off, it gives me chills, why couldn't she be some sweet girl, that's frustrating.

Here I am sitting at Luna's bar. I ordered a drink which Lexa paid for before I could. I forgot to take my wallet anyway. I drink it fast, let the alcohol burn my throat. I want it to intoxicate me so I can blame it for my current state. How I feel.

"Care to tell me why you dropped out twice ?" Lexa asks.

I roll my eyes. "I'm not talking to you." I want another drink. I order one, tell Luna it's on Lexa. The latter smirks widely, even laughs, if I heard well.

"You don't want to talk to me but you're gonna make me pay for your drinks," she points out.

"You're the one who made me come here without my wallet, so yeah, whatever drink I want, you pay." I don't care about being rude anymore. I don't even try to play nice, to push her away with small comments. She wants to spend time with me, she's gonna have to endure the bitch I can be.

"I can do that," she says, and I realize I'm also gonna have to endure the bitch she is.

"You know, you're spending a lot of energy for someone who just wants to fuck me," I say, sipping on the drink Luna just poured me.

I'm not looking at Lexa but I know she's surprised. I can see, in the corner of my eyes, her tensed shoulders slowly relaxing as surprise goes away.

"I guess you're more interesting than I thought," she says.

I wonder if she's really interested in me, or if I'm just an entertainment, some game. It's hard to say. She keeps being rude to me and I'm not into this kind of things.

I drink in silence, order two more drinks on her account while she watches me. I don't look at her. I just drink. At some point, she'll get tired of it. But half an hour later, she's still here, still paying for my drinks, and I feel wasted. I drank glass after glass, in order to make her regret staying here with me, but she doesn't get bored. She just watches me getting drunk. She's drunk four glasses. Not the strongest.

Maybe I've chosen the wrong move. "I'm starting to think you want to ask me on a date," I say, voice unsteady. I don't feel good. Maybe I shouldn't have ordered the most expensive drinks, they're too strong, I've drunk too much.

I can see Lexa smirk in the corner of my eye.

"Do you want me to ?" she asks, but I don't have time to consider this question, because some guy appears beside me, though he's standing.

"Is Lexa bothering you ?" he asks me, and I can feel Lexa stiffen on her seat without looking at her. I know this appearance wasn't planned. I know Lexa wants to kill that guy for breaking the moment. Lexa wanted me to answer her question, and she's not gonna get any answer.

"She's been following me for hours," I reply. I don't know how long we've been here, or how long since Lexa showed up on my doorstep. I don't know anything anymore. I need fresh air. My cheeks are red from the alcohol, and just the alcohol.

"She's persistent," he says and smiles, "do you mind if I sit here ?"

I'm glad he asked. He didn't just intrude like Lexa always did. I nod, he sits, asks Luna for two drinks and offers me one. I accept. I give him all the attention I've got left because I know it will piss Lexa off.

He talks to me and I answer. He's nice, funny. I know who he is, I know he's not so different than Lexa, but at least he's polite.

"Clarke, you haven't answered my question," Lexa says after ten minutes of being ignored.

She lost her patience already. I've been talking to her friend, my back nearly facing her, and I noticed the guy, Matt, throwing some glances at Lexa once in a while. They're both playing with me. I'm sure they have a bet going, but I'm not mad at Matt for using me, because I'm gonna use him to get to Lexa too. I really want to get rid of her. I can't have her in my life right now. I can't have anyone.

But I can have him for tonight. He's sexy and funny, and Lexa will have to let go. So, when he asks me if I want to get out of here after a long conversation about whatever stuff came to our mind, I say yes.

Lexa heard it, even receiving a smirk from her friend, and she stands up to grab Matt by the collar and push him hard. He falls on the floor, but doesn't stand up right away as I'd supposed he'd do. He looks at Lexa, then at me, and gets up. He offers me a hand, I take it.

"She chose," he tells her, "and it's not you she wants."

We leave. I couldn't keep myself from throwing a glance at Lexa before walking away, I swear I've seen something different on her face. Far from arrogance, she seemed hurt. Her pride was severely cut.

* * *

Lexa

Matt won. He stole Clarke from me. I don't understand why Clarke has pushed me away from the very begininng if she were to hook up with some random guy in the end. She's bisexual. I know she is. The whole campus knows. I know I haven't been the nicest to her in the first place, but I tried to understand her.

Going to her place, I thought I could get her to tell me why she quit school. She doesn't seem particularly sad, but she doesn't seem happy either. I want to help her, but I can't help myself. Every time she tells me to back off I have to push further.

But she doesn't want me. She won't even see me. And I thought, maybe, I could ask her on a date... I don't date. Or maybe just one date so I can get girls to finish the night with me. But I can't even consider this with Clarke, she didn't even answer me.

I take a couple more drinks, strong this time, and leave the pub to go find myself a hook up for the night in another bar. Everyone saw me push Matt to the ground at Luna's, I already know no girl from there will want me tonight.

Two hours later, I'm back to the frat house with a girl whose name I forgot. For the next hour, it's alcohol and skin taste, and I fall asleep, already tired of her. I know Clarke is in the same house, two rooms ahead, and the only idea of her being touched by Matt gives me nausea.

* * *

It's morning. I woke the girl up to make her leave, telling her I had work to do. She seemed confused, but I didn't leave her any choice. I walked her to the stairs because the house is big and she was too drunk last night to remember the path we took. I couldn't just leave her alone in a house full of frat boys.

She leaves with a lazy 'bye'. She knows I won't try to get in touch with her again. I don't know her from any class or club and I don't remember her name. I start walking back to my room when I hear a door opening. Matt's door. But it's not Matt who comes out. It's Clarke. She stops when she sees me, surprised, walks, but stops again, looking in two different directions.

Two corridors. One leading to other rooms and the bathroom. One leading to the stairs. She was too drunk to remember the path too.

Should I help her ? She doesn't want anything to do with me, I should leave her be. She starts walking in the wrong way, toward the other guys' rooms, and I have to stop her, because I don't want her to be left in the middle of this frat house. I know the other guys wouldn't mind. Except Nathan. He doesn't care. He's gay.

"Not this way," I call. She turns, looks at me, and starts walking awkwardly toward the right way. She's gonna pass beside me. I want to stop her. I want to get her to tell me why she pushed me away for so long. It's not just about pride, it's her, she's weird, mysterious, and I'm curious.

That's it. Just curiosity.

I don't say a word. She's gone. I swallow hard. Matt is gonna come to mock me as soon as he wakes up, so I go grab my stuff and leaves.

I should have never helped Clarke rinse her hands that night in the pub's washroom. It's too late to go back, now. I need answers. I need to know more about her.

Unhealthy curiosity. Nothing else.

* * *

 **Next chapter next week, I don't know which day yet. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey !**

 **There we go with chapter three. Thank you to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed. It's very motivating !**

* * *

Clarke

I thought I'd like it with Matt, but I was off. I couldn't focus on him, on the moment, because even though Lexa wasn't there she could still piss me off.

I feel her arrogance pinching me to get answers. Lexa pretends she wants to know me, but I'm just a bet to her. A bet she lost. I could see it in her eyes when I left the frat house this morning. She was angry, disappointed, hurt. I could feel it though she was trying to hide it.

I hope she understands now that I don't want anything to do with her. I can't deal with her kind. She's the popular arrogant girl who doesn't care about anything else than herself. I've had enough of those. My life started shattering because of someone like her. These girls turn your head around, throw stars to follow you everywhere, fill your ears with promises and sexy words. They make you want them badly, until your world falls into the impredicted black hole that had to be there and she's gone.

I can't think about it. I don't want pain back. I have enough guilt to carry everyday.

I've been cleaning dishes for hours. I'm nearly done, but I'm not sure I want it to be over. Getting out of this place would mean facing the outside world, and I feel like my exhaustion is written on my forehead. I want to go lie down but I'll think too much. I thought dropping out of college to work would help me think less, but it hasn't changed much. I still overthink everything. I'm starting to think it's Lexa's fault, with her stalking and all these questions she keeps asking me.

She makes me think about myself, about who I could be, what I could have. When Carl comes to tell me he's leaving and I'm gonna have to close on my way out, I can't move. I'm standing in the kitchen and I don't know what to do.

"Clarke," I hear. Without turning around I already know who it is. She had to come here too.

"How many times will I have to reject you before you back off ?" I say, jaded.

"I want answers," she replies. Something ticks in my head, I'm getting angry.

"I don't owe you anything." I try to remain calm.

Lexa watches me carefully and I know whatever's going on between us is far from being over. She will keep coming until I give her what she wants. But I'm not sure I know what she wants anymore. Would she waste so much time just to get laid ?

"I thought you just wanted to be left alone," she explains, standing still a few feet away, "but you hooked up with Matt. I bet you know he was just getting you to mess with me. I bet you also know he's not so different from me. And I," she pauses to step forward slightly, "I know you're bisexual, I know you're just as attracted to me as I am to you because you barely dare to look at me -"

"I don't look at you because I don't care about you," I snap. But she goes on. She steps forward, one step after the other, and I keep myself from looking at the door behind her. I won't let her win.

"You run away from your own friends, you have a lame job when you could be the president of the world if you wanted, you -"

"Cut the bullshit," I snap again, my head hurts, I want to leave, I want to hide under my blanket just like I did the time Lexa invited herself into my room. She's just a step away from me, she's staring deep into my eyes like she can see my brain burning out. She takes her time. I know she'll speak, but she doesn't just yet. She waits. She looks at me. I pretend to look at her but I'm running away inside my head, trying to picture me in any other place away from here.

"My question is simple, Clarke. Why would you push the people who care about you away when, clearly, you're not doing well ?"

Is she joking again ? She dares to ask me this. She's the one who's been playing with my nerves for weeks and she comes here, at my work place, in the kitchen where she's not even allowed, to ask me this damn question ?!

"You act like you care about me, but _clearly_ , you only care about what you can get from me. Or am I mistaken ? Is there another reason why you follow me around like a dog ?" I shoot, and try to make my way around to leave, but her arm grabs my waist to stop me and I try to free myself, to punch her the hell away from me. I should've remembered she was very good at fighting, because now she knows she did it. She pissed me off, and she avoided each of my attempts to push her away. She blocked me and is holding me, my back against her front, both of her arms keeping me close.

"I like you," she whispers in my ear. Her nose slides on my cheek. I hate how close she is, the power she has on me in every way. She can control me physically, but I can't let her win my emotions, my thoughts. "I like your smell," she adds, sending a wave of shivers through my body from head to toes. "We can all see you're sexy, we can all see you're brilliant," I know where she is going, I can guess the point she wants to make. I hate her for it already, "You've been acting mysteriously, and I love mysteries." My brain is trying to push me out of Lexa's grip but my body won't move. And there she goes, whispering "I can't let you go until the mystery is solved."

"That's harassment," I snap. My brain turns on and off several time, I feel like falling off a cliff at night, dying again and again, my heart rolls inside my chest, my lungs can't swallow enough air, I need her to let go so bad that when she does I'm not ready and I fall down on the floor, exhausted in every way possible.

"If you want to complain to anyone on campus, go ahead. You'll tell them why you've been acting like a fool and they'll do everything they can to help you." I hear her turn around. I can't see the exit from how I kneel on the floor, but I hear the footsteps going away. The footsteps stop for one second, and I hear the despisable voice again. "If you don't want your friends to judge you, I understand. But if you need ears and a brain to help you sort things out, know that I'm easily found. I may be a bitch, of which I'm perfectly aware, but what you're doing now, you're gonna regret." I think she's done, she's about to leave, but she stops again. "I do know about regret." She leaves for good. I thought she would stop again and tell me things like 'Regret is not something you want to live with forever.' or that kind of crap, but she only gave me the fact and left.

She wants me to believe she knows how I feel, what I'm going through. I can hear my heart screaming its pain through my body because the only one who could actually get me to admit the truth is such a bitch ! I don't want to break, but it's not something I can control, and I do, I cry out, alone in the whole restaurant, on the kitchen floor.

* * *

Lexa

I somehow admitted I care about her, but it's not like that. I care about knowing what's wrong with her, and I'm free to help her solve her problems if she needs me. I mean, I'm gonna have to help tons of people after I get my first job in whatever political thing gets on my path, so yeah, obviously I'm gonna make myself available to help Clarke anytime. If she asks.

I think she hates me even more now.

I keep pushing her, she keeps rejecting me, but I feel she needs someone moving her. She's stuck, lost, even her friends don't know what to do. I saw their reaction on Twitter after I posted the picture. They don't understand Clarke's behaviour, or at least not all of it. I never tried to ask them anything about Clarke, I don't think they know much, and I don't want them to think I care. They know who I am, or what the campus thinks I am. Maybe they already saw me at the pub with Clarke, buying her drinks, and they think I want her in my sheets.

It's not completely wrong. Someone would be crazy to say they don't want Clarke. But it's different now. She's not just a sexy girl I'd hook up with. She's in trouble with herself, I guess. She's closed her mind, locked herself in some dark room. I used to keep myself busy with stupid actions, I think that's what Clarke is trying to do, but she's worth much more, she's better than me, I can ask any teacher, anyone on campus, she takes a flower and a tree blossoms. She's that great. Or she could be, if she stopped messing with her life.

I should stop investigating her.

I meet Matt on my way out of the house and I want to punch his smirk away. I have the disgusting feeling that he touched me by touching Clarke. He got me by getting her.

I'm harshly facing it now. I didn't just lose the bet. I lost me, the player in me. I don't want to play anymore. I hid my miserable side for years, three years, but I can't now I'm seeing Clarke turning herself like me. Slowly, terribly, painfully.

* * *

She's giving up for some reason while I turned myself into a monster after my life got barely bearable.

I come into the pub, still thinking about her. I'm trying to figure it out. I haven't heard of anything here that could've happen to Clarke to make her give up.

I sit at the bar. Luna sees me and comes straight to me. She has other clients to serve first, but she's here, looking at me with curiosity and anger. What the hell does she want ?

"Luna," I start a conversation because otherwise we'll just keep staring at each other forever.

"Lexa." She speaks coldly. I guess I did something she disagrees with. "Clarke isn't here."

Oh. Right. Clarke. Is that what it is about ? "I didn't come here to see her." Or maybe I did. I don't know. I was thinking about the Griffin mystery all my way here. I could've gone elsewhere this afternoon, but I came here. I suppose I was hoping to see her. It could explain the pinch of disappointment I'm feeling right now.

"Right. You have been buying her drinks lately. You're saying you have nothing to do with her leaving campus last night."

I choke with heavy air. "What ?" I haven't seen her since yesterday afternoon, the whole scenery in the restaurant. I thought she'd ignore me, but maybe I've pushed too hard.

"Yeah, she left her job, gave her room key back and left. Raven has been trying to reach her. We hope she took a train home."

And I start hoping too. I didn't intend to make her leave, I wanted to help her, but I guess I laid my own anger on her. The anger I have on me, everything I've done wrong, the pain I'm carrying. I don't want her to feel it, to carry it for years, but maybe she's already been carrying pain for a while and I've only made it worse.

What the fuck did i do. "You think it's my fault she left," I say, but I already know the answer.

"I've seen her rejecting you at this bar a hundred times. I know you, Lexa. You come here, you drink, offer drinks, insist until you get what you want. Girls usually accept, but Clarke wasn't to be played with. Not with what she's been going through."

What she's been going through. Does Luna know ? Can she tell me ? Can I tell her I fucked up yesterday ? Shit, my new hobby is broken and I broke it even more. Not a hobby. A woman. A real human being.

I'm a monster.

"Have you seen her yesterday ?" I ask. My heart's beating fast. I need to know.

Luna throws a death glare at me, it doesn't help, it only makes it worse. "She came here around nine last night to get a drink, the strongest I had. She said you'd pay for it. Her eyes were red, she looked pale, she left without answering me when I asked her what was wrong. I called Raven who looked everywhere on campus for her. She just left." She turns around, she wants to go back to her clients, away from me, but she needs to know something first, it makes her hesitate. "Have you ? Seen her ?"

She's angry but she needs to know too. She answered me, so I do too. "Yesterday afternoon. I saw her working, I tried asking her why she was doing all this. Dropping out, working here, I mean, she's not doing well, I just wanted to help." I'm trying to convince myself that what I did is right. I know it's a dead end.

"People like you don't help. They destroy everything they touch. Clarke is another example of it." She walks away. She won't pour me any drink. I don't want one anyway. I leave. Luna is right. I've been a real bitch on campus these last three years. I'm aware of it. But I didn't use Clarke. She never let me. The only sight of me disgusted her. It's weird, because I could see she was attracted to me, or at least, to my body, I'm not bad looking, but the image of me, the person I am, she hated.

I understand why. What I don't understand is why she would throw her studies away. Her chance at a good life. She looked somehow empty, covering deep sadness, bitterness, something I've felt before, I still do, but I didn't react to it the same way she does. That's probably why I want to help her. I don't want her to become like me.

And thinking of that, I want to change. It sounds terribly cliché, but it makes me want to change. Next time I'll see her, I'll be honest on why I'm the person she despises. There's a reason I disgust her, I basically spend four nights a week drinking, flirting, hooking up, throwing girls out like they're just old boring toys I don't like anymore.

I disgust myself. I didn't care before, that's how I had to be, but now I guess I'm done with meaningless. I saw my own reflection in Clarke's blue eyes. I want to make this right.

* * *

Clarke

I wake up at the sound of the alarm. The train has stopped. A voice in the speakers is politely asking me to get the hell out of the train. I move, find myself in the streets of my hometown.

I'm gonna face my Mom, and I hate the fact that from my whole group of friends, no one has made me do this. Lexa did. I couldn't just stand there on campus, having her follow me around, repeating the same lines to get me to move my ass from the kitchen floor up to acting toward the goal 'solving my issues'.

Now I'm here. Home. The house appeared in front of me as if I'd never walked. Too soon. But I heard too soon is better than too late. I have a key I use to come in. In the hallway, nothing has changed. The house seems to remain the same, just sadder every time.

Footsteps. She's here. She had to be. I couldn't just come home to meet my past again and think about it for a while. She had to be here now. I have to face it at the same time I'm facing the memories the house brings me.

"Clarke." She looks surprised, reassured, angry, sad. I feel like running away but it's too late. I'm here already. I didn't come all this way with my little luggage to leave straight away out of fear.

"Mom." I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of the words she can pronounce, the things she can tell me. I feel it coming. The storm. The anger. The pain. The tears. I want to fix everything. I hope she'll let me.

"I tried calling your school last month. They told me you dropped out." Here it is. She knows. She's disappointed. She was already disappointed when I stopped med school, so I guess she's just even more disappointed now.

"I'm here now," I say, out of words. I don't know what I could say that wouldn't sound wrong. I try. "How are you ?" It occurs that the simplest question was the worse thing to say. Her face is falling. Anger and sadness are fighting for control.

"How do you think I am, Clarke ?" Miserable. I know she is. I am too. And it's all my fault. "You could've at least finished med school. This was supposed to be your last year, but you have to make everything worse."

"I don't want to be a doctor," I say, as calmly as I can.

"Then what do you want to do, Clarke ? From what I see you don't want to do anything. You keep on ruining our life !" she snaps, my heart's crushed, she can see it on my face, on my whole body fighting to stand still, but she goes on "After your father died you promised me you'd stop making the wrong choices. He sacrificed his life for you and you throw it away !" Tears start to stream down her cheeks. Angry, disappointed tears.

My heart hurts so much I want to get rid of it, but it stays here in my chest, beating for dear life. "He chose to save me, Mom," I say. It's true. He saved me. He didn't have to. I'm so wrong saying this to her...

"He's your father, he loved you, of course he saved you ! I would've saved you too if you'd been stuck in a house on fire !"

"Right ! A fire Mom, the fire killed Dad ! Not me !" If only that was the whole truth.

"YOU CHOSE TO FOLLOW THAT GIRL TO THAT PARTY ! YOU CHOSE TO DRINK MORE THAN REASONABLY !" she yells, her voice slowly breaking. "You said it yourself. You were so drunk you barely remember your dad waking you up to get you out. You were busy throwing up on the doorstep while the house was falling down on him, and without that neighbour's help you'd be dead too." Her feet are fixed to the floor. She waited to tell me all of this for so long she can't fall down now.

I knew she'd say this. I knew, but I came anyway. What did I hope for ? Fixing the situation ? Getting my lovely mother back ? Resting here to figure how I feel toward this whole crap ? She's been blaming me for nearly four years. I stayed awake each night, scared of the nightmares that I knew would come if I closed my eyes, and she threw me a glare meaning 'it's on you, you did this, it's all your fault'.

"I thought, maybe, we could leave the past behind," I say, looking down, voice low.

"If you really wanted that you wouldn't have dropped out," she says, and I know she doesn't want me here. "I can't support you into ruining what's left of your life." And I know what she means. She won't give me any more money. "You can stay here, but you'll have to get a job." I can't stay here. I can't, because we'd have the same conversation everyday and I won't bear it. It's too painful. She won't give me money to live elsewhere, that's fine, I didn't come to ask her for money. I'll go back to campus, the only other place I know.

"I'm sorry." I don't add any other word. She hates me enough. I leave, walk back to the train station, pulling my luggage whose wheels are tired of my journey.

I don't know what to do. My mind doesn't bear studying, doesn't bear working, doesn't bear sleeping. My mother only made it worse, but I know it's my fault anyway. I shouldn't have come back. Our relationship has been shattering since Dad died. I tried calling for her help, but I doubt my apology will ever be enough for her to take me back as her daughter.

The train takes me away from my hometown and I start wishing it will never stop. But at some point, it does, and I'm back to campus.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey !**

 **Here we go for chapter 4 ! Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed ! It helps a lot !**

 **We're slowly getting deeper into the story, hope you like it !**

* * *

Lexa

The library is too quiet for my brain to stop screaming thoughts about Clarke. I've been sitting near the window for hours, because my last class has been cancelled and I thought of doing some research on my next project.

But all I've been doing is checking my phone and looking outside. Maybe I should've gone back to the house for a nap. My notes are in front of me and I took two books from the shelves. I tried to convince myself into working before but I failed, so I decide to put the books back where I took them and secure my notes into my bag.

I stand by the window. Looking outside is fascinating enough. Until I notice something, someone, sitting on a wooden table, and I'm wondering how I didn't see her arrive. She must have been there for a while. The sky is grey, and she's keeping her hands in her jacket pockets, a luggage sitting beside her on the table bench.

It's her. And I leave the library straight away.

It's a bit cold outside, wind is pushing the warm summer air away for winter to come slowly. I didn't go straight to her as I thought I'd do. Instead, I went to the Starbucks right out of campus. It's just a fifteen-minute walk. I'm back soon enough. I go to her and hand her the warm drink. She wasn't facing me, so she didn't see me come from afar.

"I think you could use some coffee," I tell her for her to notice me.

She looks at the drink, then shoots a quick glance at me, and for half a second I could see the red in her eyes. She's been crying.

"Do you mind if I sit ?" I ask, knowing she'd rather have people ask.

She barely shrugs. I sit beside her luggage, leaving a proper space, and lay the cup onto the table, just in front of her. I watch her watching whatever's in front of us. She doesn't seem to be looking at something in particular. She stares into nothingness, and I can notice the shadow under yer eyes. She has cried a lot before, but no tear is falling right now. She hasn't been crying in the last minutes, she'd been crying. She cried a lot at some point in the last hours, I can't tell when, but I need to know why. I feel the same despair I've felt before coming from her and my heart starts to shatter.

She drives me crazy in every way possible. She has to tell me now. She has to tell me what's wrong, what I can do to help her, because I've never seen someone as hurt before and I don't understand how someone as brilliant and gorgeous as Clarke can be so torn.

If she looks empty now, staring blankly at nothing, not moving an inch, her hair pushed on the left by the wind, she's clearly broken. The reason may be foolish, but it's not good to keep going on like that. Or the reason may be terrible, and then she can't stay aside and pretend there's no one here who can help her.

I stand up. I didn't think about standing up, I just did. My knees pushed me up, and I understand what I have to do. I walk around the table, try to find Clarke's glance but I can't catch it, it's lost. So I do as I did before and that she hated. I sit on the bench, on Clarke's left, and push her a bit to be able to sit completely. She frowns, she opens her mouth.

For a moment I hope she's going to yell at me, but she doesn't. She slightly turns her head towards me and watches me. My eyes. My cheeks, nose, lips. My neck. The rest of my body, though her glance seems vague. I wonder why she's looking, it doesn't look like she's enjoying the view, or judging me. She's just staring. Until she harshly slows down the beating of my heart with a statement.

"You act just like her."

Her. There's another girl. What else could it be ? Her is a person. A woman. Like me. Someone like me. Is it wrong ? Is she trying to insult me ? Somehow it works. I'm hurt, and I don't even know why. I want to ask what she's talking about but the words won't come out. Without knowing I know. Without looking I see the sorrow in Clarke's eyes, and that share of guilt pulsing in her neck I'd feel wherever because it's been there too, wherever I go, in my own neck, choking me until I lose my breath. And there I go being _her_ to soothe the pain.

I think I understand.

I think I know what she meant by _her_.

I'm no good. I hurt people in hope to make me feel better. I'm _her_ , the kind of bitch who hurt Clarke, I suppose, I think, it seems pretty clear to me. But I don't want to be her, I don't wanna be her if it means shattering people's souls like I was some evil god. I never thought I had this power on anyone, I only thought I hurt their ego.

But I became _her_ , and the words slip out of my lips. The words I couldn't say before.

"I don't want to be her."

It's out of fear, the chills hit me cold, or it may be the wind, nothing is certain anymore. It's all confusing, because Clarke is the one who needs comfort right now, she needs help, and I'm freaking out. Because when I said I wanted to face the truth I didn't think I'd actually do it. For real. With the consequences ahead. It already hurts. Because I know _her_ too, another _her_ , some _her_ that hurt me, a cold-hearted creature, or a heartless person, I don't know.

But I've got this _her_ , and I'm afraid Clarke has one too. I'm afraid she's going through this whole shit and I won't be able to help her because I can't even help myself.

She's looking at me. I just notice it now. Her eyes are watching me and I know from the confuse stare she's throwing at me that she doesn't understand my words, neither does she understand my reaction. I must look like a terrified little girl.

I am.

"It's her," I say, I want her to know, I need her to know, I have to say it, to explain, to justify, even though it will never excuse my actions, "it's her, that girl, it's her who made me this way."

I don't know where to start. I'm not sure why I want her to know. I couldn't possibly tell anyone because I'm terrified of myself right now, of who I've become ? No, it has to be Clarke. I need to tell her, so she doesn't make the same mistake, so she can get away from me if I can't help myself again.

"I need to go," she says, and my world falls apart.

She stands up fast, takes her luggage and leaves me alone on that bench, harassed by the dry wind. I stand up and I walk, but a few feet away I remember the green Starbucks cup and go back to get it. I walk. Two, three, four steps. The cup's warmth should have helped me to relax but it burns my hand, though it's almost cold now, it burns it harshly and I angrily throw the cup on the floor and step on it with my right, strongest foot. I want the cup to disappear, the green to fade into dark grey, the smell of coffee to become pavement smell, disgusting, strong, so gross it would become impossible to define.

Like me.

I run. I try to run away from me. I know it's impossible and I run faster. I wanted Clarke to run away from the monster I am, she did, but it hurts. It's not my ego screaming, but the broken heart who was trying to express itself, to call for help, but it only bleeds more now, and my tanned skin turns into light red, anger, shame, heartbreak.

* * *

Clarke

I couldn't stay. It would have been wrong. She's just like _her_ , I can't listen to her lies. She's such a good actress I almost believed her when the pain shadowed her face. I thought, for the briefest instant, that she was like me. She had been fooled. Severely fooled. I thought that, maybe, so much was taken from her and that's why she was acting like this. Like a curse which falls on you, grabs you, slowly tightens its grip day after day, for weeks, months, forever even when you think it's gone.

That's it. It's never left. _She_ never left. She's still here. She broke my heart, my family, my mind.

I'm sitting on Raven's doorstep. I may have bought a bottle of vodka on my way. The cheapest one. Still expensive for someone homeless, but I'll find a new job soon and take an apartment somewhere. I don't know.

I want to ease my mind. My mother pointed her finger at me in the worst way possible. I needed to tell Raven that, or Octavia, or Monty, or any other friend who made me swear to come to them in times of trouble. Raven told me she'd be out of class soon. I hope no one will see me sitting in this dorm's corridor and tell me to get the fuck out. I'm no longer a student, I'm not even an employee here, I'm just a drunk odd girl, the one they know as the 'girl-who-dropped-out-then-worked-as-a-cleaning-lady-and-now-we-don't-know-shit-about-her-because-she's-nuts'. Something like that.

I drink. Wait. I want to stop thinking of _her_. The more I think of _her_ the more I think of Lexa and that's unbearable. I can't have someone like _her_ back in my life, I'm miserable enough.

* * *

My body feels heavy. I'm lying on something. My head spins. I hear voices, random words, I don't understand, but they disappear and something's getting close to me, very close, until I hear words again. They're calling for me. Whispering. Asking me how I feel. Am I awake ?

I try to open my eyes. No light to blind me. There's a gentle light on the left corner. I think I know where I am.

"Ah, finally," I hear. I recognize the voice. It's Octavia. But she's not the one beside me.

My eyes open wide, my stomach flips, I roll on my side and throw up.

"I suppose we were right," Octavia says again. "She did throw up. You placed that bowl right."

I didn't throw up on the floor, I find out. There's a red bowl inches from my face. I lift up, lying back on the bed. I smell vodka. I drank too much. Not for the first time.

My friends know me well. My hands are cold and trembling, but my head and chest are boiling.

"Hey, Clarke, are you with us ?" Raven asks me, laying a gentle hand on my shoulder.

Tears tickle my eyes, because earlier, when I was drinking on that doorstep, I didn't want to be with them. I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up. And it hurts, because I don't want to die. I want things to get better, but I don't know what to do.

Octavia sits on the other side of the bed. I'm in Raven's room. My former room. I guess they found me sleeping on the floor, the supposedly empty bottle of vodka in my hand. I don't think I drank the whole bottle. I don't think I would've woken up if I did. But I don't know. I'm reckless.

I look at each one of them. My friends. The ones I thought would be angry with me but only look at me with concern. Raven. Octavia. Bellamy. I'm lucky they're here, I'm so lucky, because I have nowhere else to go.

I want to sit up, but I can't, my head is spinning around the room fast, my stomach is threatening to empty itself. I find the strength to whisper a few words, I need to tell them.

"My mother still thinks I killed him." It's said. I close my eyes. I don't want to see their reaction, and my head hurts too much anyway. I'm crushed by pain and exhaustion. I let myself fall back to sleep, ignoring my friends' comments. I couldn't answer them anyway.

* * *

I've spent the night in Raven's room, her and Octavia watching over me. They've helped me all night, never yelling at me, never complaining. It's around ten in the morning now, Octavia left to class, she has an important project going on, Raven told her she'd stay with me.

She fetched us breakfast. I sipped a bottle of water and swallowed aspirin, and I'm currently trying to eat biscuits. Raven bought them at the British shop downtown while I was sleeping, right before Octavia left. They're lighter on the stomach than the muffins we often get at Starbucks.

Lighter, surely, but my stomach is still telling me to go easy on him.

"I'm sorry," I finally tell Raven. I didn't speak for the whole night, but apart from the headache and stomachache I feel better now.

Raven nods. She knew I was going to apologize at some point, but it's not what she wants me to say. I expect her to ask me what happened. "Your mother won't let you come home ?"

I look down. It's more complicated than that. "She would if I get a job there. But..." I don't know exactly how to explain. I feel stupid. "She's mad at me for dropping out and... and she says I ruined everything." Raven doesn't think I'm stupid. Raven understands. I see it on her face and I'm glad she's here, I'm glad she's my friend, I'm so glad she exists !

"I saw your texts," she tells me. I tried calling her, and O, and Bel, and Monty, and everyone actually. Then I sent texts to the first four. I didn't know what else to do. "It took you some time to ask for help, but we're still here." She pauses. I feel the next words coming, I know what she's going to say. I don't like it, but I need it. "Your relationship with your mother will get better with time, for sure. But for now you have to do something with your life. I know you feel guilty about your father, but life goes on for you. If you want to get better, you have to talk to us, and do something with your life. You can be happy again, you know that's the best way to make your father's sacrifice worth it."

She's right. She's absolutely right. It's been a long while. Years. I'm still trying to deal with grief. Guilt and sorrow aren't easy to push away. I pretended to be okay for the first three years, but I can't fool anyone anymore. I have to tell everything. But some of my friends knew, back in high school, they warned me about _her_ , and yet I didn't listen.

I never told them because I know they'd think 'I told you so' and I wouldn't bear it. I want to talk about it, but not to them. Their judgement would end me.

Flashes of yesterday come back. Lexa's face hits me. She said she had some _her_ , and it destroyed her. I wonder if this _her_ is real. I don't want Lexa in my life, not if she's gonna play me just like _she_ did, but I can't forget about her, I have to clear everything. I have to know if she had some _her_ , like I did, or if she made it all up.

I think about it now, I think about Lexa because I'm alone with Raven and I can't get myself to talk about what happen with _her_ that night my father died. They know the whole thing, but not my part, not what I lived, what I went through, and I never told them because it's my fault, I trusted that girl and lost her game. That's what I was to her, a game. And I lost myself, losing my Dad in the process.

What can I tell Raven ? She expects me to say something, but I don't know how to explain. I try to say something, though, because Raven has taken care of me the whole night, I can't just leave like that. I have to give her something.

"I know I have to talk about it. I don't know how. It's... it's hard, thinking about it."

Yet I often do. It never really leaves me. She's in my mind while the warming figure of my father slowly disappear. I'm forgetting him. How he looks like. How he talked. In a few years he'll be gone and she'll still be here.

"Do you know... do you know what happened to Lexa ?" I ask, realizing I spoke out loud.

She looks at me with blank eyes, but her brows furrow and she puts the pieces together.

"Did she do anything to you ?" she asks. There's a bit of anger in her voice. I guess she saw Lexa stick to me at the pub.

"No, well," and again, I regret saying that, because I don't know how to explain. "I mean, she did follow me around but... there was something she said. I just want to know if she lied, that's all."

She thinks. Seconds drop. I'm wondering if she does know something but she doesn't seem to. And she answers. "I only know she hooks up with any girl she can get." She closes her mouth, then opens it again. She has something else to say. She hesitates, ends up saying it anyway. "I always wondered why she was acting like that. I mean, I heard she's a very good student, not the pretentious type, but when I hear about her as a person, outside of class... she's just a bitch. How can you be so clever, morally good, and yet act like that every day ?"

I ask myself the same thing. Raven's thought is enough to convince me to go talk to Lexa. I freaked out yesterday, when she told me she was broken by some _her_ , but I'm not so sure why I got scared anymore. I guess I was afraid to find out Lexa was who she was now because of a girl, because then I'd understand and forgive her. I would want to listen to her. I would want to know. And I would have no reason to hate her. Because she'd be in the same team as me. The team of the used, broken ones.

I stand up. I put the biscuits aside. My legs are weak from the time I've spent lying down, but they'll get back to walking fine. Raven looks at me with surprise. I go to the door, meet myself in the cupboard mirror on my way. I look like crap, pale with messy hair, lips a bit purple, but I'll be fine.

I open the door, and before leaving I turn to Raven and say "I have to talk to Lexa. I'm gonna talk to her, and I'll tell you everything later. I promise. Thank you so much Rav !"

On my way to the frathouse, I try to think about what to say to her but my brain is rolling and rolling and rolling like a car who just pass through every tunnel in a flash. Then the tunnel is left far behind. Exactly like my thoughts.

I'm on the first floor of Lexa's frathouse. I don't know where her room is. The main door was open, leaving me free access, but what now ? I don't want to knock on each door and meet the guys. I don't want to see Matt again. I don't even know if he's here. I don't know if there's anyone in this house. I stand there, the stairs behind me. One minute. Then another. I feel silly coming here without knowing if Lexa is in her room. Without even knowing where her room is.

"Hi," I hear. Some man's voice. A nice one. Not Matt's. I turn my heard to the left and find a tall guy. Very short black hair. Dark skinned. The shadow of a beard. A little smile. He looks nice. Trustable. "You're looking for someone ?" he asks.

My eyes open wide. Right. I'm here to talk to her. "Yeah, Lexa."

He raises a brow, clearly surprised. Shouldn't he be used to see girls coming here to meet with Lexa ? He watches me for a moment and something changes into his eyes. "Wait," he suddenly says, "you're Clarke. Clarke Griffin."

"Yeah. So ?" I answer, knowing what he was going to say.

"Bryan is so worried about you ! They all are !" I didn't expect that. Bryan met Jasper on his first year here and he got into our group of friends. I guess they thought I'd disappeared, as I didn't tell them I was going home because I didn't know how he would go. In the end, I only disappeared for a day, because the reunion with my mother was a disaster.

I look closely at him, very closely, as if I was trying to recognize him, but I don't. I just guess who he is. Last time I spoke face to face with Bryan, he told me he had a new boyfriend. It was a few months back, but I guess that's him. I try to recall his name, but it's useless because I never really asked.

"You're his boyfriend, right ? Bryan's ?" I still ask, because I know I should care more about my friends.

"Yes, Nathan," he says, and I can see on his chewing of his lower lip that he's troubled. He hesitates, like they all do, and just like the others ends up telling me his thought. "Bryan told me a few weeks ago that he was worried about you. He hasn't seen you lately, and when the others started talking about you disappearing... anyway, go see him, alright ? Go see them all. You have good friends who care about you. You're lucky."

I know he's right, so I nod, tell him I've seen a few of them and will meet the others later, but for now I really need to talk to Lexa. He doesn't ask about her, but he's suspicious. Deep down, I'm sure he hopes I'm not going to do anything wrong, but I don't want to explain anything to anyone for now, because I don't know exactly what's going on.

I'm alone in front of Lexa's door. I take a deep breath and knock. I know she's here because I can hear loud music. Green Day, I think. No answer. I knock again, and again, and again, louder and louder until the door swings open and she yells.

"MATT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FU-Clarke." She's dumbfounded at first, then her tired eyes fill with anger and sorrow. I know that look. I've had it too. And I'd have it now too if I wasn't seeing it in her eyes.

"Can we talk ?" I ask. After all the times I pushed her away, it would be fair if she told me to go, but instead she looks lost. Her stare shifts from me to the wall behind me to the door she's holding. She's swinging from one feet to another, and looking more closely I understand she's not holding the door, she's holding onto it. She's drunk. Just like I was yesterday.

Seeing her like this reminds me of the headache still pressing onto my temples. I do my best to ignore it, this is too important. I focus on her and eventually she lets me in.

I may be making a mistake, but it may also be the last.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi !**

 **Today we learn more about the girls past ! Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed, very much appreciated !**

 **Have a good read :)**

* * *

Lexa

I'm dreaming. I must be. She can't be here, standing in my room. She left me alone on that bench yesterday, the cup I had nicely brought her left nearly cold on the table. She told me enough that she didn't want anything to do with me, and now she's here.

I don't tell her to sit. I don't tell her anything. I want her to speak, to say everything she needs to say and leave me again. I don't want her to make me hope she'll stay with me here, help me, talk to me about whatever happened to her, I don't want to hope anymore, it's too painful.

I sit on my bed, hands under my tight legs. I don't want her to see me shaking. I'm not that weak. Talking of weakness, I notice the bottle of vodka I forgot to hide. It's the same brand as Clarke's. I thought buying the same she had hidden under her bed would bring me the feelings I had when I drank at her bottle but I felt nothing like this when I drank at this whole new bottle.

I was mad, yesterday. I remember running a lot, then walking around, ending up in a bar. I had a few drinks and a girl offered me one. She knew who I was and didn't mind getting a one-night-stand out of me. Actually, it wasn't even a one-night-stand, because she dragged me into the bathroom and kissed me.

That's where it failed. She kissed me and it disgusted me. She was pretty though, with long curly blonde hair, and well-drawn curves. Just my type. I could've imagined she was Clarke, but she wasn't, her lips didn't taste like Clarke, and I realized I don't even know what Clarke's lips taste like.

I ran away. I ran. For the first time, the heartless player Lexa Woods ran away.

I ran in town and ended up in a small shop. I found that vodka bottle while willing to buy a beer. I took the bottle. I came home walking hazily. I drank. Sip after sip at first. Then gulp after gulp. And more, and more, until, halfway through the bottle, my throat on fire was stopped by my burning eyes and I started crying. I used my pillow to silence my cries so the boys wouldn't hear me.

Clarke's pain was in my heart, _she_ was in my mind. Both women, one who took everything from me, the other whom was taken so much from. One who hurt me, the other who's hurt. And the world feels so dark, so painful.

I fell asleep at some point. But when I woke up at noon, I didn't feel better. So I made my flipping stomach swallow more vodka, spent one hour lying in the bathroom throwing up, and got back to bed. I put loud music on. I lied on my side, watching my bathroom's door. I was sweating.

I still am. How can you lose so much and yet feel all this weight on you ?

I should be dead. Vodka is strong, it should've killed me. How could my stomach get rid of it so easily ?

"You said there was a girl," Clarke says, and I'm stone cold. My heart misses a beat and goes faster. "You said there was a girl who hurt you. Is it true ?"

She's asking me. She's asking me if I told the truth. Can't she see it's real ? My pain ? Didn't she figure out I was acting like a total bitch just to pretend everything was fine ? I did everything possible for someone who disappeared. _Everything_. Except murder. No. I didn't kill anyone except myself, the person I was before. I did the opposite of taking a life though, and it hurts more, so much, I need to scream, but I don't want anyone to hear so I use my pillow again. Clarke doesn't hear a thing of my stifled scream because Green Day's _21 Guns_ is yelling loudly.

She turns it off. She turns it off to hear me cry and I get angry. I yell at her. I don't really want to but I'm exhausted and my heart shatters more and more every minute spent here with her.

"YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU ?! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME !" I should've talked calmly, make it a statement, but my eyes are blurred by tears. I know I'm gonna tell Clarke soon. I know she's gonna make me spit the truth just by staying here.

"You're the one who followed me around for weeks," she says harshly, "I may have freaked out yesterday but I'm offering a conversation here."

Right. She freaked out. That's it. She got scared and left. Just like I did last night in that bar. I ran away from that girl. Because I didn't want her. Clarke doesn't want me. She just wants to know my deepest secret. I laugh. I feel stupid.

* * *

Clarke

I remember Raven's words. The question. I think it might be straight enough. I don't want us to fight, I want us to talk, to get it out. She's been following me for a reason, I've been pushing her away for a reason. It's time we give our reasons, figure something out. We both need to clear this to deal with our issues.

"How can you be so clever, morally good, and yet act like that every day ?" I ask her.

She pushes her head up, shooting a confused glare at me. She stands up and take a step towards me, fighting to keep her balance. She takes another step. She comes close, as if she wanted to smell me and find out if I was as drunk as her.

"How can you be so clever, perfect, and drop everything for a shitty life ?" she asks me.

And I'm glad she asked. "That's what we're trying to find out." She stares for long seconds. I feel her slightly backing off. She goes back to the bed and lay herself on it. She's rolled up on her side, holding the pillow against her chest. She looks vulnerable. But also very sad.

That's when I realize I should start telling her what I couldn't tell to Raven earlier.

"I fell in love with a girl in senior year. I met her in history class, she was the new girl everyone liked. She was cool, gorgeous, and rejected a guy on the first day. Looking straight at me." I thought it would hurt me to tell this story, my story, but the words don't get stuck in my throat. I don't feel as guilty telling it now, because I know the person listening is Lexa, and she can understand. I know she can. I also know she'll be a good judge. Maybe she'll be able to tell me if I'm really responsible. Because everyone tells me it's not really my fault, but it is. It is my fault. And maybe if someone was honest and told me the truth I'd be able to forgive myself at some point.

My mother says I killed my dad, but that is not true. She keeps saying that I shouldn't have trusted that girl, and she's right, but where does that lead me ? Guilt. More guilt. I want an actual truth, not an accusation.

"She flirted very well, I liked it, but it took me a while to admit I had romantic feelings for her. She kissed me before, though, and I told myself it was just kissing, same as kissing a boy, but then she made me cheat for good on my boyfriend and I had to break up with him. I did, and I spent more time with her, but she never offered to be my girlfriend, she just told me to come at parties, made me drink a lot, made me smoke a bit. We'd spent nights discovering our bodies, barely remembering who we were, until that night, that party. I arrived late, I had to finish my homework first, I wanted to get into medschool, I had to be serious, so I got there two hours late, and found her in bed with another girl." I think of stopping now. Maybe I'd break at the next words. But there's that anger pulsing in my neck telling me to finish the story. My side of the story I couldn't tell the others. "I got angry and she told me she was never my girlfriend. She didn't care that I'd left my boyfriend for her. She didn't care I was always there when she needed me. She didn't care I came out to my parent, telling my mother I was currently with a girl without actually being with her. My mother wanted me to stop seeing her, not out of homophobia, but out of concern, because that girl was danger. She smelled smoke all the time, I always hated smoke, but I started loving it when I met her. That's how she is. She often whispered the best words in my ear and I trusted her. She made me feel powerful, but she was never mine, though I was hers."

I stand still, frozen. Lexa hasn't moved. She's listening, holding tight to her pillow. I have said enough of that girl I need to forget, now I have to recap the last bit. The one I can hardly describe. I was drunk. And hurt. "She pushed me out of the room and slammed the door at me. She'd never touch me again. I went downstairs and grabbed whatever alcohol I could get my hands onto. I accepted some weed. I wanted to forget, to be better, stronger than her. But I lost consciousness and when I woke up the house was on fire. Police report said some dude played with fire and alcohol in the kitchen. Everyone was drunk and high. No one could confirm the story. The guy who supposedly lit the fire died when it started. I barely remember my dad's voice telling me to wake up and get out. I was throwing up on the house's doorstep when I saw him disappear into the flames, the house collapsing. The next day I remembered how he got there. I'd called him, while drinking, I'd begged him to come pick me up because something terrible had happened. And that's how I made the terrible thing happen. That's how I led my dad to his death."

My telling was longer than I expected, but it's done now. I said it. I told someone. Lexa is still holding her pillow tight against her, her head bent down almost hidden by the big white pillow. I see her core shaking and I know she's crying. She won't tell me anything now. She needs time to rest, time to think. I get a piece of paper from her desk and leave her a note. I want us to end this conversation we started today. I think Lexa has a similar story, and I need to know it. I've told her mine, hopefully she'll tell me what she thinks of it, but also tell me her story.

What broke her.

I leave the frathouse with a blossom of hope in my chest. The hope that I've hated Lexa for nothing, that she's actually as good of a person as she is of a student. The hope that she can clear my story, find answers to how to live with it.

Telling her is already a big step. I'm not proud though because there's still that huge part of me bearing regrets, guilt and sorrow.

* * *

Lexa

I heard her writing a note and she left. I don't have the courage to go read it. I can't move, actually. I hold onto my pillow as if it's the only thing that can keep me down on Earth right now. Everything she said, it's heartbreaking, but it isn't her fault. She was fooled, just like me, and got caught in a fire.

I did worse. She thinks I'm like her in some way, but I wasn't just cheated, I was tricked for months, even more than a year. I didn't realize it before, how wrong it was, I let it happen. Clarke knew somehow that she was making a mistake, she knew and felt stupid, but I didn't, I only felt stupid when I found myself all alone with nothing.

She wants me to tell her that. She's gonna think I'm a monster. She already thinks I've been a bad person, now she's not sure, she wants to hear my story, but it will only make it worse.

I burry my face in the already tear-soaked pillow. I've spent the last years acting like I don't care about anyone or anything, and for what ? I'm still sad. I still think I'm gonna make a life on my own. A nice house. With a nice bar. And girls I don't care about. Is that really what I want ? Be a cheater for the rest of my life. And when I'll be old I'll be all alone. No child. No grandchild. No baby girl to protect.

I keep a scream in. The music is off, I don't want anyone to hear me. My head is crushed by the late effects of vodka and I close my eyes, waiting until I fall asleep.

I already know that I won't feel better when I wake up.

* * *

I don't feel good when I wake up. My head hurts less but my belly feels heavy. I try to take a shower, it doesn't change anything. I may need a walk in the fresh night air.

I'm walking through campus. There's a paper in my pocket. I grabbed it before leaving but I didn't read it. Clarke's note. I think it tells me where to find her. I have to tell her, I'm just scared of her reaction.

Even torn, Clarke looks amazing. She's clever, though she made some bad decisions, it doesn't make her less perfect. Actually, the fact that she made bad decisions makes her perfect, because that's what humans are : they make bad decisions, even the cleverest of them all, and then try to fix them.

Clarke is trying to fix things. By telling me her story, she told me why she couldn't accept that drink from me the first night I talked to her in the pub's bathroom. She came clear to me, I have to be brave and tell her why I acted rudely toward her.

I pull the note out of my pocket. I look at it, see how even her handwriting is perfect. _Golden Horse. 10pm. Tonight. Or any other night._ She'll wait for me every night if she has to. My eyes are fixed on the paper, reading and reading each word until I realize they're real. I check the time. It's 8pm. I'm gonna go to that bar downtown and wait for her.

* * *

It's time. It's time and she's here on time. She's surprised to find me sitting at a table in the back. A two-people table. She joins me and find the empty drink in front of me. I've had three. I was thinking too much while waiting and needed those.

She doesn't say anything, doesn't order a drink just yet. She looks at me expectantly. And without thinking any more I tell her everything. It's now or never. I've never told anyone this story but Clarke has let me a chance to do it, and she's listening to me, and maybe she's stay when I'm done and talk to me, maybe she won't just go like _she_ did.

 _She_ was clever, kind and gorgeous. She was my neighbour. I was in senior year, but was one year older than the other students. I grew up with my mother, but she hadn't the best job, it was hard and not well paid, so I took a job when I turned sixteen and didn't go to school for a little while. I turned seventeen and we had to move out. My mom lost her job, she found another, but harder for someone as tired as her. I let her rent a room for herself and took a small apartment of my own. Just a room with a bathroom, a bit like Clarke's employee room.

Senior year girl working at a fast food. And she appears. The angel. She really looked perfect. Clever, gorgeous, kind. Really kind. I guess that kindness should've warned me. She spent nights with me, getting me out of my bitter loneliness. We started dating. On the third month of simply spending nights together she started asking me to take her somewhere for the weekend.

I took her everywhere she wanted. And when she asked me if we could move in together, I got an apartment for us. A big one. She said she'd help me pay for it, but not now, now was difficult for her, and I listened, because she was kind, and she was mine. I graduated and we travelled together for the summer. In september I got back to work. I'd spent too much for her, and she knew I could barely pay the rent, but she told me we'd be fine. She was three years older than me and was working, I don't know where, she only told me she'd help me pay the rent and the food and everything we needed.

But then she asked. She said she had to keep money for something else, and I was surprised, wondering what she was saving money for, and she told me she wanted us to have a family.

She asked for a child. I was only twenty. I was working at a fast food, there was no way we could ask for an IVF. We weren't parent material.

A week later she said she had run some tests and she couldn't carry a child. She was crying in my arms, telling me she could never have a baby, and my heart broke. I didn't want to see her sad, I wanted to make her happy. I always wanted everyone to be happy, that's why I let my mother take a room for herself and took care of me. Sometimes I would go see her and give her money, but then the person I thought was the love of my life happened and she costed me more than what I had.

If I didn't have enough money, then I'd do anything else to make her happy. So when she asked me to sleep with a supposedly trustable friend of hers to get pregnant I accepted. Gladly, once was enough. It's the only time I've slept with a man, and it only confirmed my homosexuality.

I gave her a child. I gave her the child she wanted. The perfect baby girl, with wide green eyes and blonde hair. She told me to rest at the hospital for a couple more days after the birth. I was exhausted after those nine months and she had refused for me to get an epidural. I slept a lot. Got some rest.

She didn't check on me the next day, nor the other, and I thought she was just taking care of her daughter, but when I came home, there was nothing in the apartment. Nothing. I found the door opened to empty rooms. No trace of her. No trace of my daughter. I waited there, hoping she'd come back. I refused to move out of this place for weeks. I had nothing left, not even money, no work because I'd left it during my pregnancy, and she never came back.

Even today, I don't know where she is. I don't know if she's still alive. My mother found me, restless, despaired in the empty apartment. She hadn't heard of me and she came. I hadn't helped her for so long and yet she came. She took me back with her in her small room until I got back on my feet. I worked for a year, got back into my sport's team and did everything I could to get into university.

My mother found love again two years ago, I don't have to worry about her. But I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget about her. I couldn't trust anyone else, and anger turned me into a hypocrite. I use people to feel less lonely, more important. I pretended everything's fine, but I can't anymore.

I tell Clarke that too. I can't be that anymore. I want to be better, I want the pain to go forever, but it never really goes away. I don't know how to deal with it, but I will learn.

"That's why you've been acting like an ass..." she says, and she laughs, but she's not amused, she's moved, her eyes are shining, the ceiling light reflecting on her tears. The tears don't drop though, they're a door on each of her eyes. Her cheeks are red, and I feel it too. We both do. We feel this unfairness, and this hope about us understanding each other.

"I let anger consume me..." I whisper, and she hears it. I look into her eyes, get all the courage I can find in my heart and tell her "I can't see you destroy yourself like I did. You can get better, Clarke, leave the past behind. I know you can."

I feel as though I won't get better if she doesn't. She's my example. The good example I know. My hope.

"You can get better too," she replies, looking at me too, and I see in her eyes that she thinks the same. I'm her example.

I look down. I must be better if I'm to be her example. Her proof that we can move forward after going through the worst.

We stay here a while, not moving, not speaking, until she stands up and electricity flows through me, getting my heart to beat faster. I'm scared she's going to leave. I look at her, and relief replaces the pain when she says "Do you wanna go for a walk ?"

I stand up straight away and follow her outside. I don't know what we're doing but I know we're not done. We still have to talk about it. We're walking in the street, dark sky above us, and I realize she may want me to review her story. Yesterday, she waited after she told me. I suppose she waited for me to comment. I think again about what happened to her. I choose my words. And finally I speak.

"You trusted the wrong person, that is on you, but you're dad's death... it's an accident. You can blame yourself for going to that party, for calling your dad, but truth is, you could've died because of her, and your father chose to save you. He saw the house of fire and thought of you in there. He knew he was risking his life. That was his choice. You didn't set the house on fire, so you can't blame yourself for your dad's death. The only blame that's on you is about your broken heart. You opened it to the wrong person, now you're heartbroken and it's your fault."

That's our truth. We were blinded by love and the hope of a happy life, we weren't cautious enough. But the life that was lost is no one's blame but the one's who lit the fire.

The life that was created, on the other hand, is my fault. That's what I've always thought.

"It's hard," Clarke says, and I turn my head toward her, "it's hard thinking that if I had never come to that party, if I'd never fell in love with this girl, my dad would still be alive."

She's right. She made that mistake, but she couldn't have known the terrible event that was going to take place that night. And it makes me angry to think of all the people who died for no reason.

"So what, Clarke ?" I snap, and I don't want to yell at her, I don't want to, but it hurts, I want to let it out. "You're gonna cry on your father forever ? You're gonna feel broken everytime you hear about this accident, or this attack, and all the victims on TV ? All the people who died unfairly on September 11 ? All the innocents whose villages were bombed in Africa ? The massacres, the fires, the earthquakes, all these people not expecting to die today, but it happens, they die, as stupid as it comes, for nothing, and it happens everyday !"

I stop, my heart hurts, sore in my chest. I feel like dying on the pavement, but I'm standing cold, tears stinging my eyes. People come, go, live and die. It's just life. Life hurts.

A hand is laid on my shoulder. I lift my head up, fall into Clarke's eyes. She's as hurt as I am by my words.

"You gave life, Lexa," she tells, voice low, I wonder if that's a bit of admiration I've heard in her voice, but I'm not sure, my heart beats so fast it rings loudly in my ears. "No matter where she is, you gave a little girl a chance at life. If you think that's a mistake... then you're wrong."

I'd never thought of it this way. The baby was taken from me. I've barely seen her right after the birth, when she was handed to me. I looked at her closed eyes, and in between cries she opened them. I saw the green before she closed them again. I've never seen her eyes ever again. Last time I saw her was with whom was supposed to be her other mom. She was sleeping and I saw her light hair.

I dreamt of raising her with the woman I loved, the next night. But it was just a fantasy. I was never really ashamed of giving birth to this little girl. "I'm ashamed of having given birth not out of care for the baby but to make my girlfriend happy. I just wanted her to be happy," I say out loud, repeat to Clarke so she knows how bad of a person I already was, "not the baby, her. I didn't really love the baby, I loved her. I was too young to be a mother, I was scared of being alone again."

Clarke stares at me and I want to look down but I can't. My eyes are wide, fixed, lost in her blue eyes darkened by the lack of light. The street is dark, it only has one lamppost at each side of it, and we're standing here, not feeling any danger. I don't want Clarke to tell me everything's okay, I just want her to stay, because I don't see judgement in her eyes.

I don't see exactly understanding either. She knows the despair I feel not because she's clever and has listened to me carefully. She felt it too. She must have dreamt of a perfect life with a perfect woman. She lost it like I did.

She's as broken as I am.

And looking straight into each other's eyes, second after second, minute after minute, we both understand that, as we're the only ones we can talk to without feeling judged, we're the only one who can help each other.

But there's also this fear. This fear we've had since the beginning, the first time I offered her a drink, the first time she rejected me. We just look away, cutting the staring at the same time, because we both know. We walk, together, but we walk fast in silence.

We've come clean to each other with the story sharing, but it's only worse now. I need her in my life, and I still want her badly. She does, too. I feel it, she feels it, and it may be our new mistake.

How can we help each other into not making any more mistake if we pull each other into making another one ?

Would it even be a mistake ?

Shit.

* * *

 **Lexa has a daughter ! What do you think of it ? She says she doesn't care about her child, but we all know how caring Lexa really is...**

 **see you next week ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke

I'm back in Raven's room. I was walking with Lexa, then we suddenly stopped, and at some point we started walking away from each other. After leaving Lexa's room this morning, I thought of going back to Raven's, clean up and rest. My luggage is still there, at least Raven knows I'm not going to run away from campus again.

But I couldn't come back to the room just yet. I walked. I needed to think of what I'd just told Lexa, and how simple it had been compared to what I'd expected. Telling her was easy, but not less painful.

I'd told her my story, and didn't know what to do then. So I walked. And at 10pm I was at that bar. The Golden Horse. And she was there.

I felt relieved, and happy to see her. Then I was scared when I found myself sitting in front of her, because she was going to tell me about her, and I was afraid that she would lie.

But she didn't.

"I talked to Lexa," I tell Raven as soon as I come in.

She sits back at her desk and looks at me expectantly.

"And she talked to me," I say, sitting on the bed.

It's funny how I only notice now that the bed that used to be mine is against Raven's to make one big bed.

"Okay. So ?" Raven asks, and I look at her wide eyes.

"She... she told me what happened to her... and she also told me the fire wasn't my fault, but it's my fault if I was cheated on because I trusted the wrong person, but her story seems way worse than mine !"

I don't know how to speak clearly anymore, I see it in Raven's eyes. She's confused. She takes time to split the informations and think them through, then answers.

"I don't think we can tell a bad story is worse than another bad story, but, anyway, Clarke, are you sure she told you the truth ?"

Of course, Raven doesn't believe I can see when someone lies, and she's right, most of the time I don't really see it, because I don't care about what they tell me, but Lexa, she spoke the truth, I know she did, I saw her pain and one cannot fake a pain as strong.

"She did," and I also realize, "she never lied to me anyway. That's part of the reasons why I wanted her gone lately. Everytime she came to me she told me some truth, and I wouldn't accept it. Raven, she's not actually a bad person..."

It's not exactly what I wanted to say, but I can hardly express how I feel right now. It's weird. My dad's death, my mom's words, dropping out of school, quitting my job, it all doesn't feel better. One conversation with Lexa didn't change anything, and yet I feel like it did.

"So what ?" Raven asks me, and I know she understood but she wants me to clear it in my head.

"I want to keep talking to her, but... it wouldn't be right..."

"Why ? 'Cause you wanna do her ?"

"Raven !"

She shrugs, she's right, and I'm in trouble. I don't know what to do about it.

"Rav... it feels right talking to her, but it won't be of any help if we just want, you know -"

"Sleep together, I get it, now shut up," Raven says, and though my mouth is opened it won't let any word out. "If you really wanted someone to talk to you would've gone to a shrink, don't you think ? When you chose to go tell her your story you already knew there was something going on between you two, you're both attracted to each other, and there's nothing wrong in it. Be adults and talk about what you both feel toward each other."

"It's not that sim-"

"Yes it is. Now go take a shower, you stink."

I roll my eyes and stand up. I do stink, I do need a shower, so I listen to Raven and go take one. But I can't listen to her about Lexa. I can't just go see Lexa and tell her I do feel like sleeping with her but I'm not sure I could handle a relationship, because otherwise I would just be a bitch. Right. It wouldn't be fair.

Furthermore, I don't know enough about Lexa. What she's doing now, what she's gonna do after she graduates, what she likes, dislikes, and all of this stuff. Yeah, I should probably just talk to her again. But not now.

* * *

I'm alone in Raven's room. She left while I was taking a shower. I enjoy the peaceful atmosphere. I know I'm gonna have to find a job and an apartment in the upcoming days, because if I'm found staying for free in Raven's room the latter's gonna get in trouble. The last thing I want is to make my issues hers.

I think of getting my computer to look for a job but I feel fine laying down. I'll just print my resume and go look for a job in town tomorrow. I don't want to go back to school, at least not this year. I felt stuck in classrooms, surrounded by guilt walls and topics always getting me back to my dad's death, and her. She whom I will never meet again.

* * *

I'm shaking. Being shaken. I wake up, see Raven grinning at me. There's someone beside her. Luna.

"Oh, crap !" I roll off of the bed and hazily stand up. I didn't mean to spend the day sleeping in Raven's room.

"It's 11am, Clarke," Raven informs me.

Right. I didn't exactly spend the day sleeping. I fell asleep last night and I suppose Raven didn't come back. I mean, Raven thought of making one big bed when I first left, so both beds, my former bed and hers, were brought together. But now I'm back and I may have slept in the middle of the bed.

My bad.

"Don't worry Clarke," Raven tells me, seeing the look on my face, "I slept at Luna's. But it was nice of you to ask where your host has been all night after you stole her bed."

I give her an apologetic look. She knows I didn't mean to take so much place. I didn't even mean to fall asleep so soon last night, I usually have trouble sleeping, but I was too exhausted and, surprisingly, I felt a bit of relief after telling Lexa everything. Someone knows the truth. Someone is aware of the fact that I got my heart broken before the fire, before my dad died. The fire didn't make me stop loving her, she did. And to me, it matters, because I know that, fire or not, we were over.

The flames took one person I love, not two. And this matters. One fire isn't responsible for all of my misery.

Lexa knows that. She knows there are two things responsible for my broken soul. The fire, and I. The fire burnt my father alive and I trusted the wrong person.

"I'm gonna try to get a job," I tell Raven and leave.

I ignore their questiong looks. Luna must have known I was here because she didn't seem surprise to see me in Raven's bed. Last year, she found Raven and I sleeping in my bed and she got mad at us. She wanted to be the only one sharing a bed with Raven, no matter what for.

Since then, Raven and I have always been careful to not fall asleep in the same bed, even when drunk. Luna is too good for Raven for me to mess with their relationship.

I go to the library, write and print a quick résumé. I'm not looking for a complicated job. I would do the dishes again if it could pay a rent. I'm not thinking of what I'm gonna do later, I'm thinking of now, of the mess I have to put in order. And for now, I need to live on my own. I need money for that, a job, and I'm starting to look at every place, see which one needs a new employee.

I'm gonna get a job interview today. I can't lose any more time.

* * *

I sit at Luna's bar. It's 11pm. I'm tired, but I needed a drink. A good, positive one. I got a job today.

"Hey, a beer as usual ?" Luna asks me. She just appeared in front of me and I just nod, because I don't care about what drink I get, I want one to celebrate today's baby step, getting a job out of campus.

Luna hands me the beer and wave at someone far behind me. I don't have time to look, Raven already fell on the seat next to mine. She taps my back strongly while I was trying to take a sip at my beer, making me choke on my sip and pour half of my beer on the bar counter.

"Rav !" I yell. My poor beer ! How alone it feels on the outside of its glass !

"That's for having stolen my whole bed last night. You know Titus is staying at Luna's for a while, meaning we can't be alone there, and thanks to you we couldn't even just sleep in each other's arms last night because you took the WHOLE damn space !"

She's not really mad at me, she's trying to tease. First step is done - she justified why she's going to humiliate me soon. As I don't really want the Reyes storm striking me tonight, I announce the good news.

"I got a job, down at the old gallery. They want to make it all new. The hospital bought it and is gonna use it for patients, mostly the kids. I asked if they needed more employees, and when I told them I was a former med and art student, they took me in."

"Good job, Clarkey," Raven congratulates me, but there's still something up with her, that discrete light in her eyes I've learnt to see. The light meaning ' _I'm-gonna-betray-you-in-one-minute._ '

"So, er, what's up ?" I ask, throwing discrete glances on my left and right to see if something is going to explode. When it comes to Raven, you never know what can happen.

"Well, I'm perfectly fine, and my girlfriend is gonna spend the night in my room with me, so your ass will go sleep in another bed. Speaking of bed..."

Oh hell no. I know what she's thinking now. And I see Luna in the corner of my left eye slipping away from the bar with a drink in her hand. It doesn't feel normal. Raven is trapping me. I let the latter speak, but she doesn't add anything. She looks at me, then throws a glance at Luna, and suddenly stands up.

"Well, I've gotta go, I'm gonna help Luna a bit tonight, the other guy at the bar is still learning and I can't leave Luna with all these people if I'm to take her home with me." She stops to laugh. Something she saw. Something behind me. The storm is coming. "Good luck Griffin !" she yells and she's gone while another silhouette appears on my left. I'm not looking. I think I know who it is.

Who else ? I only talked about one thing to Raven lately.

She's looking at me expectantly.

"Hey, Clarke !" Not her voice. A man's voice. Bellamy ! For once he comes exactly at the right moment ! I turn on my right and gives him a kind smile. He was there the other day with Octavia and Raven in the latter's room, after I was found heavily drunk on the doorstep. Even though I'd spoken badly to him when he asked for my help on his project, he still came.

"Feeling better ?" he asks me. He doesn't sit. I noticed him throwing a glance at Lexa.

Did Raven tell him ? Or is he thinking I'm on a date or something ? He knows Lexa, he must know how she is. But he doesn't know her story, he doesn't know how she really is.

"Much better than yesterday I guess," I tell him, "and I found a job, too, so I'm gonna look for an apartment tomorrow."

I tell him that so he doesn't worry, so he doesn't try to help me any more than he did because I don't want my friends to worry about me all the time. I'm supposed to be an adult. I can take care of myself. I will.

"Alright, I'm glad you're okay." He lays a friendly hand on my shoulder and add "I can't stay but don't hesitate to call if you need me."

I nod, murmur a small ' _thanks_ '. I won't call him. I'm gonna take care of myself. I really need to do it on my own. To prove to myself that I can.

"So, you're the one buying me drinks now ?" she says, reminding me of her presence.

That was her, the presence making me so uncomfortable, like an old spirit in an old woman's attic. But she's not an old woman, neither she is in an old woman's attic. She's Lexa. And she thinks I bought her a drink.

I try looking at her to speak, but then I can't speak, bad idea. All I can say is "Huh, I didn't buy that drink, I was tricked. And you too, apparently. Someone wants us to talk."

I throw a glance at her and see a shade of disappointment in her eyes, but then she frowns and it goes away. She looks confused.

"Talk about what ?" she asks me.

Good question. I suppose Raven wants me to try something with Lexa, like dating her, because she thinks Lexa is very much like me, which is only true on the having-a-harsh-past part. Apart from that, Lexa is different. Completely different. And I like that. That mysterious 'different'.

"I don't know, just talk," is all I can answer. I could've told her about how I liked speaking to her, how I feel better knowing someone else knows my story. How good it feels to know someone else can understand your pain. And your malaise seems less foolish, not any less pointless, but someone is able to tell you it's normal to feel this way, nothing is wrong with you, you can get better, really get better, because you're going to learn to deal with the pain.

Lexa is staring at me. She has the light arrogant grin that I hate, and her eyes are mischievous. I look back at her, try to figure out why she's acting like that with me now.

And she speaks.

"Are you sure Raven only thought about talking ?"

I thought this was behind us. The teasing, the mocking, the way she looks at me like I'm her next toy.

"I don't know what she thought about," I snap, suddenly angry, "but _I_ am not thinking about anything else than talking."

"You're not ?" she simply asks, though I can feel surprise from the way she grabs her drink to sip at it.

"I'm not." I was fine talking to her yesterday, but now she's acting like a bitch again and it makes me angry, hopeless. The Lexa I hoped to see again is clearly absent.

She laughs. She laughs ! She swallows her drink and asks for another. I smell it now, the alcohol she tried to hide with flagrance. I can't identify the exact smell of her flagrance, but I can tell, by slightly leaning forward for a second, that she's been drinking for a while.

She turns her head before I can lift back and her eyes widen for a brief instant when she sees my face very close to hers. I lift up fast, a bit too fast, and grab the bar counter to hold and keep myself from falling backward.

The mischievous shade in Lexa's eyes comes back, leaving the surprise and confusion behind, and she pushes herself toward me. She's close, she's staring at my lips, hers inches from mine, and I want to run away. I don't feel fine. I feel played. She's playing with me, with how my body can react to hers, like _she_ did, and I hate it. I hate it and I can't even move.

She leans a bit more and arms wrap around my waist, but from behind. I jump on my high chair.

"Whoah ! Calm down Clarke, it's just me !" I hear a male's laugh. Matt's. What's wrong with everyone tonight ?!

He lays a kiss in my neck, and I smell whisky. He's drunk too. We're in a pub, no surprise everyone's drunk, but they're all tricking me tonight, and my heart starts to race, I'm starting to panick.

I can't go back to that time where I let myself fall into her arms because she intoxicated me with her scent and her words, the words of all the things she'd do to me, the things she'd make me feel, and how I wouldn't want to get away from her, I'd stay with her, begging for more.

I can't move. I could just push him away, but for everlasting seconds I can't move. I can't see or hear anything either, so I jump out of fear when I hear yelling and a bang.

I turn around. Two tables fell down. Lexa's on Matt, hitting him full strength, and I'm glad their friends come to get Lexa off of Matt fast, because he's already bleeding and Lexa could've killed him. She's thrown out of the bar on Luna's order.

I should check on Matt, but I can't. It's her my brain tells me to check on, so I leave the bar and hear loud knocking. I find her punching the building's brick wall. She's hurting, and I can't help it, I have to go help her. I grab her arm and she doesn't stop just yet, she goes on until she notices it's me who grabbed her arm. It's me who's trying to help her.

She looks panicked, stressed out, like a waterballoon exploding. She steps back, moving away from the wall she hit. Her hands are shaking, her right fist bleeding.

"Lexa, calm down," I tell her as nicely as possible. I've acted stupidly out of pain before, I can't blame Lexa for the way she acted inside that bar towards me, towards Matt. Or can I ?

I can't leave her here. She's drunk, she's freaking out, feeling surrounded by darkness, not the darkness of the night, the darkness of the heart, when you think you've become a monster and it consumes you.

I took her hand without really paying attention. I look into her eyes until she calms down, her breathing slowly steadying. Tears appear, but they don't fall. These undropped tears remind me of the widow's veil. Dark. Sorrowed.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, "I didn't mean to be like that to you, like - acting this way. I didn't mean to act this way."

She's referring to the moment she leaned forward, looking down at my lips, ready to lay hers on mine, and I wished it was the real Lexa doing it, not the one who doesn't care about anyone.

"It's fine." I don't thank her for getting Matt away from me because she didn't do it the right way. I can't encourage her to such violence. So I don't say anything. She looks lost, in distress, and I don't know what to do, because I'm lost too.

"It's not fine," she says in a hurry, "it's not fine - I can't act like that, I really can't act like that, then you appear and I act like that. I could push the others away, the girls, I could, I did, but you - I can't."

I swallow hard, my stare looking through her eyes for a lie which doesn't exist. She's telling the truth, and my hand lets go of hers. I don't know exactly how I feel - scared, angry at my past, happy to hear those words. I don't look at her lips but part of me wants to. Another part of me wants to run away. But I don't move. And this inner fight, Lexa may have seen, because her face falls, and I notice a painful tear falling from her eye to the ground as she turns to run away.

* * *

Lexa

She doesn't want me. Not like that. Not as a person. I suppose, if I kept flirting like I did tonight at the pub, if I insisted, I'd get her for a night. But it would be one night, and just sex. Sex. Stupid ugly word. Clarke wouldn't even really want that with me, she'd feel forced, because we were so easily fooled in the past and now we feel tricked all the time.

I do too, but the funny thing is that I always trick myself. I get angry, drink and become the best of assholes. I hurt both Clarke and Matt tonight. I may have been angry with Matt lately, but he's a friend, he helped me before when I was too angry to sleep at night. He never asked what was wrong with me, he just gave me a remote and we played video games all night.

I physically hurt him. I was terrified I was going to kill him, but my body was foreshadowing my mind. Is that even possible ? Can I just be possessed by some evil force like anger ? Like _her_ ? That heartless bitch who took away everything I had ? The very few things I had. And when it became insufficient, she took a part of me instead of taking my money and my belongings. She took my baby girl. I don't even know my daughter's name. She's not my daughter. She's never been. I was just the machine who created her. That's all I was to that bitch and that's all I'll ever be for the little girl.

That's all I'll ever be to Clarke - an unpredictable machine. The broken one we want to destroy for good.

I saw fear in Clarke's eyes, but it's not what made me look away. I ran away when I noticed the tint of hope slightly illuminating the blue of her eyes. I can't be her hope. I always ruin everything. She must find something or someone else to help her, to give her actual hope.

I can't help her stand up to her pain if I'm down on the ground, crushed by mine.


	7. Chapter 7

**New chapter is on ! There are probably typos, as english isn't my native tongue, and as I'm tired, so sorry ! I hope you still enjoy it !**

 **Thanks for the favs, follows and reviews ! See you next week ;)**

* * *

Lexa

I already know who it is when I hear a knock on my door. I haven't left my room today. I couldn't step outside, go to class, pretend nothing has happened yesterday. I feel so heavy I could barely lift my body up to leave my bed and go take a shower.

And getting up is as hard now that I know what's coming. How do I tell Matt I didn't mean to beat him up ? How do I apologize ? When I was pushed out of my sorority house, Matt let me join his fraternity without further questions. I needed help, but help without constant questioning. He gave me that.

We always thought we could just play with girls and make a game out of it. That's what he was probably thinking when he took Clarke away from me. He would have never hurt me on purpose. He's an ass, but now all I can think is - if I had told him I cared about Clarke, then he would've left her.

I open my room's wooden door. Matt is here, and he looks at the white wall behind me before his stare land on me. My room has always been neutral, not very personal, because I don't want to see my life on every wall and furniture every time I come into my bedroom.

I guess he thought he could find some answer on that white wall, an answer to why I've been acting terribly for a little while. Worse than before.

I can't say anything. He looks at me with his dark left eye, his red nose and his line of stitches on his right cheek, expecting me to at least apologize.

"You have to go, Lexa." His throat is sore and he clears to add a few words that I try to hear over the fast beating of my heart. "The loud music, the alcohol, now fighting over a girl... you need to pull yourself together, and we both know you won't get better if you stay here. Go find yourself another place to sleep, face your issues, and only then you can come back."

I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I'm angry. I'm angry at him for only honouring the rules of the house. I'm angry at myself for always ruining everything. I'm even angry at Clarke for being strong, and amazing, beautiful, brave, and all those things that my heart is craving for.

"You have the rest of the day to pack and leave," Matt adds and walks back to his room. His door is shut before I can stop him.

There's nothing that could've made him go back on his decision, but I should've apologize. Even 'I'm sorry' would've been better than just staying silence in front of his tumid face.

I pack fast. I don't have much, still have this small luggage, only takes me half an hour to put my stuff back in it. I leave a house, the same way I left Clarke yesterday night - running. Running away from my responsibilities. I go straight to a small tavern, eleven minutes outside of campus. I know the walk by heart, I've done it a thousand times. I worked there when I first got into university because I really needed the money, but then I figured my two teams were doing great and I could survive my degree by winning championships.

I come in, and a tiny hurricane moves inside my stomach when I see Indra's face behind the bar. She's the owner of the tavern, along with her husband. She has a grown up daughter two years younger than me that I swore Indra I'd never touch. (Her daughter, Gaia, really is pretty but I wouldn't try anything - Indra would take my ovaries off if I did try to get Gaia into my bed).

Indra stops moving when she sees me standing in front the door, old black luggage in hand, exactly like the first time I came here. I was probably looking as miserable because Indra comes quick to me and tells me to _sit my ass_ at the bar.

Indra is not into hugs, or she pretends to be, because I know she has the purest heart I know. Knew. Clarke's face appears in my mind, and I think of how her mistakes make her perfect. Again. I think too much about her, and Indra makes me say it eventually. 'Why are you here with your big bag and that lost puppy face of yours ?' she asked me after pouring me a beer. I was kicked out of my frathouse for punching its president in the face. Five times in a row. She laughs loudly - which is a new trick of her I think, because I've never heard her laugh like this before - and stops abruptly to stare at me. Her dark eyes search my brain.

'For a girl. I punched him for a girl,' I admitted. And now, I have the key of the old room I once lived in before getting into a sorority, and my job back as a waitress. I couldn't tell Indra everything, she felt I wasn't ready to. Indra's rough kindness makes me regret leaving this place to go live on campus. I really should've visited her more than once every two months.

So many regrets. I let myself fall onto the bed. I feel fine living in this little dark room. I like the wooden walls. I like the old oil lamp. I even like the tiny bathroom though it's three times smaller than the one I had at the frathouse.

Matt was right - I might need to stay away from student life for a while. I'll only go to class, but I will avoid any other place on campus. I doubt I'm still on the teams after what I've done to Matt anyway, he's too good of a player for his beating to be taken lightly.

I sigh. It might help me to fight for a living instead of being left alone fighting my demons.

I really need to focus on the after-graduation life, the life ahead, my life.

* * *

Clarke

I found a place to rent. Well, I hope they'll let me rent it. I come into restaurant and discover three rows of table, one against the wall on the left, one in the middle, and one on the right, a few feet from the bar. I go sit at the latter and wait for someone to come.

I'm reviewing the sheet of paper bearing the informations I need to know about my new job. I'm lucky I got this particular job, it's a good opportunity, and I have to hold on to it. I can't break again, I can't think of Lexa who ran away from me just like I did before. I have to let my anger behind.

I have a lot of resentment to forget. Resentment toward my mother, who yelled at me instead of helping me. Resentment toward Lexa, who acts like we never talked, like we're just these two girls we were when we met. I wish we had talked more, but she just ran.

I sigh. I can't focus on my paper anymore, so I put it away and close my eyes a bit while waiting for someone, whoever owns this place.

"Can I help you ?" wakes me up. I may have fallen asleep, head buried in my arms onto that bar, but the man speaking to me doesn't seem bothered.

"Huh, yeah, sorry," I say. "I know we're not in your opening hours but the front door was open."

He looks at me expectantly. Tell him what you came here for, Clarke. "I need a room. I just got a job in town and I need a place to stay for a while. Do you still have rooms available ?"

He stares silently at me. I'd lie if I said I'm not impressed by his long black beard, or his height. He's tall, really tall, and muscular. If he doesn't want me here, then I'll leave. I won't try to insist.

"We have three rooms left upstairs," he tells me, and my eyes widen harshly. My eyes may be on the edge of falling from my face, but my ears heard well, this man is letting me rent a room here !

He leads me upstairs. I saw the add in the papers. I thought the internet would be the best tool to find an apartment, but I was seeking something more affordable for the moment, and this place seemed nice.

Everything looks old, but it's clean. He shows me the way to my room - the first right up the stairs, on the left. The room is small, but I figure it's around the same size than the employee room I had on campus. A bed against the wall, a cupboard on the bed's left, a desk against the wall on the door's right, and the door of - I suppose - a washroom. Looking into it, I find toilets, sink and shower. Just what I need.

It's perfect. I thank the man, who tells me his name is Gustus and he can be found in the kitchen if I need anything. Rent has to be paid each week. Not expensive. I have a place and a job outside of campus, and I hope I'm gonna feel better now. I need to figure my own feelings out.

I have to get better. Right my wrongs. For my father, and, eventually, whenever she finds it in her heart to forgive me, my mother. My friends, too, who helped me though I let them down.

I have to be brave for all of them, and I hope that, in the process of getting better, I'll forget about the woman I thought could help me understand my feelings and nightmares about my past. But this woman is more of a little girl, who won't even let me help her. She's unreliable, just like _she_ was.

That's what I tell myself to stop thinking about how much I needed her.

* * *

Hurry, I have to hurry ! I slept through the afternoon and I told my new boss I'd be there tonight for some delivery he told me about when I signed in.

I change my clothes, tie my hair up and leave the room, slamming the door in the process. Woups. Hopefully no one was sleeping. I don't want to hear complaints on my first night here.

It's around 9pm and the restaurant is full. I smell foods, my stomach screams for me to stop and buy a dish, but I tell it to shut up. Walking through the restaurant, I'm stopped by a woman. Barely smaller than me, short black hair, her dark skin nicely marrying the yellow-orange-ish ceiling light. Only her face looks scary, but her harsh staring fades into a grin, and I feel better.

"Indra," she tells me, and I remember Gustus telling me about his wife. "You're the new girl ? Room 1 ?"

"Yes, Clarke. Clarke Griffin," I answer, and offer my hand to shake. She accepts it. I expected a tough handshake from her, but she wasn't brutal. I guess she isn't mean, she's just impressive, like her husband, to protect her restaurant.

I need to go, which I say, and she tells - orders- me to come get a free meal when I come back, as a welcoming gift. I thank her and leave.

They seem nice. I see Gustus and Indra as parents. They look like so. Tough but kindhearted. I chose the right place to stay. I'll just have a paper to sign and this room will officially be mine for a while.

Seems like I have both a nice job and a nice place to stay, so I suppose the only thing left I have to deal with is myself. Clear my head. Get things in order. Find out what to do with my life. I can. I will.

* * *

Lexa

I was woken up by a loud bang. I thought room one was unoccupied, but I guess someone came in at the last minute just like I did. Unexpectedly.

I rest, laying in bed, phone in hand, my finger scrolling down some feed of informations. Not that I'm paying much attention, I'm just waiting for my shift to start.

I try to think about nothing, then everything, and it fails. There's always Clarke. The look she was throwing at me just before I ran away. The hope that I'll be there for her, that I'll help her get better. How can I do that ? I'm wrecked.

It's time for me to go down and start working. Five hours straight. I don't really mind, I liked working here before and I don't see any reason to dislike it today. I have to get used to working again.

I grab an apron from the locker under the bar, put it on, get the notebook, a pen, and start taking orders.

Time flies. I don't get bored, there are many clients, and I have to turn down a man a bit over my age. He's not bad looking, but he chose the wrong waitress. The other, a girl I don't know whose name I heard is Anna, clearly picks up behind me. The man doesn't mind having getting another girl instead of me.

He's nice, not rude in any way, and she's nice too, so I throw a glance at them once in a while. Somehow I hope they'll end up together. Anna finishes her shift at midnight, while I'll have to close at 2:30am. In about twenty minutes, I'll get my answer. Will Anna and this guy get together ?

Passing by his table, I hear his name is Troy. Anna, serving clients at the bar, tries to ignore the fact that he's watching her. She's blushing, which means she can't really ignore him. But she pretends, because she doesn't want to play easy-to-get.

And that's when something changes in my brain. I go behind the bar, pretend to make a drink for some middle-aged woman.

"So, that guy ?" I ask Anna, standing beside her, close enough for me to be able to whisper and being heard.

"Yes," she tells me joyfully, "his name is Troy, he invited me out after my shift."

She's happy about it, without knowing much of this guy, and I don't understand how she can be this happy. I turn slightly so I can be face in front of her ear. I see her eyes locked on the man.

"He just wants to sleep with you," I whisper into her ear, and I feel her shivers. "I mean, who wouldn't want to ?"

She turns her head and looks at me. Into my eyes. I stare back, and I look down, slowly, and back up. I'm grinning, even though I don't really want to. And before she answers, I already know that what I'm doing is wrong.

"I'm straight," she says and goes back to her clients.

I can't move, because I realize what I was trying to do. I could get her. I could. If I kept acting like _her_ , like she did to get me. But it's wrong. For a moment, I hated Anna for the hint of joy in her eyes. I wanted it gone.

I'm so wrong.

I take off my apron and climb the stairs up to my room. I lock myself in. I can't. I can't be her. I was going to ruin the chances of two young people - who knows, maybe even to-be-married young people !

No, I'm going to far. They won't get married. Maybe they won't be together at all.

But I saw it in her eyes, and I couldn't help myself. There was this hint that made my brain click, this shade of hope.

Just like Clarke had yesterday.

* * *

Clarke

The walls are yet to be painted. White with some colored lines drawn on them for workers to know how to paint them, where to put some shelves, where to leave space for some paintings to be hanged. One more month and the gallery would be ready for opening.

"Good evening, Clarke," my boss greets me.

"Hello, Mr. Jaha." He starts explaining to me what to do. It's a big delivery tonight. It couldn't be done during the day because the truck bringing the stuff is too big and needs the whole street. At night, not so many people will be bothered by this truck. But we still have to hurry. No more than one hour to bring all the items inside the gallery. That's why Jaha asked for all his employees to come and help.

We're thirty. Only four other people have the same job as I do. I'm surprised, because the gallery will be open every day and many people will be interested in what it does - showing and teaching arts to sick children. I suppose, if the gallery becomes popular, other children will be allowed too, but classes won't be free for them. I think I've heard Jaha talk about it to some other man not long ago, but I'm walking in an out of the gallery and I can't stop to listen to other conversations.

Gladly, time goes fast. It's tiring, but less boring than cleaning dishes.

The truck leaves an hour and ten minutes later - ten minutes while Jaha was yelling for us to go faster. Most of the employees leave, but I don't feel like going back to my room yet, so I stay with a few of us and put things in order inside the gallery.

It's one in the morning when I decide to walk back to the restaurant. It's dark and most lampposts are off. But there's no one. I could try and imagine a shadow following me in the darkness, but I actually fine myself safer that I ever been. Being outside in the fresh night air feels nice. I don't feel watched. I don't feel judged. I can breathe deep, the air feels pure.

I come into the restaurant with an odd feeling of peace. It disappears when I see the waitress running around the room with glasses and cash. There are at least twenty people remaining at the restaurant, which, at this time of the night, is just a bar. How can the waitress be left alone with all these people ?

"We don't take any more client tonight, sorry," the waitress tells me while passing by.

"I'm not another client, I live upstairs," I say, and I shouldn't have, because the woman's eyes widen in hope and she begs me to help her. I refuse at first, but she tells me she was supposed to finish her shift one hour ago but the other waitress left her with all these clients !

She babbles things about how half of these people would have been gone one hour ago if they had been served faster, and how she could have gone with that handsome man - I don't care about what she says, I just know I'm working for free after having worked for hours.

I go in the kitchen as I'm told. I open a big grey door. There are boxes inside. I look for the wine one. There's supposedly a drawing of grapes on it. I notice it behind a box with some drawing of small one bread. I guess I'm gonna have to look at the food they serve here, because this room is pretty full of different products, and it makes me remember I'm hungry.

I grab the box full of bottles of wine. I thought these bottles were usually put on special shelves, just for them, surrounded by fresh air to keep them tasty. Like in caves. Right. Just lift that box and finish helping this girl, Clarke. I'm exhausted...

"Be careful with the bo-" I hear, but it's too late, the box is lifted up, my fingers under its sides. The center of the bottom opens abruptly and I step back to avoid getting any bottle on my feet, but there's a shelf behind me that my head bumps into, I'm pushed forward by gravity and I can't avoid that last bottle which crush onto my foot. I gasp, tumbling, and fall because of the pain.

The back of my head hurts, and it competes with the pain in my foot. I was too confused to hear or feel exactly on the moment, but I think I heard a bad noise. My ankle's scream.

"Oh, I'm so sorry !" the waitress says, but she's as tired as I am, just less hurt, "I should've warned you sooner !"

Yes, she should've. But it's too late now. My head spins a bit, but I don't think there's anything serious. The other girl does, because she kneels and takes my head into her hands. She looks around it and makes me feel even worse.

"I'm fine," I grumble.

"Your head doesn't seem fine, I'm gonna get you some ici !" she stands up and walks around in the kitchen, making noise, too much unbearable noise. I try to stand up, I need to get to my room now and faint in bed.

My ankle screams again and I figure with a loud gasp that I can't stand on my feet. The waitress comes back fast with ice that she hands me. She asked if it's my head that made me gasp and I tell her the pain in my ankle is worse.

"I'm gonna call Gustus and Indra," she says and disappears, leaving me alone on the kitchen floor.

 _Déjà vu_. I didn't think I'd find myself lying on a cold kitchen floor, in pain, so soon. I lie down on the floor, using the ice as a pillow for my head. Cold helps with the pain in my head, but my ankle is on fire.

I can picture the flames burning it on the inside. I need more ice, but it seems like the ice is put in some other place around the kitchen. I close my eyes and bit my lower lip. I'm so exhausted, even the pain won't keep me awake. Actually, the pain pushes me into sleep.

* * *

Loud music. Outside. From outside. _I loved you dangerously_. I know that music. I know it. Don't want to wake up. _More than the air that I breathe._ Sleep.

* * *

Lexa

"Open the door !" Indra yells.

I guess she doesn't like my music. I turn it off. This music is stupid anyway. About loving too much. So silly. Pointless. But it reminded me of Clarke. Everything reminds me of her. Well, maybe not Indra's sharp stare, but let's say - many things remind me of Clarke.

"You left Anna alone in the middle of your shift." She says it simply and yet I feel her death threat in her words. She would never kill me, it's her words, her tone, sharp like a knife. "She told me you made a move on her and ran upstairs when she refused." A knife straight into your heart.

I sigh, looking down. For the first time in a very long time, I don't want to look back at a challenging stare. I know I'm the one being wrong, and I want to change that. "I didn't mean to startle her. I don't know what's going on in my head lately. It won't happen again." But I don't apologize. I can't.

Those words are for one person only. They're precious coming from me, and I want them to be for her first. Clarke.

What I like about Indra is that she reads you, she understands how you feel, and right now she knows I don't feel proud about what I did, how I am. She knows I'll do my best to do better.

"Your shift starts sooner today. Two hours sooner. If you have class, skip it. The new girl in room one hurt herself last night by trying to do your job as a gesture of kindness toward Anna. You're gonna bring her a meal at noon and bring her whatever she needs."

Indra leaves me standing at my door. I'm sure she's grinning right now because she knows I'm gonna do what I've been told. I have to fix my mistakes.

I take a shower, change into clean clothes and go downstairs to start my shift. I guess I was just hired as the babysitter for that room One tenant.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi ! Chapter 8, already ! The good news is, chapter 9 will be longer ! But first, enjoy this one, see you next week ! ;)**

* * *

Lexa

I order a simple dish from Gustus. Steak and potatoes. That girl cannot dislike that, everyone likes steak and potatoes. I hope so, because I don't want to come back running to the kitchen with a full dish in hand.

I go upstairs, holding the tray with both hands. Once in front of the room's door I have to find a way to hold the tray firmly with one hand so I can knock with the other. I wait. Nothing at first, but I insist and then I hear noises inside. It takes time, but the door opens, and an unsteady silhouette appears.

Blonde hair, head lifting up until I fall into tired blue eyes. I freeze.

Clarke.

Her eyes widen when she sees me and slowly fill with anger. She tries to push the door forward to shut it but stumbles back, and I come in, lay the tray on the desk to go help her. I catch her and bring her to her bed, but she pushes me away without any strength.

She lies down, put her feet up and I notice it, the ankle. Red, swollen. It looks painful, and it surely is seeing Clarke's face.

"Clarke, you can't stay like th-"

"Leave."

No energy in her voice. I didn't think I'd see her again after what I did, running away from her, beating Matt up. But here she is. The girl from room One. So close to my room. Our doors are nearly facing. And I didn't even notice she was here before. While I couldn't stop thinking about her.

"You may be angry with me, but you need-"

"Need what Lexa ?" she spits, looking straight at the ceiling, "I needed you, I needed to talk to you, but you ran ! What did you think ? That I was going to ask you to marry me or something ? I just needed to talk, which you're not even capable of."

I swallow hard. I didn't expect her to be as harsh. Is she telling the truth ? About not wanting anything more from me ? Was is just me who hoped ?

"Really ? You just wanted to talk ? We already talked. We didn't get better. I may have run the other day, but I'm not the one lying today. You're lying because you don't want to admit that you needed me." I feel my voice starting to break. I can't, in front of her. I can't break. "I freaked out, Clarke. But I'm here to talk now, I won't go unless you tell me to." My anger failed when I realized that I was going to make her definitely mad at me. I can't stop thinking about how bad I've been to her, and I want to fix that. I need to. I will never be fine if she isn't.

Clarke doesn't pay attention to me. She closed her eyes while I was speaking. But she isn't sleeping, her jaws are tight because of the pain. Her ankle really doesn't look good.

"Let me at least get you some ice for your ankle," I nearly beg.

"Go," she answers, my heart shattering a bit more, "don't bother me anymore." I look around, trying to keep the tears in, but it hurts me to see her in pain instead of starting the process of getting better. I keep her from doing it. I play with her nerves even when I try to do good.

"I keep asking myself," she says, and I step back in fear of her words, "how can you be so angry at someone for leaving you without a word and do the same afterwards ?"

She compared me to _her_. She gave me the proof of how terrible of a person I am. I want to defend myself, to convince Clarke that she needs help, but nothing leaves my mouth. My throat is sore, and the only thing I manage to do is leave the room.

I go back downstairs. I doubt she'll touch her food, she can barely stand up. I go into the kitchen to get some ice. Anna finds me and follows me out, asking me about Clarke.

"She's injured," I tell her, "but she doesn't want my help. I'm still gonna give her ice."

"Let me do it," Anna says, and I feel like punching her, "she needs someone nice."

The bag of ice falls. I dropped it. She must be kidding, telling me I'm no good for Clarke, she barely even knows me ! I was mean to her last night, but I've been trying to be nice to Clarke though I have no clue how to be someone good.

For now, the only thing I can do is take orders. Even though I don't want Anna to spend time with Clarke, I hope Clarke will accept Anna's help. If tonight she still hasn't made any doctor appointment, I'm gonna have to call someone. Her ankle looks horrifying, I'm afraid it won't get better with some rest.

I wish working could help me forget about Clarke's words, but knowing Clarke is upstairs, so close yet so far from me, hurts more than not knowing anything at all.

* * *

Clarke

I didn't really want to push Lexa away. I didn't expect to see her here, I didn't know how to react, I wasn't ready to confront her. Part of me wanted to ask her to stay, but Lexa always runs, and it hurts a bit more everytime. I want to believe her, I want her presence to soothe me like it did after I told her about my past, but I'm too scared to see her leave again if I let her spend time with me.

I wonder why she acts like she does. What does she want ? She followed me for a long while, always finding me on campus, and when I finally want to see her, she runs away. How can it not hurt me ?

There's another knock on my door. She must be back. "LEAVE ME ALONE !" I yell, exhausted of fighting her.

"It's me, Anna, the waitress from last night ?"

Oh. Her. The woman who asked me to work freely for her in the middle of the night. The pain in my head and ankle is as much her fault as it is Lexa's.

"I got you some ice !" she adds.

Right. Maybe I will let her in then. I'm craving for cold. "The door is open !"

She comes in and her smile disappears when she sees my ankle. I know it doesn't look very pretty, but I can't get myself to call a doctor. Hospitals remind me of my mother, of her work and of the time I spent there with her, thinking I'd be like her someday. I can't. I don't even know if my mother will forgive me. This is more painful than my ankle's injury.

"Here," she says, cautiously settling the ice onto my foot. She looks around, probably looking for the tray Lexa brought me. When she sees it on the desk, she closes the door and fetches the tray. "Do you need any more help ? I won't stay for long if you don't want me to, I'd just really like to help you after what happened last night..."

And I might need some help. She's not so bad, and if I let her go I won't be able to do anything on my own. I really need to get back on my feet to go to work tomorrow.

"Anna, right ?" I ask, unsure of her name. I wasn't really listening to her earlier.

"Yes, though it's short for Niylah, but Anna is just easier for everyone," she explains, smiling lightly.

She brings the tray to the bed and I sit up as best as I can. She sits beside me to help me stay steady. Food smells good, but I don't.

"I guess it didn't go very well with Lexa..." she says, "she is odd, this girl."

I don't want to talk about Lexa. I just want to be fine on my own. Why does she always have to come back ? I leave campus and find out she's leaving on the same floor as I do, above a restaurant. What are the odds ?

I don't answer. I grab my fork and taste one potatoe. Anna speaks again.

"Did Lexa... did she do anything wrong to you ? I mean, was she rude or... forward ?"

"Forward ?" I ask straight away. I think I know what Anna means, but I still wonder why the waitress is asking me this.

"Well, Lexa acted oddly last night... she saw me flirting with that man and got all weird about it, like she wanted me to choose her instead of him and... and I lied. I told her I was straight and walked away."

Anna seems to feel bad about lying, and I keep myself from rolling my eyes at such innocence.

"You lied for her to leave you alone, nothing wrong," I say, and there's a disgusting taste in my throat. Lexa tried to get that waitress last night, to play with her, just like she wanted me in the first place, but I thought she was over it. Lexa has lied to me too. She's not changing at all. She really is like the girl who left her years ago.

Do I have to feel wrong for thinking that ? I see the picture of a baby in my head, a little girl with Lexa's eyes and skin. Lexa lost more than just a lover. She lost a child. And that makes me feel terrible for thinking Lexa can be as awful as that child abductor.

Will Lexa ever look for her daughter ?

"I don't want to hide who I am," Anna says, bringing me back to the main topic, "I'm proud of my sexuality."

Right. Fascinating. Anna is pointing the fact that she is bisexual and, from the way she's discretely looking at my body, I can tell she's not staying here with me just because she feels sorry. But she's not that bad looking and maybe I could use her to my advantage. I'm tired of being used, so for once, I'll just use someone else. I'm sure Anna won't mind this one.

"I'm not very hungry right now," I tell her, "actually, I really need to take a shower, but I can't stand on my feet, so if you don't mind... I'd understand if you refuse, it seems weird, but seeing we're both adults, I thought I could at least ask."

And it works. She blushes and stands up to go prepare the shower. I could be deadly sick that she wouldn't even know. I guess she doesn't pay much attention, like all of us at parties. But we're pretty much sober at the moment, and when she comes back to help me stand up, I let her arms wrap my waist.

It doesn't feel wrong asking for her assistance. My anger and pride are focussed on someone else.

* * *

Lexa

There are not so many clients in the tavern, that's probably why Anna left me alone. I suppose she left after giving Clarke the ice. I was busy taking orders, I didn't pay attention. But now I'm wondering how Clarke is doing. She doesn't want to see me, but the more I wait the more I worry. She hurt herself doing my job last night and if her injury gets worse I won't forgive myself.

Clarke deserves better. She doesn't seem to see it.

I wait. Try not to go upstairs fight Clarke again. But not hearing from her irritates me, so I take off my apron and climb the stairs. I knock on the door, unsure of what I'm doing. I don't hear much noise before the door opens, and that was the first clue. The clue that should've made me run. Leave before seeing Anna smiling at me, her blonde wet hair falling on her right shoulder, and above the latter I see Clarke pushing down a shirt. Her hair is wet too. I don't look for any other clue. I already know. Anna isn't as straight as she said. And Clarke didn't want to be alone after all.

My eyes fill with anger and pain and I turn around to go straight to my room, bursting the door open, the door nearly in front of Clarke's, just a bit on the left, so close to her, so far. I grab my luggage, the few items that I had taken out of it and leave the room. I can't stay here if Clarke is gonna play here.

I guess she found a way to distract herself from the pain in her ankle.

What did I hope for ? Clarke changing her mind ? I wanted to help her. I didn't do the right thing the other day but I wanted to try now.

I don't look into Clarke's room but I see the glances on me. Anna, still standing at the door, grab my arm before I can disappear in the staircase.

"You're not leaving now, right ? Your shift isn't over !" she says with a voice full of judgement, like I'm not trustable and I can't even work like normal people do because I have too many issues. How dare she ? She just got her way with Clarke at her workplace. I see her smile in my head, the one she was wearing when she opened the door a minute ago. I turn toward her and grab that disgusting wet collar of her.

Her hair isn't dry and she dares telling me about how disrespectul I have been. I push her harshly against the wooden wall and hold her against it, my fists tight around the fabric of her shirt.

"You think you're better than me ?" I spit.

"Lexa !" I hear Clarke's voice, angry, disgusted. She stood up on one foot, her other foot being incapable of holding her up. "Let go of her ! You're insane !"

I am. And Anna has already won, I realize it at feeling Clarke's disappointed glance on me. I let go and Anna runs down the stairs, escaping the monster I am.

"What the hell is wrong with you ?" Clarke asks, tired. No, exhausted.

"I offered you my help and you refused it. For what, Clarke ? Get your way in a shower with a waitress you barely know ?"

"A shower, Lexa ! I needed to take a shower and she helped me !"

I should be the one to stop yelling but I can't. I'm mad. About Clarke, about her not caring about herself.

"It's not a shower you need it's a doctor !" I yell desperately and sigh, looking down at the red and white swollen ankle. "I could get you that. Whatever you need, I want to help you, for real, I told you I freaked out the other day, but I'm not going to run away from you again, why won't you let me help ?"

"How can I believe you ? You keep changing your mind !" she yells, and I'm going to yell back, but a sharp voice puts an end to the conversation.

"Stop this immediately," Indra orders. She just appeared in the stairs. "Lexa, you're gonna take Clarke to the hospital for her ankle, but first we need to talk."

I look at Clarke who looks away. I don't have a choice. I come down and follow Indra in the kitchen. Anna warned her, obviously.

Indra is standing in a kitchen full of knives, looking at me like she's still chosing in her mind the kind of blade she wants. She doesn't ask me why I'm acting stupidly. She doesn't need to. I tell her right away, because she took me back in and all I've done is mess with everything.

"It's her. Clarke."

It's enough for Indra to understand that I came back here because I fought my house's president for Clarke.

"You're gonna take her to the hospital and talk. When you come back, you better be on good terms." She doesn't make a long speech about how bad I've been acting. "Otherwise I'd have no other choice but to let you go." She leaves the kitchen. A few words are enough. Indra doesn't waste time. I did.

On my way out of the kitchen, I meet Gustus. He doesn't say anything, he simply gives me car keys. I don't own a car, I guess Indra told him to lend me their car. I take the keys, giving him a thankful nod.

Upstairs, Clarke is sitting on her bed, a painful wince on her face. She throws a glare at me and I know taking her to the hospital won't be an easy task.

"Clarke, let me take you to the hos-"

"No."

"You have to see a doctor !"

"I'll ask Raven to take me."

I sigh desperately. "We both know you're just gonna keep ignoring your problems." I put my hand holding the keys up to show Clarke I can give her a ride now. "Indra lets me take her car. Look, you hurt yourself doing my job, let me at least fix that."

Clarke's head falls. She is too tired to yell at me. I lean a bit to see her face and for an instant I think I see a crying frown on her forehead.

"You say you want to help me," she whispers angrily, "but you don't help yourself. You pretend to not care about your lost child but we both know you care about your daughter and her disappearance hurt you more than your ex's betrayal."

My heart slips. It strongly knocks against my chest and keeps me from denying Clarke's words. My eyes open in shock as I slowly realize that she's right. I've been lying to myself all this time. My eyes sting. The few memories of the baby in my arms burn my brain and cut my breathing. I can't think about it now. I have to be strong for Clarke. She needs to see a doctor.

"We have to go," I say, stepping forward.

"Why don't you go try to find her ?" she says, and I'm about to beg to stop talking about her, it's too painful, but my heart convinces my mind to complain.

"She's gone... I will never find her... it's been more than four years... she must be a happy, healthy lit-" No. Wait. She can't be. Is she ? My memories show me the little girl I was, walking every few months the hospital corridors. My mother told me I was sick like she was as a kid. I step back, legs weak, lean against the desk.

My kidneys were weak, but my mother knew it because she had it too and her mother before her. My grandmother started it all. The passing of a disease. I should've thought of it earlier. I should've told the doctors when I was pregnant.

"She might be dead," I say, "she might be dead because of me." I've been wrong all this time. "What if she's already dead ?" The dream of the playground with a little girl laughing on top of a slide is fading away. "What if she got sick too and couldn't be saved ?" I always thought my daughter was happy somewhere. I'm wrong. She might be dead.

My shoulder hurts and looking at it I find Clarke's hand holding onto it. She's trying to stand beside me. I look up to her and her tired eyes show determination.

"If your daughter is or has been sick she can be found. Come on. We're going to Alpha Hospital."

"Alpha..." I whisper, filled with a soothing confusion. "It's four hours away from here... why don't we go to the nearest hospital ?" My heart is slowing down its pace as I feel like Clarke has a solution to offer.

"My mother's hospital. She may be mad at me, but she will try to help you."

She presses my shoulder for me to help her walk. We were fighting two minutes ago, but it appears Clarke wants to help me. Maybe that's what she wanted to do before and I didn't let her. I guess we should've helped each other from the beginning. Running away wasn't a very good move.

We hit the road. We don't talk. Clarke falls asleep fast. The pain in her ankle must be awful, and I sincerely hope there's nothing serious.

I do my best to focus on the road, but the tiny green eyes are in my mind. I've seen my baby twice before she disappeared, and her absence has been breaking my heart ever since. Clarke was right.

I pull away halfway. Clarke is still sleeping and I try not to wake her up with my cries. _Her_. I've missed the wrong _her_ for years. It slowly became obvious after I met Clarke, because since then I don't feel like I need _her_ , the woman I once loved, but there's still this painful gap in my chest, and all the love I hid for the baby hit me.

I have a daughter. I will never be at peace until I know what happened to her these last few years. But I also will never forgive myself if I find out she died.

* * *

Clarke

Arms grab me. The car. I'm pulled out of the car. I open my eyes, light burns. My feet aren't on the floor.

"What's..." I try to ask.

"You're okay, we're almost in the hospital," a calm voice answer. I feel safe.

I can't keep my eyes open. My ankle is on fire and I can feel my heartbeats echoing in my foot. I'm laid down on a cold chair. There's noise around me knocking my head. The arms let go of me. Too much noise. Too much pain. I slip back into sleep.

* * *

 _Beep_. _Beep_. I hate that noise. I hate the painkiller flooding through my veins, keeping me from distinguishing the silhouette beside me.

"Lexa..." I try, hope it's her and not some weirdo. She took me here, I remember.

"It's me, Clarke." Not her. Not Lexa.

"Mom ?" I see the silhouette more clearly now. I wonder if I'm dreaming, if my mother really is here, but another question feels more important and I ask "Where's Lexa ?"

Hesitation. My sight is still a bit blurred but I can see my mother's face considering her words before she lays a reassuring hand on my forearm.

"She's doing something very brave."

What does that mean ? I want to ask, but I'm hit by exhaustion. My mother knows Lexa ? They've met while I was sleeping ? I don't have time to ask, I'm pushed back into sleep, and I understand my mother doesn't want me to wake up just yet.


	9. Chapter 9

**Heya !**

 **New chapter, longer than usual. It was supposed to be two chapters but I chose not to split it. You'll understand why soon enough.**

 **Sorry for the possible mistakes and typos, I have to read every chapter in both versions, french and english, and I can't feel my eyes. Anyway, hope you like it !**

 **See you next week with a normal chapter.**

* * *

Lexa

I lay Clarke on a chair. She doesn't seem to be able to wake up. My arms and core hurt from having carried her. It reminds me of practice, I miss it. I look around to find someone to talk to. Gladly, someone stops in front of Clarke, and I don't have to run around looking for some secretary to guide me inside this hospital.

"You know her ?" I ask the woman who sat beside Clarke to check her vitals.

She is asian, long black hair tied up, dark red lipstick. She looks up at me with a frown. She is as confused as I am.

"I'm Dr. Cartwig," she tells me without letting go of Clarke. "What happened to Clarke ?"

I don't ask for more informations yet. Clarke is more important, so I explain what happened to Clarke while she was doing my job. I try to remain calm though I hate seeing Clarke hurt because of me. The doctor page some colleague and tells me to follow her upstairs where she let me wait on another cold chair.

I'm thirsty and tired after the long drive but I don't want to miss a chance to have informations about Clarke. I know the only reason she let me drive her to the hospital is that she thinks she can help me find my daughter, but I'm not sure she can, and I don't want to hope for nothing.

I think about it for what feels like hours before a woman appears in front of me.

"Hello, you're the one who brought Clarke here, isn't ?" she asks me, and I nod.

I stand up to shake her hand and I think she feels my worry from my trembling hand.

"Lexa," I tell her, "Lexa Woods."

"I'm Dr. Abigail Griffin," she replies, and I swallow hard at the acknowledgement that I'm meeting Clarke's mother.

So she really works here... as a doctor...

"How is she ?" I ask, losing my patience.

"She's been taken care of, nothing serious. Would you mind following me to my office ? I would like to talk to you more privately."

I nod and follow her. I don't really have a choice, her daughter is at the hospital because of me. We come into a room darkened by the closed store. She turns on the desk lamp and sit. I sit in the comfortable chair in front of her desk. When I look up, I realize she's been staring at me all along with a confused frown between her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry about Clarke," I say, breaking the awkward silence settled between us since we got into the office, "she hurt herself doing something I was supposed to do, she was trying to help my co-"

"Who are you, Lexa ?"

I'm dumbfounded. I just told her who I was. Unless she means to ask who am I for Clarke ?

"I met Clarke on campus. She's not very fond of me, she only let me take her here because she thinks you might be able to help me with something."

"Something ?"

She seems interested. Actually, the way she looks at me is more than disturbing. I feel like we've met before, but I've never been here in the past.

"Clarke thinks you might..." I don't know how to formulate this. Can I say the word ? It's not like I could say it any other way... "She thinks you might help me find my daughter."

The doctor's eyes grow wide and it's enough to convince me that she knows something.

"Why do you think I could help you ?" she says, guarded. She wants to be sure just like I do.

"My daughter was taken from me by my ex after birth. But... I think she might be sick. My grandmother, and mother, and then me - we all had kid-"

"Polycystic kidney disease," she states and I'm dumbfounded once again. "How are you kidneys today ?"

I don't think any more. She's gonna tell me what the hell is going on after I answer her questions.

"My mother made me start exams very early. I was treated before my kidney could fail, so I forgot about it. I... I didn't tell the doctors when I was pregnant so..."

"It's ok, Lexa," she reassures me. "Look," she joins her hands to maintain a very serious body position. My blood is pulsing against my temples. I need to know what she knows. "I created the pediatric hospital, the western buidling of this hospital. Every month, a few children from all over the country are brought here to get treated."

She knows. I can tell she knows. But she's too slow.

"Your face reminds me of one of our patients, but it wasn't enough to tell you are related. The thing is - a girl was brought to us three weeks ago after having been treated at TonDC Hospital for three months. Her kidneys are failing, and her parents have been gone for two weeks. The police have been investigating while we're waiting for a donor. She-"

"IS IT HER OR NOT ?!" I yell, overwhelmed. I'm terrified. What if it's not her ? What if she's dead already ?

"That is what I need to ask you," she answers too calmly for my nerves to stop pinching my muscles, "would you have a DNA test ? We can make it happen fast and in one hour we'll know."

"She's four, right ? Four years and five months old." I always thought I didn't remember her exact age. But june 7 is a date I could never forget.

The doctor doesn't answer, but I think I saw a slight nod. I stand up and follow her, doing my best to stand on my nervous legs. I can't believe a genetic disease might have helped me to find my daughter.

* * *

I wait. I'm once again on a cold chair waiting for those DNA test results. I'm tired but I still cannot bring myself to close my eyes. Whether or not my daughter is here in this hospital, it would still be a huge mockery laid on me by fate.

I've learnt that this hospital is one of the best of the country for children, and I need confirmation of it, so I walk around, read about it on my phone. Clarke believed her mother could help me find my child, and she was so sure of herself, so determined to help me find her that I think she never believed what I said that night, when we walking in the streets after I told her my story at the bar. She never believed that I didn't love my baby. And if I learn that my kid is somewhere here or in another hospital, I'm gonna have to admit the truth. I dreamt of raising my child with a woman I love, but the moment the baby was laid in my arms seconds after the birth, there were just her and me. The baby and me. I wanted her life to be perfect, because I felt her grow inside me for months. And no matter who would have helped me raise her, I would've still loved her.

"Lexa, please follow me," Dr. Griffin says.

I blink several times. Am I dreaming ?

We're back into her office. She lays the papers she was holding on her desk. She looks at me with the same look she had when she first saw me - like she knows me. She waits, thinks, and if she doesn't speak fast I'm gonna faint. It's not this Griffin I'd like to faint in front of.

She sighs and relieves me with words.

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you, it seems very suspicious. The girl was supposed to be sent to Polis Hospital, which is -"

"Close to campus," I whisper, and understand what the doctor means. I look down. It's all clear now. "The girl really is my daughter and I was supposed to find her..."

"Well, to tell you the truth, Lexa, the child's state is critical and there was going to be researches near campuses. If she doesn't get a transplant fast she's going to-"

"I'm here now," I say, panicked, "I'm viable, take a piece of kidney or something, but save her !"

Dr. Griffin leans on her deck, joining both of her hands together. "We need to do some tests first to make sure you can do it. But first, you need to know that the police is investigating. We have no sign of the parents since the girl was brought here, and now we know they aren't her biological parents, the police will need your story."

I was going to find her anyway. I was going to find my child. They want me to save her. Whether I gave her a piece of me and she lives, or she dies and then they won't have to bother with her. They. I'm not sure of who _they_ are, but I think they're _them_. Her and the biological father. Who else ? They ran away with my baby, I know that, and I'm sure they were very disappointed when they found out the kid was sick.

"I'll help. I'll do whatever it takes. But we have to save her first..." I haven't seen her yet but I know it's the right thing to do. I might have another chance with her, a chance of having her back in my life, and I'm going to fight this time, I'm not letting them take her away from me again. "Can I see her ?" I'm terrified, but I don't see any other way.

The doctor nods and we leave the office, and walk, and walk, everlastingly. Until we get to a room. The doctor makes me stop, looks at me and knows she's gonna have to stay close to me because we both know I'm gonna break. My whole body is shaking. I step into the room.

A slight sunray is coming through the curtains. There's a small figure on the bed, escaping from the huge blanket. The first thing I notice is the strand of hair enlightened by the sunray. Blonde hair. Curled like mine was when I was a kid. My heart skips a first beat. I walk closer to the bed and I bite my lip at seeing the tubes in her nose. Her small nose. Her little plump lips underneath. Purple. She's pale. And only now I let myself look at her entire face. I gasp and lean against the cupboard beside the bed.

She looks exactly like me when I was a kid, and I understand why Clarke's mother has looked at me with so much confusion when she first saw me. This little girl is a younger me. Same as I'm a younger version of my mother. I always thought it was a fantasy that would never happen to me - having a child looking exactly like you, but here she is. Four years old. She's gorgeous, though she's sick, and I want to lay my hand on hers, to kiss her forehead, to never leave her side, but I'm still leaning against the cupboard, tears stinging my eyes, and I let them fall, same as I let my trembling legs bend.

I'm down on the ground. I can't stop the pain from making me cry and shake, and I'm ashamed, because I should be the brave one here. I should get up and meet my daughter, but she's asleep, close to death, because I didn't try to find her sooner.

Some grey blanket surrounds me and I'm pulled until I'm laying on a bed. I found her. I found my daughter. Maybe I was supposed to find her. Maybe it's all a trick. But it's still a chance. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna do it, save her.

* * *

Clarke

I left my room though the nurse told me to stay in bed. I walked on one foot - if we can call this walk - and in the corridor I asked a random nurse if I could have crutches because mine were stolen. Yes, I lied, but I can't stay in bed forever. I don't know how long I've slept, but I have a feeling my mother kept me in sleep for a little while.

I limp around until I get to the secretary. I ask her if Lexa is here, she brought me here and she disappeared. I remember my mom's words before I fell back into sleep, and I'm worried. Worried about Lexa. I saw the pain in her eyes when I mentioned her daughter, back at the tavern. She must have admitted to herself that she cares about her lost child and I'm worried she made a mistake trying to find her.

"Clarke," my mother's voice echoes and Dr. Griffin approaches fast. I stop her before she grabs me and throw a death glare at the secretary.

There's no doubt my mother asked her to page her if I came asking for Lexa. It proves there is, indeed, something going on with Lexa.

"Where is she ?" I ask my mother.

A nurse brings a wheelchair and I roll my eyes.

"I'll bring you to her room only if you sit in that chair, you are not supposed to be standing."

I roll my eyes and sit in the damn chair. My mother starts pushing it as if I couldn't roll it myself. I really hope she's bringing me to Lexa and not back to my room. We haven't talked yet about what happened last time we've seen each other, but I don't want to now, I want to see Lexa first, make sure she's fine, though I hate the bitch she can be, she's not that bad of a person. She deserves to know about her child.

We pass through corridors that aren't on the way of my room. I know my mother isn't taking me back there, and my heart starts beating fast, faster and faster, until we stop in front of a closed door.

My mother walk around the chair to face me.

"You told Lexa you thought I could help her find her daughter."

She met Lexa. Otherwise she wouldn't talk about her this way.

"Could you help her ?" I ask, impatient.

My mother throws a look at the door and I know the answer is in there. Lexa is in here. Maybe not just Lexa. It can't be...

"Her daughter was here all this time ?!" I whisper loudly as if it was a secret.

She throws me a glare meaning 'keep it down' and answers. "This is what I'm worried about. This girl was brought here three weeks ago but it's not the hospital that was asked for. The couple who brought her here wanted her at Polis Hospital."

Polis Hospital. The closest hospital to campus. Closest hospital to Lexa.

"What's up with the child ?" I ask. Lexa feared a sickness that her daughter might have.

"Polycystic kidney disease," the doctor in my mother explains very seriously. "We removed the cysts but it doesn't keep her kidney from failing. She needs a transplant."

A transplant. That's what Lexa is going to do ? A kidney transplant ? Half a kidney ? A piece of- shit ! That's insane !

I ignore my mother, stand up fast and push the door open. I struggle with my injured ankle, but I want to see her, Lexa. I hear my mother asking me to stop but I go deep into the room and find two beds. One with Lexa, sleeping. One with a child. I look at the latter, confused for a moment before the idea becomes obvious. A very pale little girl sleeping in this big bed is enough of a proof. Lexa does have a daughter. A beautiful little girl. Looking just like her mother.

"Clarke..."

I think a voice called me but it was barely a whisper under the noise of the machines. I turn my head to look at Lexa, just in case it was her who called, and see her eyes open staring at me. I go sit on her bed, relieving my legs from pressure.

"You found her," I tell her, glad she did, but awfully worried. She found her too easily. She was supposed to find her. If she didn't have to take me to the hospital, then she would've heard of a poor little girl at Alpha Hospital waiting desperately for a kidney transplant and it would've been enough for her curiosity to be out there looking.

"She's beautiful," Lexa says, her voice shaking, and I see her eyes full of tears. She's exhausted and I wish I could take her out of here, but I know Lexa already made her choice.

"She looks just like you," I try to smile, but it's hard because I can't hate the woman beside me right now. She looks more vulnerable than ever and I'm afraid she's getting tricked again. "Lexa -"

"I know," she cuts me off right away, not willing to hear my speech. "I have to save her. I just found her. I can't let her die. Her blood type is rare, they couldn't find a donor."

She will do this no matter what I say and I can't do anything against it because I can't let a little girl die. Lexa's daughter. Lexa's beautiful daughter.

I look down, ashamed of the very short and selfish thought of me taking Lexa away from here. I don't want to see Lexa hurt again, but she will be anyway, because her daughter is here, sick. And I want to make sure Lexa is in good health, so I take the file at the edge of her bed and read it.

They've done all the exams they needed to do while I was asleep. I still don't know how long I've slept, but I guess it's at least thirty hours. I put the file back where I took it.

"Tomorrow morning," I say, feeling like time goes too fast.

"It's gonna be okay, with a piece of kidney from me she'll heal. I'm her mother after all, the best medicine she could get..." she says those words with a sorrowed hope.

She regrets not having been there for her daughter before, but it's not her fault. Now she's here. She's doing the good thing. Though I want to scream and yell at everyone in here because I fear Lexa won't make it out of surgery.

She will. My mother is a great surgeon. She will be fine. I'm still scared. I hated Lexa for being near me all this time but I wanted her near. I needed someone like her. I wish she wanted me to stay, but since we shared our stories she is somehow distant. She fears me, or the truth, or both, I'm not sure.

"We'll talk, when you're through this, right ?" I ask.

I need her to tell me we'll talk again, spend some time as us, the real us, not the fake bitches we've been. I don't want to yell at her anymore. I want to talk. Understand who she is. Why I need her so much yet am so angry at her.

"We will," she says, and closes her eyes.

She needs some sleep. I watch her until her breathing slows down and she's back into deep sleep. I look on her and her daughter for a while until my mother orders nurses to bring me back to my room.

* * *

I wouldn't have slept without the meds. I don't feel my foot much. There was a small infected wound that deepened when I twisted my ankle and they pumped the pus out of the wound. Like we do for cysts. Cysts that Lexa's daughter had not long ago. Lexa's daughter whom might die tomorrow if the transplant doesn't work.

And it will hurt Lexa even more to know that she arrived too late.

No.

This can't happen.

It has to work, because I wouldn't know how to help Lexa if her daughter died. For now, all I can do is tell her she's gonna be okay and watch her back. I don't know if I'm really able to keep her safe. The people who hurt her by taking her daughter away seem heartless. Exactly like the person who put me down in the past.

I need to sleep a few hours before dawn. I have to see Lexa before she and her daughter go into surgery.

* * *

I try to be discrete walking with crutches. It's not as easy as I thought it would be, but I manage to get to Lexa's room before any nurse pay attention to me and page my mother. I still haven't talked with her yet about our issues but I intend to do it once I get Lexa out of here safe and healthy.

Lexa is my sole priority for now. I hardly believe it myself.

I find Lexa sitting on her daughter's bed. The little girl is still sleeping. Lexa looks tired and worried, like yesterday, but with the anxiety of surgery day crushing her. I sit in front of her. Normally I would ask if I can sit but anyone with sight can see how difficult it is for me to stand for long on my crutches. The painkillers effects are still making me stumble. I have to be careful if I want to keep wandering around.

Lexa, who was watching her daughter, looks up at me and her lips lift up in a little smile. She tries to stay positive. She might not get her daughter back once out of the hospital, yet she's willing to risk her life for the child.

"Lexa... have you told your story to the police ?"

The question occurs and I hope it won't hurt Lexa more than the whole situation already does.

She looks away, and I see a hint of shame in her eyes. She swallows hard and admits. "I tried." I understand it was too hard for her, which seems normal seeing she just found her daughter four years after the birth and disappearance. "Clarke..." she looks at me with wide hopeful eyes, and my heart beats hard at the intensity of her stare. "I need you to tell them. You're the only one who knows everything..."

Everything she knows. But not everything. She doesn't know everything herself. That's why the situation is messed up.

"I'm not sure they'd believe me..." I tell her.

"You're the only one who knows everything..."

I can't refuse. She's begging me and I feel the urge to pull her in my arms, but I don't, because I notice her right hand on the bed, near the kid's hand, but not touching it, and I wonder why Lexa has been spending all this time beside her child without do so much as holding her hand.

I grab Lexa's hand and she slightly jumps in surprise. I gently pull her hand up to her daughter's sleepy head and cautiously lay her hand on the blonde curls. Lexa throws an anxious stare at me. She understands what I'm trying to do but she's scared. I lay my hand on Lexa's free hand to reassure her. Lexa may be strong, but when it comes to her kid, she's afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Her hand's warmth must have been felt by the girl because she opens her small eyes and I feel Lexa trying to pull away, so I tighten my grip on her hand for her to stay here and meet her daughter for real.

I lose myself in the kid's eyes as I find a similar shade of green, veiled with grey. She really has her eyes... Lexa's mesmerizing eyes... the child's eyes meet the mothers and I'm almost ashamed of being here, with them, in such a private moment. But soon enough the girl closes back her eyes, and I'm not sure of what happened. There was something in the girl's stare, when she was looking at Lexa. Like she knew, without knowing. Like she felt it.

Lexa's body is tensed and looking at her face I see a single tear rolling down her cheek. Her hand doesn't leave her daughter's head. I should leave with her child. I stand up, unsure of what I saw. The little girl opened her eyes for a brief moment and I want to believe what I saw is real. That the girl feels a connection to Lexa. That she recognizes her somehow. She grew inside Lexa... could she feel familiar to her mother ?

I grab one crutch and go for the other, but a hand closes on my wrist, and lifting my glance up I fall into Lexa's begging eyes. She wants me to stay with her. And I do until it's time to get ready for surgery, because Lexa and I have been in it together for a while now.

I don't know what _it_ is yet, but we were proved before that we can't escape from what's happening.

* * *

I've been waiting all day in my room for the surgery to be done. The police came to interrogate Lexa again but she was getting ready for surgery. I wanted to talk to them, as Lexa asked me, but my mother came in and sent me back to my room. She said she'd come to see me later in the day.

It's already late in the afternoon. I can't fall asleep, I can't empty my mind, so I wait for my mother to come, green shaded with grey spilling all over the walls while I try to figure how it all happened. So fast. I fear Lexa is getting tricked again, and I won't let that happen. Neither of us can run away anymore.

"Clarke," my mother calls, finally visiting me.

She checks my foot and sits on the bed beside me. She lays her hand on mine and I'm scared of what's going to happen. Is she going to forgive me or tell me new cutting words ?

"You should be able to see Lexa in an hour," she says, and I exhale, relieved. But there's a few seconds of silence which tells me my mother has other concerns. "You seem very close to Lexa."

There it is. She wants to know if I love her, I should've seen coming, she hinted it before. I want to say no straight away, but no word comes out when I open my mouth, because I don't know what my feelings for Lexa are. I do feel something for her, but I'm not sure yet. We need to talk. To clear things up. And maybe then I'll be able to tell if I want to be with her. For now, I just want to see her and make sure she's okay.

"Lexa is special," I tell my mother, "she helped me, somehow, but it's complicated. The situation with her daughter -"

"-is odd," she finishes. "Lexa coming in at the right time to save her daughter can't be considered as random, or lucky. We need to find out quickly what's going on around that kid."

I nod, slowly, having been asking myself the same questions for the past hours.

She stands up, but I stop her. I need to know before she goes again.

"Mom ! Do you... do you forgive me ?"

Her wide eyes soften, filling with sadness, and she comes close, laying a kiss on my forehead that soothes the pain in my heart.

"I've never hated you, Clarke. We'll talk about this when both you and Lexa are out of here, alright ? Now is not the time."

I nod, left again without words, and she leaves the room. I have more hope now. Hope for my mother to forgive me. Hope for Lexa to let me in.

* * *

Lexa

I was brought to my room two hours ago, after a long time in recovery room. I'm starting to see things around me more clearly. I feel the amount of painkillers flooding through my veins. I must have a pretty scar on my side, but I don't have the strength to move and look.

My daughter is still in recovery room, they want to watch her for a longer while. I hope it worked. I hope she's going to be okay. What hurts me is that I can only wait for her to return to our room.

The door opens harshly and someone storms into the room.

"Here you are, playing victim at the hospital."

"Anya ?" I call, unsure, but the well-shaped silhouette and the mockery is hers only.

"Yeah, it's me. Indra told me you took some girl at the hospital and didn't return since then. I didn't find you at Polis Hospital, Indra wasn't sure where you've been, but that other waitress knew."

"The other waitress ?"

"Yeah, she looked suspicious, she was hiding something. I got the information out of her."

Anna ? Did Anya beat Anna to get my location ? How would Anna know ? She may have heard us... but she wasn't with Clarke and I when Clarke asked me to take her here.

"Don't think too much, you're gonna hurt yourself," Anya says.

She's always been cynical, but she's the best coach I could've had. Our kick boxing team went far thanks to her. When I got into the team I was this angry girl, a dangerous fighter for others, and Anya taught me how to control this. But lately, I let anger and fear take control, and Matt suffered from it.

"You said Anna told you I was here but... how did she know ?" I ask. This situation is too odd for me to leave any clue aside. I may be confused because of the painkillers but I can still think.

"You know it yourself, I know when someone is hiding something. That waitress knew you, that's why she was working at the tavern. She said you were needed here, so she had to make you go."

Anya is standing still, as always, her chin slightly up, her long light hair falling in her back. It's not braided, I guess she came here as fast as possible, without considering her looks. She is also wearing simple grey pants and a white tank shirt. Deep down, she worries about me. I always knew she cared. She shows it with her fists, but this tough love helped me get back on my feet to work hard at university. Being a good student... instead of being a good person.

"I never told you what happened..." I whisper, thinking of all the secrets I've hidden from Anya, Indra, Gustus, Matt... all these people who helped me.

"You'll do it later. How about you tell me why you're in a hospital bed instead ?"

That's the whole point. I'm here because of my secrets.

"Well..." I try to find the right words to explain, but the room's door bursts open and two nurses drive a bed in.

My breath is cut off by the picture of the little girl awake in the bed. She looks like she could use another nap, but maybe I could meet her before she falls asleep. Once the bed is set at its usual spot, I try to get off of my own, but one of the nurse yells at me straight away. I see my daughter's eyes widen in fear.

"Stop yelling !" I whisper harshly, "you're scaring her !"

"You cannot stand up now, it's too soon," she tells me.

Anya intervenes. "I'll hold her up." She grabs me and helps me up, throwing me an interrogating glare. I think she uses me as an excuse to approach the girl. She isn't dreaming. That girl really looks like me.

The nurses leave and Anya helps me sit on my daughter's bed. I want to make sure she isn't scared before I tell Anya who she is to me.

"Hey," I say gently, taking her small hand in mine, caressing its back with my thumb.

She looks at me with confusion. She may think she's dreaming, seeing an adult feeling very similar to her.

"Hi," her low high pitched voice answers, and my heart warms up abruptly, my eyes sting. "Who are you ?" she asked me.

I want to tell her the truth, but would it be right ? I don't know if she names someone else Mom, I have no idea of her past.

"I'm someone who cares about you," I tell her, unable to keep a wide smile in.

"She's your kid," Anya says beside me.

I had almost forgotten about her. I look at you to silence her, it's not the right time nor place to talk about it, but she's looking at the child, and when I look back at my daughter she is staring at me with some confused hope.

"You're my mom ?" she asked me, and I swallow hard to keep my tears in.

I have to be strong for her. "Don't you already have a mom ?" I ask back.

She looks down, her hands playing with the big blanket covering her small body.

"She said she's not my real mom, I heard her, she said it to people, I heard her five times, I counted."

I smile, but my smile hurts because I feel my child's pain. I think that's _her_ who kept her and tried to raise her, but she's as bad of a mother as she is of a girlfriend, and now there's a little girl who doesn't know where she is from. I lean and lay a kiss on her forehead. I don't want to pull away, but I don't want to scare her, so I lift up and tell her "My name is Lexa. I'm your mother."

"I know," she says. She's still staring at me, not paying attention of Anya. She doesn't really know, but she knows. Exactly like I did when I saw her for the first time in this hospital room. "My name is Tris," she adds, and there are something else she wants to say, but she seemed scared.

I gently squeeze her hand to encourage her, and looking up at me, she asks "You will go like they did ?"

My heart tightens at her fear. They... it's them. _Her_ and him, I guess. Her biological father. Who else ? I should've seen it coming... their abduction. She wanted a child, she didn't even have to bother getting pregnant. I'm pretty sure she lied about her issues. She probably can have children but she had another woman to give her one, why struggle with a pregnancy ?

Well, she didn't think of the most important fact - this little girl is mine and I'm the only one who can really protect her. This awful genetic disease is only a proof of it. But my heart is also telling me that it's more capable of taking care of Tris, and that's what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna fight for her. I won't let them take her away from me again.

"No, Tris, I won't leave," I reassure her, "I'm staying with you."

She still looks worried, but mostly tired. She needs to rest. Even I might use a nap. But her hand holds onto mine and I know she will fear loneliness if I get back to my bed, so I throw a look at Anya for her to help me settle into bed with Tris. She helps me move Tris a bit so I can lay down beside her and Tris doesn't complain. She even lays her head on my shoulder.

I think my presence comforts her. And I know her presence comforts me too. She closes her eyes and I'm about to do the same, but Anya is still here. I look at her, throwing her an apology.

"I'll tell you everything later," I whisper, and she nods.

"I'll come back to visit in a few days," she says and is ready to leave the room, but instead she adds "the team needs you, Lexa. I know Matt will let you back in when you explain everything to him."

She leaves without waiting for an answer from me. She gives me time to think. I want to go back into the team, but I know I will never go back to live at Matt's frathouse. I can't see a future without my daughter. I was given a second chance, finding her here, and I'll do everything in my power to help her get better and keep her with me.

* * *

Clarke

I've waited an hour as I was told and I'm now walking toward Lexa's room. I'm slow because of my crutches, I wish I could fly, it would've been way easier for me. I take time to get to Lexa's room, and when I do, I see two women arguing on the doorstep. One is standing with assurance, her back facing the door, though her clothes make her look like she just got out of bed. Grey pants and a white tank shirt. In front of her a woman is yelling at her. Same age, I think. They both look young. Thirty or below.

"What's going on here ?" I ask them, stopping on the two's side.

"Who are you ?" the yelling one asks me.

Her chestnut hair almost matches her eye color. Her high cheek bones almost make her look threatening.

"I'm Clarke Griffin, the doctor's daughter, and a friend of Lexa's. Who are _you_ ?"

The other woman, pajama girl, looks at me from head to toes.

"I'm Tris' mother, I have a right to see my daughter !"

My heart jumps. Adrenaline. It's her, isn't it ? The woman who hurt Lexa. She looks like she could be nice, warm, but she's currently acting like a bitch, and knowing Lexa's story, I know she is one.

"You're Lexa's ex, right ?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

She doesn't answer. She looks right through me and she understands that I know the answer.

"You took her child," I add, "you took everything from her."

The other woman with the tank top looks at me with caution. Do I know her ?

"Lexa didn't prevent her baby's disease, I'm not the one at fault here," the so-called mother says.

It makes me so angry that I step forward, holding onto my crutches. "Because of people like you, people die."

"I saved my daughter ! I made Lexa come here !" she points out at me, her chin up, which makes me want to punch her badly.

But she said it. She admitted of getting Lexa to come here for her daughter. It wasn't luck which brought Lexa here. It was her. The one who hurt Lexa is in front of me today.

"You make her come to save the kid and now you're gonna take the child away from Lexa again ?!"

"Lexa is not a mother, now move."

Her tone is harsh, but not enough to scare me. I won't let her hurt Lexa again. I don't move, and she doesn't like it. I can see her patience leaving her stare and her feet abruptly hits my injured ankle. I let a scream out, falling harshly onto the floor. I look up in pain, waiting for another kick, but the woman is lying on the floor, the other woman with the tank top holding her against the floor.

It happens fast. Nurses come. One yells for her colleague to page my mother. The latter comes, right at me, while security takes the violent girl away. I wish I had been able to fight back. I would've loved punching her in the face.

My mother helps me sit on a rolling chair so she can take a closer look at my ankle. The wound reopened slightly but it's nothing serious. She patches me up and I want to stand up already, which she is strictly against.

"Mom, I need to see Lexa !"

"The officers will bring the woman in to confront her and Lexa. You have to wait."

"What ? No way ! I wanna be there ! That woman abducted her child, and I don't know how but she made Lexa come here ! She wanted Lexa here to trick her again !"

She sighs and I already know what she's gonna say.

"Clarke... I know you like that girl but-"

"She's the only one who understands !" I shout in despair, and get my mother's attention. "She went through what I went through, being fooled by another woman, but it didn't end up in death... she had a child Mom, Lexa had a baby who was taken from her ! It's not like Dad, Mom... Dad is dead, we can't bring him back, and I regret it everyday, but Lexa... she can still be reunited with her daughter..." After stinging since the begininng of my monologue, my eyes let tears drop. "Lexa needs help and I need to help her... I need her, Mom..."

My mother bend the knee to be at my height. She wipes my tears with both of her hands and whispers "I know."

What does she know ? That I regret what happened to Dad ? I regret having being such an idiot ? That I need to help Lexa ? That I need her... all of it, I guess.

"Can we be happy again ?" I ask her. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could keep them as a silent wish.

"I want you to be happy, Clarke," she answers, taking my chin with two fingers and lifting it up. "That's why I was so mad at you for quitting school. I know you always wanted to do great things."

I look in her eyes and see she's telling the truth. "I'm trying to do good..."

She caresses my cheek with her hand and stands up, kissing my forehead in the process. She sees something behind me and I turn my head. Two officers are coming into Lexa's room, holding the woman. She isn't handcuffed, I guess it's not of use with two officers present, but I feel sick at knowing Lexa will be seeing her again without having spent much time with her child.

My mother makes me wait a few more minutes outside before she lets me stand up again. I'm going in. I hope Lexa's heart hasn't been robbed of all the hope finding her daughter brought her.

Back with my crutches, I come into the room. My mother left, she was paged. Inside, I see Lexa sitting on her daughter's bed, her eyes fixed on her exgirlfriend, one officer beside each one of them.

The officers see me but the two women are two focussed on throwing death glares at each other.

"I'm going to ask for Tris' custody whether you like it or not," Lexa says harshly.

Her jaws are clenched. I feel she is in pain, seeing this woman again, in these circumstances. I look at her daughter, whose name I've just learnt is Tris. This name suits her, somehow. She is trying to sleep, but her eyelids are sligtly open as if she wanted to wake up and see what is disturbing her sleep, but is too exhausted to do so.

"I have Tris' father to help me raise her, you can't win. You're still a student, no serious job, no place to live with a kid, and you're alone."

"She's not alone !" I yell, getting everyone's attention on me, even Tris' whom was woken up by my shouting.

Lexa's eyes pierce through mine and I wonder if she's mad at me for intruding or if she feels relieved someone is here to back her up.

"This will have to continue later with your lawyers," one of the officers says, and they leave, forcing the other woman to follow them, leaving me alone with Lexa and her daughter.

They felt the tension in the air and they were right to get the bitch out because I would've taken my revenge even with crutches.

Lexa is still staring at me and I ask her quietly if I can sit beside her. My arms are starting to hurt from having been holding me up on the crutches. She nods and I settle, being cautious of the little girl's body laying under the big blanket.

"How is she ?" I ask, hoping the surgery went well for her.

"The doctors are optimistic. Seems like there is no better treatment for a little girl than her mother."

She laughs nervously. I hope she won't lose her mind because of the crazy situation going on. I feel she wants to cry.

"I'd cry if I were you. I'd let the stress fly away."

She smiles, a sad smile I want to erase. "I have to be strong for her. I don't want the police to take her away from me."

I understand her worry. She found her daughter but it's not said she's gonna be able to keep her.

"You know, I meant it when I said you're not alone. You have friends who can help you. I can help you to. We can find a way for your daughter to stay with you."

"Why would you want to help me ?" she asks straight away.

I know we were fighting not so long ago, but there was a reason for that, and I want her to understand that we don't have to keep fighting. If we can't stay apart without running into each other and be mad for whatever reason, then we can help each other.

"I've been willing to help you for a while, you got away."

"You didn't let me help you either !" she says, sadness flying from her lips.

She's not sad because of me, is she ? She was almost one door in front of mine, at the tavern, and I didn't know it was her. Everything I heard from my neighbour... _I loved you dangerously_... I frown. It was her door, isn't it ? The music came from her room. _More than the air that I breathe_. It so obvious, I should've guessed.

"I loved you dangerously..." I whisper.

Lexa's eyes widen in surprise, then comes shame. But she doesn't have to be ashamed. I'm one to understand.

"We made mistakes, Lexa, but I wish we could stop pushing each other apart. I know I need you and it's too late to go back."

I want to look away in case she pushes me away again. Seeing the embarassment in her eyes would hurt me like hell. I made a big step, and I hope she won't kick me out.

"I wish that too," she declares, and my heart screams in joy with a few loud beats.

I smile, relieved. A nurse comes into the room to check on Tris.

"I should go. I leave you my number, call me if you need anything," I say.

I know the nurses will drag me back to my room if I don't go myself. And I suppose Lexa needs time alone with her daughter. I'm still going to check on them later in the night, if I manage to slip out of my room without being busted by the evil nurse constantly yelling at patients.

I leave my number as planned, written down on a small paper on the nightstand, and walk to the door, still very slow.

I open the door, and before leaving, I hear Lexa's voice one more time.

"The song wasn't about her."

I want to stay and ask, though I think I already know what she meants. Could I stay with her ? No, I can't. I know I can't stay in her room, I'm not allowed, and I would only cause trouble to the nurses who come to take care of the mother and daughter.

I go back to my room, and I can't get rid of the feeling of weightlessness, even though I should feel very heavy on the crutches. I may not have to deny anymore. I can at least admit it to myself now - I like Lexa Woods a bit too much.

I love her dangerously.


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke

It's been a month since Lexa found her daughter at the hospital. I've been out and back to work for three weeks but Lexa is still there with Tris. I haven't seen her since I left the hospital, but we've exchanged a few texts. Tris is apparently getting better. She can continue her treatment home, but the thing is - whose home ?

Lexa hired a lawyer and she asked for Tris' custody. I hope she'll win. She didn't say anything else in her texts, and I haven't said much either. I told my mother I needed time to figure everything out and we've planned to have dinner next month. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about Lexa. I think she knows Lexa is a good person, but she is in trouble too, meaning we both need to fix our lives. At the hospital, she insinuated things. _The song wasn't about her_. I want to believe she has feelings for me, but I'm done with false hope. I couldn't bear it if she didn't share the feelings growing into my heart.

I haven't felt it in a very long time and I'm scared to fall for the wrong person again.

"Because I really loved her, back then, you know ? The way she looked at me and touched me... it felt real, like she loved me too."

Looking at the grave, I know I'm alone and speaking in the wind. But I need to do it. I don't feel like talking to anyone else right now, so I came here. I laid flowers on the cold stone and read the name engraved on it over and over until it broke my heart for the billionth time.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm really sorry."

I wish he could hear me but it isn't in my beliefs and I regret my pragmatism. I took the train early this morning to come here. I haven't visited his grave in a while. I've been here for an hour and a half, telling him everything. By doing it I remember him, his face, his warmth, his voice, the eye color he gave me. I want to remember forever, and the best thing to do is to refresh my memory by coming here as much as possible. But the truth is I haven't visited him much. It hurt too much. Guilt choke me before I could even step into the cemetery.

"I have tried not to get tricked again, you know ? But I'm falling for a woman and the most time we spend together, the most difficult it gets. I'm sure now. I'm sure I'm in love with her, though I haven't really told anyone yet. I want to tell her, but she's concerned about her daughter and I don't even know how she feels, what she wants, I, just..." I sigh.

Uncertainty hurts, but maybe less than rejection. Or not ? I don't know.

I clean the grave and leave. I have to go back home. My room at the tavern reminds me of Lexa, makes me feel like I'm close to her. I work tonight, and when I come back at midnight I hope Lexa will be home. She's supposed to come home today or tomorrow. That's maybe one of the reasons why I've visited my father this morning. I needed to clear my head before seeing her again.

* * *

Jaha has been tolerant toward my trip to Alpha Hospital last month, but he wouldn't have let me work at the opening of the gallery without Dante Wallace, the number one painter in town. He gave us some amazing landscape paintings of his own and they have been contemplated by a dozen kids already.

I explain and teach art to the children visiting the gallery. They come from the nearest hospitals. I hope Tris will be able to see the gallery too, because there is something very special in here about her and her mother. When I told the story to Dante, he convinced Jaha to let me put up my work. One painting. And I see it everyday since then. My workplace grew into my heart thanks to this painting.

I walk back to the tavern with hope. I sense she's gonna be there. Hope makes me walk fast. I storm through the tavern, almost bumping into the new waitress. Anna was obviously fired as we discovered she was connected to Lexa's exgirlfriend. Up the stairs, I stop to look at Lexa's door. I don't see nor hear any sign of her.

Hope flies away and I go inside my room, straight into bed.

* * *

I dreamt that I couldn't sleep, and this dream disappeared when I was woken up by knocks at my door. I jump off of my bed, thinking of Lexa, and open the door, hopeful. Not Lexa. No one in front of my head, but when I look down, I see her.

"Tris ?"

What the hell is Lexa's daughter doing on my doorstep without her mother ? Did Lexa bring her here ? Was she allowed to ?

Tris looks worried and she has tears in her eyes.

"You are Clok ?"

I would've smiled at the way she said my name if she didn't seem to be in such distress.

"I am. Tris what's going on ?"

She doesn't answer, her lips are trembling. She grabs my hand and pulls me toward Lexa's room. Worry grew in me as I think of all the terrible things that could've happened to Lexa.

"Lexa ?" I call once inside the room.

Tris guides me into the bathroom and there she is, on the floor, sitting against the wall. She's awake but I read pain on her face. She's only wearing a towel. A part of it is soaked in blood.

"Lexa !" I grab another towel and lay it on her lower belly down to her knees. I lift the bloody towel up so I can see the wound.

"It's nothing," Lexa says and grits her teeth.

"What happened to you ?"

I hold part of the towel against the wound to stop the bleeding. Her surgery wound. It's been a month, it should've healed enough by now.

"I didn't want to leave Tris alone for too long, I took a shower as fast as possible and I slipped."

She throws a glance at her terrified daughter watching us from the bathroom's door. I see shame in Lexa's eyes and I lay my free hand on her cheek for her to look at me.

"Hey, it's not your fault. You were trying to do good. Tris is gonna be fine, and you too."

Lexa looks down. I saw tears beginning to appear and my heart guides me into leaning and briefly hugging Lexa. I feel Lexa's chest shaking and I hear her discrete cries. What hurts me the most is that she doesn't want to fully let go because she doesn't want her daughter to see her cry. She's still trying to be the strong one.

"They won't let me keep Tris when they see how shitty of a mother I am," she whispers and I want to yell at her, tell her how wrong she is, but Tris is still watching. "I can't lose her again."

A few months ago I was the one breaking. I was at the point where hope was far away from me, and now I'm trying to reach hope again. Because of Lexa. She made me start caring again, slowly, but now she's the one who's down. She was hopeless before, and now she's terrified of losing her missing piece.

I dry her tears with my hand for Tris not to see them and lift up.

"We help each other, now, remember ? I'm here for you," I reassure her.

She smiles. Slightly, but still a smile. I look around for medical supplies which the hospital should have given her and, when I see a big white bag near the desk, I stand up and go fetch it.

"She is gonna be okay ?" Tris asks me.

I stop on my track and lay the bag on the floor. I sit down on the floor and ask for Tris to do the same.

"Lexa is okay. Her little wound reopened but I will fix it, alright ?"

She pouts and looks down. One of her curly strand of hair is falling on her face and if my hands weren't bloody I'd push it back.

"Is your wound okay ?" I ask her, hoping to distract her a little bit.

She grabs the bottom of her shirt and lift it up so I can see the perfect bandage on the side of her belly. It's large, they didn't take much risk for the kid.

"The doctor says I'm lucky," Tris tells me.

"Really ? What else do they say ?"

"Everyone says I look like Mommy, I tell them it's why she's my mommy."

There is so much warmth coming from this girl I want to hug her tight, but Lexa is still injured in the bathroom.

"I'm gonna help your mom, why don't you go lie down in bed ? Mommy will join you soon, alright ?"

She nods. I think she believes me. She climbs onto the bed and I go back to Lexa. The latter doesn't speak. She must have watched us. Once I'm done patching her up, I meet her eyes, and see the recognition in it.

I help her to her bed where Tris has fallen asleep. When Lexa lays down beside her daughter, the latter shifts closer ot her.

When I met Lexa I thought she the most careless person I had ever met. I was wrong. She's the opposite, the most loving person I have ever met, and she's struggling. No matter how harshly I'm currently dealing with my issues, I'm gonna help her. I'm gonna do my best for her and her daughter.

* * *

Lexa

I don't sleep much. It's almost 7am and I want to show Tris around. She's still a bit sick but the doctor told me going out in the fresh air would help her. In one week, the detective in charge of the case and someone from childhood care will come to see if they can let me take care of Tris until the judge decides who gets the custody at the end of the month.

If I stay here, in this one room above this tavern, they will take her away from me forever. I have to find another place to live in with Tris.

Tris is deeply asleep, her hands holding my arm. At the hospital, she was always scared of waking up alone. After she was abandoned by her so-called parents, I understand that she's afraid of being left alone. I wouldn't believe it if the judge decide to let them take Tris back. They weren't good parents. They had their chance at parenting.

I try to wake Tris up but she shifts closer to me. I want to talk to Clarke before going to campus. I'm gonna have to find a way to get back into class and get my degree this year. I can't let my studies be delayed if I want to be a mother.

I take Tris into my arms and stand up. My would still hurts because I didn't let it heal properly. Even at the hospital I would always stand up and go fetch what Tris needed. I slept by her side and sometimes she would hold on tight to me in her sleep. I can't lose her again.

I walk to Clarke's door and knock. Tris buries her head in my neck. She's not as heavy as I first tought she would be as a four-year-old girl, but she's been sick for months, so it's not surprising. I knock again, and I hear long footsteps before the door opens.

Clarke's tired eyes widen in surprise. She looks at Tris. "Is she okay ?" she asks, worried.

"She's fine, she needs time to wake up. Can we talk ?"

She nods. She looks sleepy and at the sight of her bed and of the desk lamp lit on I know I've woken her up.

"I'm sorry it's not exactly the right now."

She sits on the bed and tap beside her for me to sit.

"It's the first time you actually apologize for intruding."

She smiles and I look away, hugging my sleeping daughter. I'm here to have a serious conversation, I can't let Clarke's smile make me forget what I have to say.

"Two weeks ago, Tris told me she didn't want to go with Echo again. Echo is her way of saying Costia. She also gave a nickname to Costia's best friend whom I only knew the name of. Costia never invited her home back when we were together. So I couldn't have known that Anna was actually-"

"Niylah," she says, and I'm surprised she knows this name. "She told me Anna was just a nickname, the night she came into my room."

Yeah, to take a shower with you, I remember. I want to point it out, make her remember how wrong it was, but it wouldn't be fair. I was being jealous. I'm still jealous. I can't see someone else approach Clarke but I can't see myself bringing my new responsibility to her.

"They kept watching me these past few years," I explain, "Costia admitted it. It's not very hard finding me, I'm one of the best students and players of the state university."

I swallow hard at those last few words, because they remind me that, if I was easily found, I could've found them too. It wouldn't have been easy, but I didn't even try. I gave up on my baby. I'm as angry at myself than I am at Costia.

"Tris likes her father though. He came along with Costia for another confrontation in presence of the same officers that you saw. He's him - her biological father. I didn't have a chance to speak with him. Costia is manipulating him too, I guess."

I always thought I was angry at this guy, but seeing him in the hospital room, standing still beside Costia, I felt like he wasn't against me. He looked at Tris for a long while and I think he loves her too. The fact that Tris did want to go with him meant he's not that bad, but she wouldn't go if Costia was to be there, and she wouldn't let me go.

"I think Costia is the only issue. And the silly thing is that her whole plan to make me come to the hospital wasn't really a plan. It was just a desperate move..."

Clarke doesn't answer just yet. Tris moves slightly in my arms but doesn't wake up. I let silence fill the room. I don't feel heavy. I wanted to talk to Clarke so bad that I don't know what to do now I did it. And I only talked about Tris... because I can talk about the other thing obviously.

"I'm glad you came," she says.

I look up at her with hope. She's not mad at me anymore and I can't be mad at her. I want to see something for us, but how can I ? I'm a student with a child and she just found a job she cares about. I don't want to ruin that for her.

"I'm glad you let me take you to the hospital," I answer and she laughs.

She laughs ?

"You would've carried me there anyway," she points out, "I didn't really have a choice, did I ?"

Tris' head moves against my neck. She's finally waking up.

"I don't know, you're pretty good at pushing me away," I reply.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Clarke looks down, her smile is gone. I said the wrong thing. I open my mouth to apologize, but Tris lifts up and look at me, then at Clarke.

"Clok ?" she calls.

"It's Clarke," I correct her with a laugh.

"It's what you say, Clok, Cloorrrkkk," she insists.

She looks at me and lays both of her hands on my cheeks, poking them with her index fingers. Her blonde curls are messy and I can't keep myself from pushing them back. I hear a laugh and remember Clarke is watching us.

"I think she's well awake," she laughs.

She laughs, but she didn't seem quite happy a few seconds ago.

"Are you okay ?" I ask her.

We've been talking about me, but it's not what I really wanted to talk about. I didn't get to ask about her issues this past month. Not that I don't care, I was just busy with Tris and everything that happens after a transplant.

Clarke nods. Slightly, slowly, but she nods. And I see her thinking, deeply, losing herself into her thoughts. She hesitates, and I look away a second to check on Tris who rested her head on my shoulder.

"I visited my father's grave," she admits.

I look up in concern, but she doesn't seem torn like I used to see her.

"It actually helps," she adds and I encourage her to pursue. "I spoke to his grave and it helped me remember him. All this time I was afraid of forgetting about him... while I couldn't forget about her."

I understand what she means. I was haunted by Costia's face for years, but what hurt me the most were the memories of the birth. What was supposed to be remembered as a painful but blissful dream was kept in my mind as a nightmare. Seeing Tris' face now makes me remember her little baby face. It makes me feel guilty and I need even more to take care of her.

"I think I will keep visiting him once in a while," she says.

I don't know what to answer. I don't want to speak useless words, so I nod and stay quiet. I enjoy having Tris in my arms, and Clarke beside me. We're not touching but her presence still is comforting. I wish I could stay like this forever, but I have many things to do today.

"I'm gonna go. I have to get dressed and Tris needs to take her medicine, and she needs breakfast, too, so... I'm glad we talked."

I stand up, Tris' arms holding me tight. I need to hurry because I know I haven't said everything I wanted to say to Clarke, but I don't want to mess things up. We've been talking without fighting and that's the best we could get so far.

"Lexa, wait !" I stop, she stood up while I was overthinking things. "Do you want me to keep an eye on Tris while you get dressed ? I can take a look at her bandage, see if it needs changing..."

I nod without considering it. I've been against leaving Tris alone with someone else and yet I lay her on Clarke's bed, tell her I'll be right back and leave the room. I just know I can trust Clarke. I also know I need her.

* * *

Clarke

"Mommy !"

Tris doesn't feel safe without Lexa, but I hope to win her trust. She's Lexa's daughter, and I want to stay around the mother, I need to get along with the daughter. Does thinking that makes me a terrible person ? I see Lexa in this little girl and it makes me want to protect her.

"It's okay, she'll be right back," I comfort her.

She looks at me and smile, but it's only a little smile. I think she's trying to convince herself everything is fine but she's still worried.

"Hey, Tris, would you let me check your wound ?"

Eyes stuck on the door in hope to see her mother come back, Tris slowly nods. I show her my pillow so she knows she has to lay down, and once she is laying on her back, I lift her shirt a little bit and see the wide bandage covering her left side. I warn before I take it off. What I see surprises me.

No stitches. Just a fresh scar. "Your stitches fell at the hospital ?"

"Abby told me I heal faster than Mommy !" she says proudly.

She's smiling again, but joyfully this time. I smile too at the way she said it. Abby. I see my mother did get along with this kid too. Who wouldn't ? Tris is smart and her eyes are full of different emotions ! Like her mother. There is so much of Lexa in Tris I might just adopt that kid now !

"Does it hurt somewhere ?" I ask her while putting a brand new bandage on the fresh scar which still need some protection.

I must not get too attached to this kid.

"Only when I have to pee and when I do it," she explains.

Her kidneys will struggle for a while, but hopefully she'll be okay. The transplant from Lexa will do its work. I hope so.

"How about we take a picture and I send it to Abby ?" I offer.

I want to think about anything else but kidney failure. Her smile widens and I grab my phone. She looks at the screen, and when she notices the contact name I've given to Abby, she exclaims "You call Abby Mom !"

"Yes, she is my mom."

We had already told her back at the hospital, but I guess she didn't see things this way. Anyway, I love the smile on her face and the brightness in her eyes. I wish Lexa had them too.

I take a picture of us smiling and send it to my mother. I should invite her to the gallery. She is chief of pediatrics at Alpha Hospital after all. I look at Tris who yells at Lexa when the latter opens the door. This kid is braver than me.

That's why I'm going to help her and her mother. As much as I can.

* * *

Lexa

I settle Tris on a chair in the restaurant room and quickly go fetch us breakfast. Indra comes to meet Tris and she's as dumbfounded as everyone else when she sees her.

"Well, she really is your daughter," she says.

I smile and invite her to sit down. The restaurant is going to be open soon for breakfast. The tavern is still quiet.

Indra go fetch some coffee and pour two cups. She hands me one, and I thank her, but by doing so I pour all of the reasons I have to thank her. She helped me so much I could never repay the favor.

"Did you deal with Clarke ?" she asks me.

Tris quietly eats her pancake and I guess she's afraid of Indra. The latter is an impressive woman, even I used to be scared of her... somehow I still am. Actually, I'm too scared of doing the wrong thing and losing her that I keep listening to her. Indra is wise, strong, and she is a great mother. I could learn a lot from her.

"I did talk with her," I reply.

I take a sip of my coffee. Shit. Indra knows. She already knows ! How can she know things so fast !

"Alright, alright," I sigh, "I haven't told her about how I feel, not directly. But she knows, deep down."

"Yeah, and deep down you're still single."

She has a point. I haven't really made any move toward Clarke, but I'm still unsure it would be the right thing to do.

"I'm trying to be a good person for Tris, who I failed to be for Clarke."

I always ran away from Clarke at some point, and I came back, begging for her to let me back into her life. Clarke and I keep running away from each other, but we always end up colliding again. Is that a sign ? A good one ?

"From what I saw you were bad to everyone else but to Clarke," Indra states. "Think about that while you go find a sitter for your girl."

Tris is staring at Indra and I'm wondering if they're not having a staring contest. I watch one and the other for a moment before I cut their little game.

"I'm gonna find a school for Tris and get back to mine. Hopefully I'll be able to work again in a few days."

Indra breaks eye contact with my daughter and smile at me. This little mischievous warm smile I never really understood.

"Don't worry about working for me. Get your things in order first. You know you will always be welcome here."

She smiles at Tris, which make her smile too, and walks away. I think Tris and Indra have started their relationship the same way Indra and I did. Proud and fierce.

"She's definitely your girl !" I hear Indra yelling from the bar.

I push Tris' curls back and kiss her forehead. She is my baby girl. One of the two girls I cannot stop thinking about.

* * *

I'm on my way home. I've been carrying Tris for a few minutes, she's exhausted, I know I shouldn't have been out for so long today but I needed to go check things out at my school and find one for Tris. I did both. A small school is ready to take Tris in and go easy on her. Tris is not five yet, but I can't afford a sitter for now, I told the director about my situation, so she's gonna be admitted in kindergarten earlier.

Tris looks fine with it, she saw the playground and said she wanted to go play, but I truly hope she won't feel abandoned there. Leaving her for a whole day will be hard enough for me, let's not make it awful for her.

There's still the accomodation issue.

"Look, it's Clok !" Tris yells.

I hadn't noticed she had woken up. I look up and see Clarke at the tavern's door, talking to some man. A young man who leans in to kiss her. I can't watch this. I walk without looking, my eyes nearly closed, and walk up to my room as fast as possible.

I cautiously lay Tris on the bed. She feels I'm upset because she tries to reach for my cheek. I turn my back on her. My heart is beating fast. Clarke and I aren't together. I repeat it in my head over and over, but it doesn't hurt less.

I see flashes of the empty apartment I thought was my home. A long time ago. When all the hope that I had disappeared instanteneously.

"Lexa ! Please open the door !"

It's her. She wants me to open the door, and because I'm weak, because I still hope, I listen to her.

"Lexa..."

She sees the tears in my eyes and I feel weaker than I have ever been because these tears are about her. For her.

"I'm tired, Clarke. I'd like to rest." My voice trembles.

"Come on, I know you saw me with Will downstairs, and I need you to know there's nothing between us. Actually... I accepted to go on one date with him for you."

What ? My lips are slightly parted, fresh air caressing my front teeth. How can you go on a date with someone _for_ someone else ?!

"If it's a joke-"

"It's not. There are three apartements above the gallery that are ready to take in three families. Will is alone, that's why, when I told my boss about your situation, he asked Will if he could wait a while before moving in. Will ended up saying yes and a little while later he asked me on a date. I couldn't refuse after he accepted to let you move in..."

She spoke too fast. My brain hurts, but not as much as my heart. Actually my heart is confused. So is my brain.

"You... you're not dating him," I whisper.

"I'm not dating anyone !" she exclaims with a smile.

"You... went on a date for me..." I lag. My brain is bugging. I almost hear a bz-bz inside my head. Frustration comes out of that lag. "Wait... he asks you on a date once and you accept ? After rejecting me for weeks !" I don't say that out of anger, I'm just a bit upset about it.

"I did reject him to come talk to you, but I guess jealousy is a good sign."

She is smiling. Smirking. She's mocking me ! She thinks I'm jealous, but I'm too busy taking care of my daughter to be jealous for some other girl !

I sigh. Who am I trying to convince ? Using my daughter as an excuse... while Clarke has put her pain aside to mock me. Yes, I think it's a good sign too. Her smile. The fact that she's here, in front of me, smiling.

I lean forward, her scent surrounding me, but I'm strong, I hold on, I don't just fall into her arms in front of my daughter. And when I'm close enough and she's looking down at my lips, I whisper "I'd kiss you but last time I tried you rejected me."

I lift up, quickly see the red on her face, feel her heavy warm breath never leaving my dreams, and close the door, separating us. Tris has fallen asleep, and I go back to my exhausted kid with a smile on the corner of my lips.

Clarke is falling as hard as I am, and I love it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hiya, sorry I'm a day late. My life is a bit messy right now. I hope you like this chapter though !**

 **Also, if you have Twitter, you can follow me Silver_ael. It's an account I've had for a while but haven't used much. But I'm gonna try to use it a bit more, and I woudn't be against following you Clexa shippers haha.**

 **Anyway, have a nice read !**

* * *

Lexa

I wake up to a text from Clarke telling me to come by the gallery in the early evening. I guess she wants me to see her work place. She seems enthusiastic about it. It's a good thing. She can start over with this job. She deserves some happiness after what she's been through.

Tris is still heavily asleep. I have one more hour before I need to go. I'll let Tris sleep half an hour. I'm going to fetch her breakfast from the kitchen. I open the door to a quiet corridor. It's too early for most of the people living here. It's a tavern after all...

I close my door quietly. I don't want to wake Tris up, especially if I'm leaving the room. I get into the staircase, but stop when I realize there's some noise coming from Clarke's room. I stand behind her door and listen until I'm sure my mind isn't making it up. Clarke is crying. At dawn.

Is it because of me ? Because of the tiny _boutade_ I threw on her ? It was barely flirting... Clarke wouldn't cry because of it. Why am even thinking of it ? She's been through worse.

I knock on the door. "Clarke ?" Everything goes silent. "Clarke, open the door. Let me in." So much sense in that one last sentence. We said we'd help each other, right ?

The door opens and Clarke's lowered head tells me she's trying to hide her tears. I come in, closing the door behind me while Clarke sits on the floor, against her bed.

I sit beside her, wait for her to speak. I won't force her into telling me what's going on, but I hope she will. Otherwise she wouldn't have opened the door, right ?

When she hands me her phone, I understand. Messages. From an unknown user, but I'm sure Clarke knows whoever this is. I think I know too.

"Is it her ?" I ask.

Clarke nods her head no.

"It couldn't be her. She died in the fire." She pauses. She's still looking down, as if she was scared of my judgement if she let me see her tears. "It's her sister," she explains once ready. "Two years older. They weren't getting along back then, but the big sis' didn't want her sister to die. Every year, on the same day, she finds a way to send me those messages. I know I should just ignore it but... I can't."

Her voice is unsteady. Looking at the messages, anger pours into my heart. "How can she still contact you ?" I ask bitterly.

"She's on campus," Clarke whispers.

"What's her name ?"

She doesn't answer. She knows why I'm asking.

"Do your friends know her ?" I ask instead.

No. They don't. That's why Clarke is alone crying in her room. And I thought she was doing better...

"Let me help," I almost beg.

And finally, she lifts her head up.

"How, Lexa ? I give you her name and you go beat her up ? I can't let you do that. You have a child to take care of, and for that you must stay out of trouble."

She almost spat these words at me. Everytime she's hurt, she gets angry. Especially at me.

"You can't let her harass you, Clarke."

"It's just once a year, I shouldn't even bother anymore !"

"But you do. Clarke-"

I'm cut off by cries coming from the corridor.

"Mommy !' I hear and jump on my feet.

In a second I'm in the hallway and I pull my daughter in my arms.

"It's okay, Tris, I'm here. I was just talking to Clarke. I'm not leaving you, alright ?"

She is shaking and I feel guilty. Being left alone is her worst nightmare after what happened at the hospital, and I brought her back into this nightmare. Caressing her back with one hand, I turn toward Clarke who's been watching the scene. Her eyes are glowing, I wish it was a glow of happiness.

"Don't let her get to you," I tell her. "See you tonight."

It's a way of telling her I'm coming to the gallery this evening. She nods and I go back to my room to take care of Tris.

I intend to sit her on the bed but see the spot where she was laying is darkened. Wet. I put her down on the ground and realize my forearm is wet. So are Tris' pants.

"Sorry," she whispers, new tears rolling down her cheek.

I kneel down in front of her. I hate seeing people I love cry, and this morning have been full of tears.

"Are you hurt ?" I ask her.

She looks away, her little hands sliding against each other. She is, but she doesn't want to admit it. The doctor told me the healing process would be filled with ups and downs. I promised I'd give Tris as much attention as I could.

"Alright," I stand up and gently take her hand, "we're going to shower you and I'll give you your medicine, okay ?"

I thought Tris would follow me but her hand slips away from mine.

"You leave me like Echo. Echo wouldn't let me go with daddy."

Despairs shows up an take a walk inside my heart. I don't know how to be trustable, I didn't think I'd need to be so soon.

"Echo left me too," I say, a single tear escaping my left eye, "I'm never leaving you."

I lean, grab her waist and pull her up in my arms. I hold her tight.

"You're my baby, Tris. I'll always be here for you."

And I intend on keeping that promise.

Tris buries her head into my neck, her arms up on my shoulders. She deserves to have a loving family. I'm trying to be one for her.

* * *

Indra gave me her daughter's old stroller. I'm using it to take Tris to the gallery. I told Clarke I'd be there but Tris is tired. She spent the day at school where she started learning the alphabet, drew, and tried counting. She doesn't dislike school but she gets tired fast. I explained to her that I couldn't keep her with me all day, I have school to go to, and work to do.

Anya wanted me to get back into the team, and I would've loved that, fighting again, but Tris is more important to me. This morning, after her shower, she told me she missed her father. She asked me when she was going to see him again and I couldn't answer. If her father really cares about her, if she really wants to see him, then we'll have to arrange the custody. He's her father after all... but first I have to make sure his intentions are good compared to Costia's.

I see light coming from the gallery's large windows from afar. I come in and stop the stroller on the side. I bend down in front of it. Tris is sleeping. I wish I didn't have to wake her up, but I can't leave her in the stroller at the gallery's entrance.

I caress her cheek with the back of my index finger and she frowns before opening her eyes slowly. It takes her a minute to wake up before I can get her out of the stroller. Her small hand slips in mine and together we come into the huge main room.

It's dark outside, but the room is filled with white light. What I find leaves me dumbfounded. Many people are chatting, but they stop when they see me. I see Clarke standing beside whom I suppose is one of her friend. I recognize the guy who liked interrupting us at Luna's bar - Bellamy. And looking at each one of them, I find Matt. Matt, Anya, and the rest of my team. They came tonight.

They came for me and my daughter.

Matt comes to me first. No one speaks. He smiles at me, which comforts me, and look down at Tris.

"So this is true."

He leans and offers his hand for Tris to high five. Tris frowns at first, but I encourage her with a smile and she taps his hand.

"Wow ! She's strong !" Matt playfully states. He lifts up and, looking at me, adds "She really looks like you. I bet she'd kick my ass too if I bothered her."

"Yeah I'd kick your ass too !" Tris laughs.

I roll my eyes. Matt is the good old idiot I know. A nice idiot.

"Use this kind of vocabulary in front of my daughter again and I'd kick your ass once more," I say seriously.

His stare challenges me, but in a matter of seconds, he pulls me into his arms and heavily tap my back. When he releases me, I know it's time for me to apologize. His face bears no more clue of our fight, but memories are still here.

"I'm sorry about everything. For what happened that night, but also for not telling you about her before."

I throw a glance at Tris. She's a part of my life that I can't hide anymore.

"It's fine now," he says, smiling, "I knew there was something. The first time we fought I was this arrogant team captain who thought he was the strongest. You proved me otherwise by beating me and since then you've been our best fighter. You were so full of anger I thought you were gonna kill me, but gladly Anya taught you well. I never asked you to tell me anything about your past, but I'm glad I found out, because now, all of us, we can help you. That's what tonight is about."

He steps back and stretches his arms for me to pay attention to everyone in the room, and the walls, the walls I'm only noticing now. Paintings. I walk closer to one. It's one face split in two. One side is an adult looking like me, the other side is a younger version of the first. Tris and I. On another painting, a young woman is holding a baby on the top of a hill at night. The sky is full of stars. Another painting represents a little girl in a hospital bed with a woman whose back we can only see watching her, holding her hand.

"What do you think ?" I'm asked.

I turn to find Clarke beside me. Tris looks at the painting, then at me.

"Mommy it's us !" she exclaims.

I smile.

"I asked you to tell my story to the police and you told it to everyone," I tell Clarke.

"I know you probably didn't want it to go public but... I also know Tris matters more to you. People are learning about you and Tris, and the paintings will be in sale tomorrow. The money is for Tris' medical costs. Also, about the apartment I told you about, you can move in as soon as you want. It is yours until the end of the school year. For free."

I can't believe this is happening. I always thought no one cared about one's troubles, but my friends - who I let down - came tonight, Clarke came, even her friends came ! For a moment I wonder if it's real.

"Mommy look ! Abby is here !"

Tris pulls my arm for me to walk with her to Abby. I feel like I'm in a dream, I fear waking up.

"Hi Tris, how are you feeling ?" Abby ask when my daughter collides against her waist.

"Mom carries me when I can't walk !" she says proudly.

"Hello, Lexa," Abby greets me at Tris' mention. "Do you mind if I take a look at Tris ?"

I understand she's here as the doctor and not really as Clarke's mother. I nod yes and tell Tris I'll be waiting for her here. She seems to trust the doctor.

Abby disappears with my daughter into a room and I'm left with Clarke.

"She told me she kept Tris company whenever she could," she tells me, "after Tris was left alone at the hospital, I mean. Tris slept most of the time, but it must have been horrible for her to wake up and find herself alone."

It's terribly obvious. Tris freaks out everytime she's alone, and we know perfectly why. The question to ask is about who made the decision of leaving her at Arkadia Hospital. From what Tris told me about her father, I can't think it's his fault. It must be Costia's.

But it isn't what bothers me the most right now.

"Is it all you two talked about ?" I ask Clarke. "Tris ?"

She looks away, guilt glowing from her cheeks. She took it as an accusation.

"I'm not mad at you," I correct myself, "I'm worried. This morning I found you in tears and now your mother seems more interested in my daughter than hers."

"Who wouldn't be interested in that little girl's story ?" she asks to avoid answering my statement.

"Clarke-" I start a long-thought monologue which is cut off by a loud noise behind us.

We turn around. A painting has been stabbed by a woman. The painting of me sitting on the floor, holding my baby against my chest.

Clarke is frozen in shock beside me. The woman throws a death glare at her. I think I know her.

"Put the knife down," I order when I see her look at another painting.

She turns towards me. Everyone is the room watches with caution.

"Woods. You have a child and she opens a gallery for you," she throws another glare at Clarke, "my sister dies and she dares telling me it's my sister's fault !"

"I never said that !" Clarke yells back. "I said she had drunk too much and didn't wake up to get out of the house, I didn't say-"

"LIES !"

She walks closer to us with the knife in her hand. I know what I have to do. Everyone knows, so they don't move.

"Put the knife down, Pramfaya."

"I don't follow your orders, Woods. You use people, hurt them. The whole campus knows and yet you're still the golden student."

One more step and she'll be able to touch Clarke. I can't wait any longer. I step forward, she aims for my arm with the knife, but the same arm block hers. I grab her wrist, twist it enough for her to drop the knife, and once the knife is on the floor, I twist her arm behind her back and kick the inside of her right knee. I guide her in her fall to not break her twisted arm.

"The whole campus may know I'm a bitch," I declare, "but they also know I'm the best fighter this campus has ever known."

She moans in pain but doesn't answer. She is too proud to beg me to release her, so I ask Anya if she can take her to the police station. Anya has a car, and I know she won't let the girl escape.

I turn back toward Clarke who hasn't moved an inch. I lay a hand on her shoulder, she slightly jumps, and when she turns her head toward me, I don't have time to say a word.

"Let me show you the apartment."

She goes to warn her mother and take me into some staircase on the left side of the gallery. We climb up to the first floor and she gets a key out of her vest pocket to open the door.

"After you," she says, and I come in.

I see the couch first, in the living room on my right. The kitchen door faces me. It is not empty.

"Come," Clarke says and I follow into a room.

A child room. The walls are white but there are toys for both boys and girls. A bed is made up. I don't need any more clue to understand that this apartment has everything needed to live in.

"It's from all of us. We got some old furnitures from our homes and we bought some toys. It's our way of saying we support you."

I keep looking around the room. It's amazing. I might have a chance of getting Tris' custody for good.

"It's great." I say, still amazed by what has been done for me.

"I'm glad you like it."

That's what Clarke has been doing since she left the hospital. She planned this. She painted my story. She got me an apartment for free for me to finish school. All this time I thought she had been taking care of herself, but she's been taking care of me.

"I do. I really do. But what I said earlier... I can speak to your mother if you wish, tell her-"

"You've done enough. You stopped Alie tonight, thank you for that."

I don't understand. She seemed fine not so long ago, but today her pain is glowing on her face. She tries to turn around, turning her back on me to get out of the room, but I stop her. I force her to face me. She and I know that I can't leave her be. Not like this.

Her eyes are full of tears ready to drop. I wish she told me what's wrong. Asking another question would be useless, she clearly won't tell me anything for now. But I won't let her go either. I wrap her in my arms, my heart jumping insanely in my chest. Her scent surrounds me and I pull her closer. She feels it too, this comfort, this trip to another world, because she lays her head on my shoulder and I hear her first cries.

Her hands hold onto my shirt in my back. I try to guide her toward the living room to sit on the sofa, but the main door opens, and Tris and Abby come in.

I let go of Clarke to catch an excited Tris.

"Abby says I'm getting better ! I can be strong like you !'' she shouts.

"Lexa can I talk to you ?" Abby asks calmly, which worries me despite Tris' statement.

I tell my daughter to keep an eye on Clarke and go back in the kid's room to talk.

"Is everything okay with Tris ?" I ask.

"She will be. Do you give her her medicine everyday like I told you ?"

"Yes, of course. Is something wrong with her ? I'm starting to get worried."

"No. It's not your daughter I wanted to talk about, but mine."

Clarke. Abby wants to talk about Clarke. Does she have something to do with her daughter's sorrow ? Surely.

"I heard what happened in the gallery while I was with Tris. You protected my daughter, so I think you should know that girl's behavior wasn't totally out of mind."

"Out of mind ? She destroyed a painting and attacked us with a knife," I spit.

"That is not what I mean. I'm worried about Clarke. I can't say I have forgiven her yet but I do love her and you seem to be the only one who can keep her on track, so you need to know this."

She lets a second of silence drop and I wanna yell at her, order her to spit whatever she has to say.

"The night her father died in the flames of a burning house, it was her. Clarke is the one who lit the fire."

I don't hear anything else for the next thirty seconds. I can't believe it. I don't understand. Why would Clarke lie about it ? We both did things we regret, one more from her wouldn't have made me hate her.

Abby leaves the apartment and I go back into the living without really knowing what I'm doing. Tris is almost asleep on Clarke's lap. Seeing them so close to each other gives me hope, but from what I've just found out, I should probably not keep my hopes high.

I take her and carry her to her room. We'll go back to the tavern tomorrow to pack our stuff and bring it here. I lay Tris down and whisper in her ear "If you need me, call me."

She moves slightly, I guess she heard. My thoughts can't go far. When I leave Tris' room I see a silhouette slipping through the main door. I go grab Clarke's wrist.

"Stay." I tell her.

She turns around and I see her tears, they're still here. She doesn't want to tell me now, nevermind. She'll tell me later.

"I can't," her voice is trembling, "I have to go."

I don't let her go. I can't. She's been acting weirdly and she looks broken. If I can't understand why now, I still can keep her safe.

I pull her inside the apartment, close the main door, lock it, and pull her more. She tries to pull back but she knows it's useless to try and fight me. I discover what's to be my bedroom.

"Lexa, let me go," she almost begs, but her voice cracks and disappears in a whisper.

I face her and stop moving. She barely looks into my eyes. I was holding her wrist, but it seems brutal to me, so I let my hand slide down to find hers.

"We help each other, Clarke, that's what we said. Earlier I protected you from Pramfaya, now I'm protecting you from yourself."

She looks up, sees into my eyes that I know her pain is danger tonight. I know it because I've been through it too. I sit down onto the bed and hold my hand up for her to join me. She does. She knows I won't let her leave this place anyway, which means she can sleep in the bed with me, or go sleep on the couch.

She lays down beside me. I make sure the blanket covers her well and shift closer until my arm surround her and my head is on her shoulder.

I don't want to think for hours tonight. I want to sleep with the certainty of having the two girls I love safe in this place with me.

I close my eyes, focus on Clarke's body close to me. Slowly, she stops trembling. Her breathing steadies but a tear falls onto my nose. I put my hand up and cautiously lay it on her right cheek to dry the tears. I can't help myself but leave my hand against her skin, caressing it with my thumb.

A couple of minutes later, a very low whisper leaves her lips.

"Thank you."

My chest warms up in a second and I slightly lift my head up to lay my lips on her left cheek. It is still wet from her cries. I want to dry each tear. I need her to be fine. Happy.

"No matter what." Words escape my lips as I lay my head back on Clarke's shoulder. "I love you."

Clarke's chest jumps against my arm. I know she won't answer tonight. I don't need her to. We both know the truth. The only truth that, deep down, we've always been sure of. Each of us, we fall from our heart to the other.


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke

I hear a childish voice calling for its mother. Something moves beside me and I get cold. I open my eyes, vision blurred by last night's tears forming a closed door before my eyes. My heart jumps when it recognizes Lexa's shape. _I love you_. I hear a scream in my head. My own painful scream. I want to call for Lexa and tell her I do too. I can't. Not after what I found out recently. Lexa deserves better.

I close my eyes. I can't wake up now, with Lexa and her daughter in the same room. I have to sleep a little bit longer.

* * *

I woke up a few minutes ago. The apartment is empty. The main door is locked. I look for a key but there must be a single one that Lexa must have taken with her. I grit my teeth at the fact that she locked me inside her apartment. I hate being locked up in a place. I don't feel safe. Since the fire, I prefer the outside, fresh air. Being into a place I can't get out of safely feels like a nightmare.

I sit on the sofa and wait. I can't help but feel anxious. My left knee has been jumping for fifteen minutes. How could Lexa lock me up here and leave me alone after making me feel protected last night ?

I hear the unlocking of the door and jump on my feet. Lexa is back and smiles at me. Everything seems fine for her. She must think she did nothing wrong.

I aim for the door. I need to leave. I need to breathe fresh air. But obviously, Lexa stops me.

"What are you doing ?"

I free my arm from the hand which just grabbed it.

"I don't like being locked up."

She frowns. She doesn't even understand how wrong she is.

"You were sleeping Clarke, I had to take Tris to school, I wasn't going to leave you here alone with the front door unlocked !"

"I need to go outside," I answer coldly.

I don't want to explain anything. I can't. I just need to get out of here. I step outside and Lexa grabs my arm again and pulls me back inside.

"What the hell Lexa ?!" I yell.

She closes the door and I feel trapped again.

"We have to talk," she states.

She pisses me off ! At a point no one ever could !

"So you're telling me what to do again, huh ?" I spit. "Exactly like when you came into my room without my permission, or when you decided that I had drunk enough, when you showed everyone at the pub that neither Matt nor anyone else was to touch me !"

"You're angry and sad, Clarke."

"You're a possessive bitch !"

I yelled out of anger, but seeing her cold expression, I can't take my words back. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Pain blossoms where I thought a flower of love had grown, and I aim for the door.

"Don't do this, Clarke," Lexa begs, voice straight but an echo in it makes me think she's begging.

"Love isn't always requited," I say and leave fast.

I find myself running out of the building, tears rolling down my cheeks. This past month, I had dreamt of Lexa confessing her love for me, which she did last night, and all I've done after this event is spitting hate at her and running away.

But I didn't have a choice.

I have another place to go. I'm stressed out, but I need to get this over with. Passing by the gallery, I tell Jaha I won't be able to come to work today. Seeing my devastated face, he doesn't ask for any reason why.

I walk to one of the campus' dormitories. Second floor. At this time in the morning, it's almost empty. I only meet one student I don't know. A guy I ignore to go knock on one door. Door 213. It answers fast enough. Too fast for me. Her face appears to me as it does in my nightmares.

"It's done," I declare.

She smiles. I thought Lexa was a bitch when I met her but Alie is the best of them all.

"How did she look ?" she asked, grinning.

"How do you think she looked ?!"

"So Lexa does have a heart... a broken one now... good. I guess that's it. You stay out of Lexa's life and she'll get to keep her daughter while your secret stays safe."

"You're a heartless bitch," I spit, rage pulsing in my temples and neck.

I shouldn't have, but I needed to. I see it coming, but I don't react. I stumble back when her fist hits my face.

"Everything that happened then and everything that happens now is on you and you know it," she spits back.

"I never meant to hurt anyone," I say, apologizing to all victims who can't hear me, "but your sister did. She hurt people, she hurt me by playing us. This is worse than the accident I caused."

Deep down, I try to reassure myself with my own words. I'm ashamed of the excuses I find myself, so I still don't react when a fist hits my belly. I fall on my knees, breathless. The pain of the punches is strong but not as strong as guilt.

"We have a deal," I whisper once I can breathe again, "I've done my part, you should go do yours. Erase the videos."

I'm looking down, breathing heavily. My lower lip is cut. She could hit me again, I wouldn't see it. I'm only trying to breathe.

"My sister never killed anyone. I'm holding my part of the deal about Lexa. But I'm not done with you."

I know what this means. A foot hits my side and I fall on my other side. I should put my arms up to protect my face, but I can't. She's taking her rage out on me and she's right. I lit the fire. I killed her sister and everyone else in the house. I killed my father. I don't even remember it, but the video is clear.

My mother made a deal with the police to get rid of it back then, without telling me. I understand why she has hated me so much these pase years. I was drunk, high and miserable. I made a mistake. I wish I remembered. Finding out years later ends all attempt at healing. How am I supposed to forgive myself now that I know I lit the fire, causing people to die ?

Another kick. I want her to end it. To honor her deal. Lexa can't be stuck in my mistakes' web. I expect another kick. It doesn't come. Have I already lost the ability to feel ?

Shouts. I hear shouting. And as I hear voices, they become more and more similar. Two voices. Alie's, and -

"Clarke, what the hell have you done !"

Lexa. She's worried. She tries to help me up, but I'm not of any help. I don't feel much of my body. Everything hurts too much for me to distinguish specific pain.

I haven't heard what happened between Alie and Lexa. I think a few minutes passed. Time is slow yet very fast.

She lays me down on her bed. We're back in the apartment. Lexa's smell is everywhere. I realize what happened with Alie, what happened earlier with Lexa. What I've told her. And the cries come.

"Clarke," Lexa tries to catch my attention. "Clarke !''

I can't speak. I want to, but I can't. Lexa sees she won't get any word from me, so she wraps me up in blanket and I suppose she's cleaning my face when I fall asleep.

* * *

She's here when I wake up. I look around, trying to find the time. I can't have slept for too long. For a moment I hope everything that I think happened today was just a big bad dream. But the pain on my face and other parts of my body tell me I really got beaten up by Alie. I had to. Lexa could've lost her daughter because of me.

Lexa sees I'm awake and tries to say something but stops. She looks tired. Tired of me ? Of dealing with me ? I just want her to be happy with her daughter.

I'm blushing because of shame, my cheeks burning even more than they already did because of the bruises. I can't say anything. I'm too scared of facing Lexa's disappointment.

She speaks first.

"I never asked you to fight for me."

My hearts skips a beat. She doesn't understand. Alie could've ruined her chances to keep her daughter with just videos of her on campus. Videos of Lexa's past impulsive behavior. We don't leave kids with impulsive parents. But Lexa would never hurt Tris. She's the most loving person I've ever met. That's why she doesn't deserve me.

"I couldn't let her ruin everything for you," I say, voice low but filled with anger and shame.

I never wanted any of this to happen. A couple of days ago I had hope. Hope for Lexa and Tris to be reunited for good. Hope for Lexa and I to have a chance. But then Alie happened. She had those videos from the party that I never heard of. She sent them and I knew they weren't fake. I called my mother, whom knew. She covered for me.

"I know, Clarke," Lexa says, "your mother told me. Why didn't you tell me you were the one who lit the fire ?"

Her voice is desperate. She's disappointed in me. This last month I've done everything I could to make her happy. Failure hurts.

"I didn't know..." I whisper, unable to speak any louder, "I always had that blank part about the party... "

Lexa stands up and I'm afraid she's gonna leave me. But she's at home, in her apartment, she wouldn't just leave, right ? Instead she leaves the room and comes back with my phone. She goes through it, finding soon what she was looking for because she sits beside me on the bed for both of us to watch. The video.

I see myself again in that kitchen. I hold on to every furniture I can reach to keep standing. There's that guy lighting candles up, for some games I suppose. He leaves the room for a short moment, I don't know what to do, but the short moment is lasting enough for my despair to make me throw everything away. The bottles, the glasses, the candles... and I'm pulled out of the kitchen by the guy who was filming me struggle with a laugh. I'm out of the room, but the guy still is in the kitchen, phone in hand, watching in horror the fire starting. He takes glasses and throw them on the small flame which grows. He was as much able to think than I was. He drops his phone and we hear him try to get water to drown the flames but it's too late.

There are loud voices which soon disappear. The rest of the house is unaware of what is actually going on. Like me, they were stuck in the fake reality alcohol and drugs created. But they didn't make the mistake I did. They didn't deserve to die.

"So you think this is your fault ?" Lexa says with such neutrality I'm dumbfounded.

"You've seen for yourself, I lit the fire. And my mother covered for me... I know why she's been having a hard time forgiving me... my father really died because of me..."

I jump when Lexa throws the phone away. She stands up, her muscles tensed. I'm scared. I'm scared for her to leave me for good. She keeps quiet for a while, her back facing me. I can see her jawline from where I'm sitting and she might kill me with just her sharp jaws.

"So what, Clarke ?" she says harshly, still not facing me. "You were drunk and high, and heartbroken, and you've made a mistake than any of those other fools could've done that night because YOU WERE ALL ACTING STUPIDLY !"

"Lexa-"

"IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ACT RESPONSIBLY !" she yells so loud her voice rings in my head and I stand up abruptly, afraid she might punch the wall in front of her and hurt herself.

I stumble, my legs hurting, but ignore the pain to put myself between her and the wall. Seeing her face, I do not find only anger. Her face is marked by pain. Her eyes are glowing with rage, tears ready to drop.

Mine do. A sea of tears drown my face. I failed my last goal. The only thing that really mattered to me. The goal that made my life meaningful.

"I just wanted you to be alright," I whisper.

I know I've made mistakes, I know I'm still making mistakes, and I know I will keep mistakes if it means keep Lexa and Tris safe together.

"I just want you to be alright," Lexa answers.

I look up at her. Her voice is soft now, so are her eyes. I share her stare as anger fade away. There is only sadness now. As I'm looking into her eyes, I realize this is about the both of us. We've been making each other miserable trying to make each other happy. I stumble back, Lexa's fast arm keeps me from hitting the wall. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of waiting for something to happen.

I surround Lexa's waist with my arms and lay my head against her shoulder. My muscles are sore, but Lexa's warmth is healing.

"I'm sorry, Lexa, but all that matters to me is your happiness. Yours and Tris'."

Silence. I feel her breath on my hair. She might be angry for my stubbornness, but I've come to a point where I can't see myself living in this world without knowing Lexa is happy somewhere.

"Then you should know you make me happy. You being happy and safe make me happy. Right now you're making me sad."

Easy words. Tough call. I'm not sure I will ever be enough for Lexa. She's about to graduate and start a long and successful career in politics. I know it. Lexa is amazing, determined, she has the guts to stand for people. But I will always be messy somehow. I have skills in a few fields but I don't master any. I wouldn't be of any help for her and Tris.

"I should go back to the tavern and sleep a while," I say.

Weak excuse for me to leave. She doesn't believe me. She doesn't let go of me.

"You're staying here. I'm not letting you go after this morning's mascarade. You can rest here. I'm gonna have to go to work and then to class, but I'll be back with Tris in the late afternoon. Could you just stay here and rest ? Could you do that for me ?"

How could I say no ? I already regret too many things. If I go now, I'd be too ashamed to come back. I can't answer. I can't decide. What's the right thing to do ?

"Rest, Clarke," Lexa decides for me.

She guides me back in bed, covering me with the blanket as if I was her kid.

"The police is dealing with Pramfaya. Don't worry, we're gonna be okay. Trust me, for once."

I watch her leave. I've been trying to take care of her and she's the one taking care of me.

* * *

The front door is getting unlocked. I open my eyes and sit up, moaning at the pain pinching my back. I hear voices, voices I know well, and Raven walks through the room's door.

"She's here, guys !" she calls.

Two other people join us.

"Bellamy ? Monty ? What are you three doing here ?"

Raven have Lexa's keys in hand. Lexa wouldn't have give them her apartment keys, right ?

"I met Lexa on campus," Raven explains, "she told me what happened. She's worried, so she asked me if I could come check on you. The others are still in class, but Bel and Monty were available."

"You seemed fine yesterday," Monty adds. "We keep telling you that we're here to help, but you don't ask when you need help the most."

Guilty. Are they here to make me feel worse ?

"Don't you think it's a bit late for that Monty ?" Bellamy backs me up.

"You want me to apologize to you again," I say without enough strength to turn this sentence in a question.

"You don't have to," Raven answers, and turning toward the guys "Okay, you two, out of the room. Monty, take Clarke's phone and get the evidence the police needs. Bellamy, you can make some tea."

"And since when are you our boss ?" Bellamy asks.

"Since I beat you at pool last nigh, loser. Go ! I need to talk to Clarke, privately."

The two do as they're told. I'm sure the first reason they listen to Raven now is that they don't know what to tell me to make me feel better. But Raven knows. She always know. She's honest. Expecting her words, I'm suddenly scared of my friend's honesty. Deep down, I know what she's gonna say.

"Are you sure nothing's broken ?" she asks, pointing my bruises.

"Only bruises, don't worry."

I'd know if I had a broken bone. For now the only broken thing I feel is my heart.

"I do worry, Clarke. The Alie issue could've been solved easily. You may feel guilty, but from what Lexa told me about the video it's not exactly your fault. And, anyway, even if you had lit a fire on purpose, years have passed. The police would've sent you to jail earlier if you were guilty of a crime."

"My mother covered for me. She convinced the police that the whole thing what just an accident and that, technically, I didn't light the candles. And yet for years she's been mad at me without telling me the truth."

I can't even be angry at it anymore. I'm tired.

Something hits the back of my head. I look up at Raven with a moan.

"What the hell !"

"Sorry, you piss me off. You're complaining about your shitty life and the pain guilt causes you while literally laying in the bed of the girl you're drooling on."

"I'm not drooling !"

I can't believe the scene turns out this way.

"Any problem you have, you can solve it. You're not feeling well ? Let Lexa in. You know how miserable I was before I started a relationship with Luna. With this long scar on my leg, I thought no one would ever want me. But she did. You have a scar too, Clarke, but it's not on your leg. It's on your heart."

Once again, she's right. Raven is my fairy Godmother. She hates mentioning her scar but she did for me, just to prove me there's always hope. She sighs and speaks again.

"We've already talked about Lexa. It's up to you now. You have a job you like. You have friends to protect and help you. You have a super intelligent ninja interested in you."

I laugh at the last comment. Lexa does fight well. But yesterday I was too focussed on hurting to see how sexy Lexa was when she was fighting crime. Everything seems so different now... pain doesn't go away easily, but maybe I can fight it instead of letting it pull me down.

"I'm gonna fix it," I tell Raven, "I just hope I won't ruin everything for Lexa and Tris."

"Why would you ? Trust us, trust Lexa, and most importantly, trust yourself Clarke."

I pull Raven into a hug and whisper a _thank you_. I may not be able to control my devastating feelings, but I want to try. I have to consider the fact that, maybe, things will turn out well.

To substract pain, I should try to add love. Lexa is the answer to the latter. She deserves a better behavior from me.

* * *

After a while of hanging out with Raven, Bellamy and Monty, I'm alone in the apartment, waiting for Lexa's return. I know what I have to do. I feel the urge to do it. I'm still laying in Lexa's bed, covered with her scent. I try not to think too much. My stomach hurts because of anxiety. The wait feels everlasting. Until it comes to an end. Finally. I take a deep breath in, exhale slowly and stand up cautiously.

I hear Lexa tell Tris she can go play in her room while she makes dinner. Tris yells she's gonna draw her. I smile. They seem happy together.

I wait for a few more seconds. Tris goes to her room and Lexa goes into the kitchen. I leave Lexa's bedroom. For a brief moment, as I walk toward the kitchen, I don't hear anything but the loud beating of my heart. I walk into the kitchen, ready to tell my long-thought speech, but when Lexa turns toward me and her eyes widen seeing me before her, it all disappears. There is no more speech. I have no words. I already said too many.

"Clarke, you stayed," she says and I give up all hesitation to go meet her, take her hand and pull her against me.

My hand slides in her neck to keep us from colliding and I lay my lips on hers. I feel her slightly jump against me. She's surprised. I let the warm softness of the kiss spread inside my body and a huge question mark bumps against my brain.

Why didn't I do this before ?

It seems to be a perfect solution to my issues, an incredible comfort, a life goal, a lively hope, but when I break contact, I'm crushed by fear. Lexa slowly opens her eyes, and I see the tears forming a veil on them.

"I'm terrified of the fact that I might ruin everything for you and your daughter," I whisper, breaking the wall keeping me from her.

A tear drop from her left eye to our entwined hands. She had probably lost hope, because I made her wait for a long while. Too long. But I cannot regret it after what I just did.

"No matter what happens," she tell me, her voice slighly breaking, "it won't be your fault. I won't blame you."

Won't she blame me if she loses Tris' custody ? Won't she blame me if a ghost from my past comes to attack her daughter ? I'd rather take the beating. But the most painful hit would be to lose Lexa because of my fears. I'd hit her, I'd hit myself.

"I love you too, Lexa."

I pull her into a strong hug. I want to make her feel my presence, I'm not leaving her. We stay like this for a while before Lexa pulls back.

I drown in the tearstream flooding through her eyes.

"You don't have to worry about Pramfaya, Clarke. She won't destroy us. Only we can destroy us."

I slightly smile, frowning. I hope she's right. But it isn't what I remember from her statement.

"Let's start by building us."

She nods and watches me carefully. I raise a questioning brow at her staring at my lips. She lifts a hand and her thumb overtouches my cut lip still swollen from this morning's punch. I want to tell her it doesn't matter but I don't have time, she leans forward and lay her lips on mine, her mouth avoiding the cut. She barely pushes the kiss and yet my whole body shakes. I pull her closer, deepening the kiss, putting my lips straight on hers, ignoring all pain from my cut.

"Annnnnwwwwhhh !" yells a childish voice from behind me.

We part abruptly. I turn to see Tris running away with her hands on her eyes. She's laughing out loud, which make Lexa laugh slightly. I clear my throat to avoid talking about what just happened and turn toward the furniture. Rice is waiting to be put in a pan full of water ready to be boiled.

"We'd better make dinner, Tris must be hungry," I offer.

"Are you staying tonight ?" Lexa asks me, surprised.

"If you want me to stay, yes. I made us lose enough time."

She takes my hand for a brief instant and let go of it to take care of dinner, but she stops in her moves to turn toward me.

"I'm glad you stayed."

She makes dinner and I watch her in silence. We appreciate the peaceful calm. We still have things to tell. I will never apologize enough for the anxiety I caused Lexa, but deep down I know she understands I fear too. At last, to soothe the fear, we must not run, but stay close. I understand that today. I couldn't keep an eye on Lexa and her daughter if I was away from them, whereas Lexa would always worry about me.

Here, together in the kitchen, we are sure that we are alright. The past may still be difficult to handle, but today is healing.

* * *

 **Finally, huh ? :D**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hiya !**

 **New chapter's up, but before reading it I have something important to say.**

 **It's been harder and harder for me to keep up with both versions, as I usually write in english and translate in french to post both versions every week. This week, I tried the other way around, writing in french first, translating into english afterwards. It doesn't change much, except that I make way less mistakes in french because it's my native tongue. I spend a lot of time writing and translating, sometimes putting aside real life issues. That is why I'm considering taking a break from the english version. Why the english and not the french ? Simply because it's easier for me to write in french even though I'm used to write in english too now.**

 **I can't assure you there will be a new chapter next week. The translating and rereading both versions make me obsessed with getting the chapters done and that's why I've decided to take a break. I think I will decide what I'm exactly gonna do in the next few days and write it on my profile page, so that's where you'll get the information if you don't see a new chapter up next friday. It's not an easy decision to make, I don't want to let you down, I just have issues to deal with on my own.**

 **Anyway, I hope you'll like this chapter. See ya later !**

* * *

Lexa

I wake up suddenly. I just heard a loud noise coming from the living room. I stand up, run to the room. I frown when I see what made the noise.

"Clarke ?"

She lifts her body up and looks around her. She must have fallen from the couch while sleeping. Last night after dinner, we watched a movie on my computer, as I don't have any TV, and I put Tris to bed when she made me notice that _Clork_ had fallen asleep.

"I don't remember falling asleep here," Clarke explains, standing up awkwardly.

I see in her way of standing that her side is hurting. I offer my shoulder as a crutch and help her get to my room. While I help her get into bed, I hear another door opening and Tris appears in the room. The noise must have woken her up.

"Mommy, can I sleep with you ?"

I pull the blanket up on Clarke and goes to my daughter, kneeling in front of her. She lays her hand down, disappointed. She already knows the answer.

"You have to get used to sleeping in your own bed Tris, in your room. Kids aren't supposed to sleep in their parents' bed.

Not that I don't want to have her with me. I'd feel better if I had Tris with me, but she can't grow up in her mother's bed. We have this strong connection since I've found her. Despite our alike appearances, we are very close to each other, and I think Tris easily feels what I feel. When I'm not fine, she worries. That's why I do my best not to let my emotional state be seen.

I take her back to her bed and sit a moment beside her. I see the slight frown between her brows and I start worrying.

"Is there something wrong, Tris ?"

She looks everywhere but at me. She's only four and a half and yet sometimes I wonder if she's not older.

"Tris, why are you sad ?"

"I'm not sad," she answers, voice very low.

I can't fully believe her.

"Come on sweetheart, tell me."

She seems to relax at the nickname. It's not my type to use these kind of names, but there are people for whom I can't help myself but use them.

"When will Daddy come to see me ?" she asks.

Her father. It's not the first time she talks to me about him, and clearly not the last. She loves him, which proves he loves her too, and I think she's hurt by his absence. I need to find a way to contact him, but I don't want Costia anywhere near Tris and I. If he really loves his daughter, he won't bring Costia.

"I'm gonna try to make him come, alright ?"

She nods and I kiss her forehead. I'm not sure I comforted her properly.

"Sleep, Tris. I'm in my room if you need me. I love you," I say, gently caressing her hair.

"Love you Mommy."

I smile, kiss her one more time under the upperhand of emotions and stand up to leave the room before I change my mind. Gladly, another girl is waiting for me in my room. Otherwise I think I would've given up and taken Tris with me.

I thought I would find Clarke awake in my room, but I see she fell back asleep. I lay beside her, slip a hand in hers and quickly fall asleep, feeling complete.

* * *

I woke up early because Tris wet herself. She blames herself everytime, because she knows kids her age use the toilets, but I always tell her it's not her fault. Her treatment is heavy and when her kidneys hurt she can't keep herself from peeing. I ask her to be patient. She needs time, but she's gonna be strong. _Like you ?_ Like me.

After her shower, I let Tris in the kitchen with her breakfast. I tell her to eat calmly and go back to my room to check on Clarke. It's a bit early to wake her up but I need to know what she's planning to do today.

I sit where I slept, on the right side of the bed, and use my elbow to lean over her. She's sleeping on her back, her face, which cheek and lips are tumid, free from any hair. I take her hand in mine under the blanket and squeeze it gently.

A few seconds later, Clarke opens her eyes. She seems confused at first, but confusion vanishes when her eyes find mine. She lifts up in a sitting position, too fast in my opinion.

"Be careful with your bruises."

But my warning comes too late, she's already wincing. I think I know where the pain is the strongest. I pull the blanket up and see Clarke's hand laying on her ribs. I let her hand go to catch the other, the one laying against her shirt. With a glance, I ask Clarke the permission to take a look at her injury. She sighs and let me lift her shirt up a bit to discover the wide blue-yellowish bruise.

"Clarke..."

"I told you it's nothing," she claims.

I pull her shirt back down but don't change my position.

"If you don't go see a doctor, I'll call your mother," I threaten.

I know that Clarke hates when I threaten her, but I don't want to leave her alone with these bruises.

"And your mother, do you ever call her ?" she answers dryly.

Touché. I haven't really mentioned my mother lately, but I did tell Clarke about her when I told her my story.

"I haven't talked to her these past months. We had a fight last summer... my behavior on campus, the one you hate so much, she doesn't like it either despite my honorable grades. She must think I'm still behaving like this... and...

"And ?"

I sigh. I don't want to talk about it, but if I want Clarke to talk to me about her own issues I have to tell her about mine.

"I feel like she's hiding something from me, and when she refused to tell me anything, I stopped calling her and haven't answered her last messages."

"Well, call your mother and I'll call mine."

She's offering a deal that I accept by nodding simply. It's cold in here, so I pull the blanket up on her.

"Are you still going to sleep for a while ?"

"No, I have to go check the gallery. I hope paintings were sold..."

"I think so, your paintings are amazing."

She smiles and I feel the urge to lie down beside her for a short moment. She looks at me and her hand finds mine. Since yesterday, since she admitted my love for her was requited, we both have in our eyes this glint of hope when our eyes meet. Glint which grows with the irrepressible need to come closer. Three months ago I tried kissing her with the probability that she answered with a punch. Today, she leans on me to kiss me herself.

"Moom ?" my daughter calls from the kitchen. "I'm done eating !"

Obviously, Clarke stops moving, cancelling her gesture. Our lips barely touched.

"I'm coming !" I scream to my own flesh and blood.

I stand up from the bed and hear a giggle. I turn toward Clarke and notice her lower lip is stuck behind her front teeth. I raise my brows and she decides to throw her mockery.

"Motherhood lights you up."

I roll my eyes, pull out my tongue at her and leave the room to meet my daughter. I'm gonna have to take her to school. Then, I'll come home for a little while. I hope I'll be able to spend some time with Clarke before going to work.

* * *

I come back to the apartment after dropping Tris at school and find Clarke in my room, stopping and turning myself abruptly when I see her upper body only covered with her bra. She's spreading out some ointment on her wide bruise which worries me since yesterday.

"I called my mother," she tells me. "She'll be here later in the afternoon. I guess she's worried, after all."

"You got beaten, Clarke, any mother would worry. Furthermore, if your mother has asked me to keep an eye on you, it's because she loves you and she's afraid something bad might happen to you. It did happen..."

Something bad happened. When Clarke left my apartment in a rush, I really hesitated following her. Her words were harsh and I wasn't sure I could bear another dry reply from her. But Abby's words quickly came back to my mind and I was afraid that Clarke, in her state, would do something wrong.

"I have to come by the tavern to take a shower and change, then I have to go the gallery, if you wanna know where I'm going," Clarke explains.

She must have guessed I was wondering.

She stands up, put the ointment back on the furniture and go get her shoes left in the living room. I decide to follow her out, I don't have anything else to do for now. All the way to the tavern, my lips are burning to let out a question, but I don't know if Clarke is ready to hear it. I clearly don't want to fight with her again.

I see her in the corner of my eye, tapping on her phone. I don't want to annoy her, especially if she's talking to her friends. We get into the tavern in silence and, meeting Indra, I stay down at the bar to talk to her while Clarke goes up to her room. Indra doesn't have much to say so she asks me about how I'm doing with Tris. Taking care of a child isn't easy, but having my daughter with me helps me a lot. I feel calmer despite my worry for Clarke.

Thinking about Clarke, I realize it's been half an hour since I started waiting for her at the bar. I remember the last time I tried taking a shower with an injury and I stand up to hurry into the staircase despite Indra's advice not to do it. She used to complain I wasn't trying enough with Clarke, and now she's complaining I'm too close !

I knock on the door and am reassured by Clarke's answer. She tells me to come in, which I do, closing the door behind me. Clarke gets out of the washroom. Wearing only a towel. Which she doesn't seem to be bothered of at all.

"I put ointment at your apartement before coming here to take a shower... not very clever," she complains.

She turns her back on me to get her clothes laying on her bed. Water drops are still rolling on her neck and sliding down her spine to disappear under the towel. Towel which falls down when Clarke grabs her shirt with both of her hands to pull it on.

"Clarke !"

"I wouldn't be mad at you if you look, you know. A few weeks ago you wouldn't have turned around."

"A few weeks ago I was a bitch !"

"Me too," she answers near me, her hand wrapping mine for me to turn around and face her.

Luckily, she has her shirt on and, I suppose, her panties. I'd rather have her fully dressed though, so I don't feel the urge to pin her on the bed.

"I'm not ashamed Lexa," she tells me looking deeply into my eyes. "Of you, of me. I'm not ashamed. I'm only ashamed of what my past makes me."

"Your past doesn't make the person you are today," I try to explain. "And even if it was the case, I don't care about your past. That's what I'm trying to tell you !"

"So why do you look away ?"

She asks me the question in a way that makes me guess there is more than one meaning to it. There is the material way, the way I turned around when the sight of her naked body was offered to me, but also the psychological way she's trying to find into my eyes. Why do I turn my back on her when she gave herself to me, and me to her.

"Because I respect you ?" I try to answer.

She doesn't seem convinced, her stare still digging mine. She waits for an answer which doesn't come, so she decide to tell it herself.

"You're afraid I might run away and that's why you don't let go."

"Or, I hope I have time," I answer even though she's right.

"You have time," she whispers softly, "you have today, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and all the other days, because I'm not leaving."

I swallow hard, my jaws tightening automatically. I want these words to be true...

"Come live with me," I ask abruptly. "For the next few days," I correct myself not to scare her.

I want to keep an eye on her. I want to have her with me and be sure we can be together despite our tormented lives. The answer is so simple ! We only have to stay together, to be there for each other, but how can we believe it's possible after we parted so many times ?

"Alright," Clarke promises, pulling me into her arms.

A warm hug and here I am, believing. I hope I'm not wrong about this, but I have the feeling Clarke is ready to show me that, this time, she's confident about her own decision.

* * *

I walk into the gallery closed to public this morning with Clarke. I stay back with her luggage when she goes into her boss' office. I notice the walls empty from all paintings, so when Clarke comes back to me, she doesn't need to explain.

"I'm free for the rest of the week," she explains. "Apparently, your story interested many people and paintings were sold fast, thanks to Raven's, Bellamy's and Octavia's help who came to explain your story and promote my art. I'm gonna meet them tomorrow night at Luna's, I'm lucky to have them."

I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to come with her tomorrow. A pub is no place for a child. But I can't keep Clarke from going out either. I just hope her friends will take her home...

"Don't worry, Bellamy will take me home," she tells me.

She reads my face way too easily. Bellamy... I don't like seeing him near her. I've already seen at the pub that Bellamy cared for Clarke... in a very close way... not that he sticks to her everytime, he just has a way to come see her and to look at her which throw in my face the way I behave with Clarke.

"Bellamy was in love with me in high school," she adds.

I must be making some weird face for her to guess !

"But it wasn't requited, I told him that four years ago, you don't have to worry."

I do hope so... it gets hard for me to keep my temper down when Clarke is in line, especially when I find her bruised on a building's second floor.

"Don't you touch Bellamy !" she warns me. "Come on, stop pouting !"

She holds onto my arm to walk and explain to me that the earnings from the paintings' sale will pay for all Tris' medical fees. My story did get popular around here and a certain amount of people came to help. I don't usually like charity but in this case, charity helps me pay for what Tris needs. And for that, I'm extremely grateful to Clarke who organized everything.

We climb the steps leading to our apartment. Clarke hasn't said a word since we walked through the building's doors. Seeing her way of climbing the stairs without moving too much, I understand her bruises hurt, so I hold her tighter. Once into the apartment, I take her to bed and lay her down slowly.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

Too many _don't worry_ today. I'm not quite convinced. Her excitement toward the sale has vanished. Her slight amount of happiness has gone fast.

"I'm gonna make some place for you in the furnitures. You can stay for as long as you want."

Sitting beside her, she stares at me, hesitating. I watch her inner conflict. Her eyes are glowing, she's one step away from tears. She must be scared of taking too much place in my life and ruin everything, but she isn't Costia. She isn't a monster.

"You don't have to settle here for good," I say, "you can simply live here until things get better for you."

She leans on me, laying her head on my shoulder, her arm surrounding my waist. I lean too to keep her from hurting by leaning too much.

"I can't wait to be rid of these bruises," she admits.

I know how much Clarke hates to be watched. She likes to be useful and it's not easy when you're injured.

"You can still use these few days off to rest and do something you like ? Like... drawing, painting..."

I turn my head to look at her, our faces close, and notice she's been watching me. Her cheeks are pink because of the cold outside, because of the effort she had to make to walk despite the pain of her bruises, because of the way she's lying close to me, the way she's looking at me.

I think I understand what she meant earlier...

"I'd like to take you out somewhere... just the both of us..." I whisper.

"I'm not asking you to take me out, Lexa. It wouldn't be right to leave Tris to some sitter while you don't have the official custody."

"So what do you want ?" I ask her, uncertain.

"You. Only you. We're fine like this, let's not try to do too much. Let's fix our issues first."

She lifts her hand up and lay it onto my cheek. I exhale peacefully at the comforting touch. I close my eyes while her warm hand slides down my neck. Her lips grab mine without me seeing her approaching, and if I tighten my grip at first, her hand sliding down my waist makes me relax.

She bites my lower lip which is stuck between hers and gets a sigh out of me. She leans more and more on me, and I can't move under the effet of her lips on mine. My heart misses a beat when she slightly jumps against me and moans in pain against my chin. I grab her waist and slowly push her onto her back.

"You always want to go too fast," I point out.

She's looking straight at the ceiling, clenching her jaws, slowly steadying her breathing.

"I really can't wait to be rid of these bruises."

I frown and stop moving. I was thinking of laying small kisses on her cheek, but I think I just understood what she meant earlier.

"So you can't wait huh..." I whisper.

I can't keep myself from smiling like an idiot thinking of Clarke picturing herself in bed with me. I bite my lip without paying attention, which Clarke makes me notice fast.

"It's not because your skin is darker than mine that I can't see you blush, perv," she laughs.

She's smiling again thanks to my idiotic face despite the pain in her side.

"Actually, if you wanna take another shower..."

She laughs out loud and I eat her cheek with kisses, appreciating the softness and the fresh smell of fruity soap. I slowly slide down her neck, forgetting the world around me, enamored by the taste of her skin, but she quickly pushes me away with both of her hands.

"You'd better wait for my bruises to hurt less if you don't want me to make them worse," she threatens with a smile.

I lie down beside her in the light of chastity and we enjoy a peaceful moment before I have to go to work. Near her, my mind is at ease. The past stays in the past, far behind me.

I stand up half an hour later. As promised, I call my mother on the way. I walk with the phone stuck against my ear. I'd rather walk while calling than stop and jump from one foot to another, waiting anxiously for my mother's voice to ring, voice I haven't heard once since I found Tris.

She answers. She doesn't speak for long, but she answers and wishes to see me. She says she'll come soon, so I give her my new address. I don't tell her about Tris, I'd rather tell her face-to-face. She ends the call fast without any more question or date to meet. I still have this doubt. She's hiding something from me. There's still this gap between us when we speak. My mother always did everything she could to help me. I love her from the bottom of my heart and I know she does love me too. I just feel like she's been hiding something for months and it's getting harder and harder for her to hide it.

I hope to find out soon. Clarke was right. Calling her really helped. I feel lighter at work, Clarke's warmth in my heart and the excitement of going home to Clarke with my daughter after work.

* * *

Work kept me busy and I feel fine when I leave the tavern to go get my daughter at school. She runs and jumps into my arms when she sees me. That's how I know she had a good day. The teacher tells me Tris didn't want to take her meds at lunch, she says they make her tired, but after mentioning her mother my daughter did take the meds and ate her meal. I thank the teacher and we leave.

"Did you learn anything new today Tris ?"

"Yes !" she exclaims. "I learned to add up candies and the teacher gave me one !"

I smile seeing her happy. I should think about buying her some chocolate. January is coming to an end and Tris was still alone at the hospital in early december. There hasn't been an actual Christmas for her this year. With the surgery, the end of the year wasn't in our mind. But I think we could catch up on that if we stay careful with food considering Tris' treatment.

My phone rings midway from the apartment. I get it out of my pocket and see a call from Clarke. I hope nothing bad happened to her.

"Clarke ? Is everything alright ?"

" _Lexa ! I'm fine, it's just... my mother arrived about an hour ago and... er, your mother is here too._ "

"WHAT ?!" I scream in the middle of the street, making Tris jump.

" _Your stepfather is here too and they're waiting for you... just so you know, your mother tried to get to know them and she spoke about Tris..._ "

"Shit. I'm coming ! I'll be there in five !"

"Shit !" Tris yells as I hang up.

I take her in my arms to go faster and tell her "Don't speak like your mother Tris, you're worth much more than her."

She hugs me, her head laying on my shoulder, and let the walk in my arms soothe her. We quickly arrive at the apartment. My heart is beating fast in front of the closed door. This family reunion doesn't come at the right moment. I didn't think I'd see my mother with the mother of my new girlfriend that fast, but if they don't know yet about our relationship we're gonna have to tell them. And there's also Tris whose presence was probably not expected before the doctor's announcement. Doctor... my girlfriend's mother... my mother-in-law ?

"Mommy... we're here..."

I jump.

"Yes, yes sweetheart, we're coming in, we're coming in."

Make a speech in front of all students suddenly seems less scary to me than to come home. But I don't have a choice. I grab the handle, guessing the door is unlocked, and open the door, stepping inside the apartment.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi,**

 **it's been a while, I apologise for that, I finally finished translating that chapter and I'm getting back to writing chapter 15 which I adore. Hope you like it !**

 **(Btw, I ship Choni so much I might write a one-shot at some point. Tell me if you ship it, I'm obsessed with them !)**

* * *

Lexa

Everyone is in the living room. I shut the door behind me. My mother and her husband are sitting on the couch while Clarke and Abby are sitting on chairs, forming an angle with the sofa. They're all staring at me. Tris lifts her head and wipes her eyes with her hands. I stare at my mother. She's only watching me. Doesn't she see the child in my arms ?

Tris moves to get back to the ground. I lay her down gently. She looks at the guests, probably wondering why they're here. I clear my throat, feeling uncomfortable. My mother stands up. She seems brighter than the last time I've seen her. Her eyes are brighter. When I was a child, this glow was rare. My mother worked so hard to raise me that she almost died. I'd like to make her proud. But at the moment, I can only feel angry. Her attitude proves it, she's hiding something from me.

I swallow hard, walking towards her. She's walking forward too, her steps following mine. We always had this strong connection, I realise today that it's similar to the connection I have with Tris. When I was a teenager, my mother's friends kept telling me that I really looked like her. My mother tied her hair up, her high cheekbones and sharp jaws more obvious than ever. Her forehead doesn't show any sign of decades spent. I already know how I will look like in twenty, thirty years.

We stop at the exact same time and look at each other with still the same curiosity and affection. Then she opens her arms and I let her hug me, barely answering her hug. I have so many questions to ask her...

"You came quickly," I notice, freeing myself from her embrace.

"Your stepfather and I were already in town."

"Sorry what ?" I ask calmly despite the heavy beat my heart just had after I heard my mother's reply.

So this is it. My mother has been watching me all this time ?

She grabs my arm and pulls me toward the couch. I pull away.

"I think you forget something."

I turn to my daughter who's still standing at the door, watching us in curiosity and fear. I kneel down and tell her to join me. She runs into my arms and reassures herself with a hug. I stand up and go take a chair to sit beside Clarke, getting an annoyed sigh from my mother.

"Lexa..."

"I guess I don't need to tell you I've found my daughter ?"

"Actually, I was waiting for you to tell me."

She knew... before I even called her, she knew.

"You didn't even try to contact me to meet your granddaughter," I state calmly.

Tris turns around on my lap to watch the scene. She stares at my mother. Yet again, the near mirrorlike appearance must be confusing to her.

"You did not answer my last calls."

We fightstaring, but I truly don't wish to fight. Not with my mother. Not with Tris on my lap and Clarke at my side.

"I thought of calling you, you know. Clarke herself knows how much I care about you. But the gap that's been growing between us lately, you created it, not me. You've been hiding something, and I swear that if it has something to do with Tris -''

"Tris' father called me last summer."

I nearly choke with my own saliva. I swallow harshly, my jaws painfully clenched. Last summer, I was still this arrogant girl having fun with others. With other girls. A stupid way of hiding the pain I felt at my child's absence. And here is my mother telling me she spoke to my daughter's father a few months back. I could have found Tris earlier.

I want to spit her wrongs at her face but my daughter turns her head toward me and looks at me with so much hope I get that she understood.

"You can call Daddy ?" she asks.

Her question breaks my heart. I wish I could give Tris a real family, but instead she's torn apart between the long lovely relationship she has with her father and the new instant connection she's felt when she first met me. And Costia... this woman who never knew how to be a mother... Tris didn't deserve to be left aside. Not surprising Tris loved me so fast, beating Costia at the Best Mother of the Year Award doesn't require too much work.

"We'll see, sweetheart. I told you I would try to make him come."

I kiss her temple and she turns her back on me again, pushing back against me for me to hold her.

"Explain, Mom," I coldly ask the woman who's carefully watching my daughter and I from the sofa.

She sighs, crossing her legs as if she was the adult here and I just an unwise kid. I try to relax my muscles. I don't want Tris to feel my anger.

"He was looking for you. He thought he'd seen you on the internet, thanks to your wins in football and kick boxing. He found out you studied here but didn't have your exact address on campus. I refused to give it to him. That's when he announced me your daughter was sick."

This story seems off in some way, and yet, I feel my mother is telling the truth. A hand grabs mine, reminding me of the most important clue - Clarke is here, my daughter is here, we're together, safe. I turn my head towards Clarke to quietly thank her with a glance. She returns the favor, encouraging me to go on.

"You kept him from finding me..."

It's not a conversation for Tris. She shouldn't be hearing everything, whether she understands or not. I throw a glance at Clarke which she understands straight away and turns towards her mother. Abby needs a short moment to understand, but she eventually stands up.

"Tris, do you want to go draw in your room ? We could talk like before."

My daughter pushes herself back against me, but seeing Abby's encouraging face, she slides off my lap and joins the doctor. They disappear into the corridor to get to her room. Clarke and I are now alone with my mother and stepfather.

"I couldn't let them use you again," my mother explains too calmly. "It's been more and more difficult to hide it from you knowing how Costia's disappearance with your child broke you. Because I didn't want the story to repeat itself, I kept it a secret.

I close my eyes for a brief moment, breathing deeply but silently. Clarke's hand in mine helps me remain calm. I don't know how to feel about my mother... I want to be mad at her, lay on her part of my guilt, but her point of view seems legit !

I'm learning how to be a good parent, and I would do anything for my daughter not to suffer anymore. My mother watched me fall down in darkness for months and she struggled to keep us financially stable while helping me get back on my feet. In the first weeks following Tris' disappearance, she watched me destroying myself, powerless. I could not feed, I could not drink, I could not sleep. She shook me up so strongly that I regained strength. For her. Seeing all of my mother's efforts, since my birth, to raise me as a single mother, to protect me and make me a young strong and bright woman, I started to feel guilty of having let myself fall into such darkness. From then, I did everything I could to get my life back.

And today, even though my mother hid an important information from me, I live in this beautiful apartment with my daughter and a devoted woman. I have Clarke. I have Tris. Soon I'm gonna get a degree. I have the perfect set of cards to win a blissful future. I have to play smartly.

"Your secret didn't keep me from finding my daughter," I declare. "I recently learnt it was useless to focus on the past. I'm looking toward this present tense with Clarke and Tris, and I'm working for the future.

My mother looks at Clarke and I, one after the other. I don't react. I've done my part. She has to do hers. Her stare finds our entwined fingers and her face is slowly covered with a veil I know too well.

"You find your daughter and a woman falls into your arms..."

It's enough. This comment is too much. I stand up abruptly, letting go of Clarke's hand.

"I met Clarke a while before I found my daughter, and you know what ? She's the only one who stayed ! Costia ran away ! You'd rather let us part these last few months than to tell me the truth ! Clarke ran too..."

This one stands up and grabs my hand, cutting me off. She's afraid of what I'm about to say, yet she has nothing to worry about.

"...but she came back. She bet her own life to get one for my daughter and I."

"It's beautiful, Lexa," my mother says, remaining calm, "but you also told me wonders about Costia in the first months of your relationship. You never could separate feelings and duty."

"I was eighteen and lost when I met Costia ! You think I'm still as stupid as I was ? After having a child and losing it once ! I'M MORE THAN CAPABLE OF SEPARATING FEELINGS FROM DUTY !"

I yelled so loud that the walls shook. My stepfather, quiet before, catches my mother's arm to keep her from standing. My mother is as strong-minded as I am. We rarely get mad, but when it happens, the argument is tough.

"Lexa..."

Clarke's comforting murmure begs me to calm down. Her free hand slides into my neck and I'm pushed into her eyes. Her blue seems paler than the first time I drowned in it. This blue seem calmer, more peaceful, tearless. Tears used to enlighten her eyes. I don't want some blue ocean if it involves a stormy sky.

This blue I see now fits her better. It looks more authentic. Natural color. The one that makes me want to snuggle against her and never let her go.

"Your mother only wanted to protect you, Lexa."

Abby's voice puts an end to our quiet staring session. Everyone's attention is on her. What she said, I knew. It's because I know my mother wants to protect me that the situation is so complicated.

"I heard yelling," she justifies, "Tris got scared."

"I'm gonna see her," I hurry.

"Wait, Lexa," Abby stops me when I walk beside her toward the corridor. "You should get some air, acting angrily never fixes anything, I do know it."

"I'll go with her," Clarke offers.

I nod and go check on my daughter. I don't really want to leave her with Abby while I go get some fresh air outside, but I can't let negativity fill the apartment. Tris' home.

"Tris ? Are you okay ?" I call her, entering her room.

Tris is sitting at her little desk, looking at an unfinished drawing of a forest. Her hands are entwined, laying on her thighs. I doubt the drawing is what's in her mind right now.

I kneel down beside her and lay a hand on her back to catch her attention.

"You scream," she finally says.

Her voice is sad, but her tone remains casual, as if it was normal to hear people scream.

"I'm not screaming now," I answer, "have you ever been yelled at ?"

She pouts. She does have something to say.

"Daddy and Echo yelled. And Echo yelled at me."

I'm not even surprised... how could I be ? Costia did everything the wrong way with Tris. I lean to take Tris in my arms and reassure her with a comforting hug and a few words.

"Echo isn't here. I'm not going to yell at you."

I kiss her temple and lift up to see if she understood. I rarely yell. Tonight, I lost my temper in front of my mother because my heart is struggling with two different truths. I'm going to do my best for this not to happen again. Clarke already helped me control my anger. It's obvious I'd be lost without Clarke. Tris and Clarke... I have so much to lose...

"Lexa ? Are you ready ?" Clarke calls.

She insists on getting me out of here and she's right. I'm boiling despite the comfort she and my daughter bring me.

"I'll be back, Tris. Abby stays with you. I won't be long, alright ?"

I see a glint of fear in her eyes but she fights it not to disappoint me. Or she's afraid I might yell at her, and in this case, I'm gonna have to make some efforts in order to win her complete trust.

I wait for Abby to go back to Tris before going out with Clarke. My mother stayed in the living room with her husband. I hope to be calm when I get back in order to make the right decision.

Outside, night has taken over. It's still early, but winter stole the last ray of sunlight. We're only a few steps away from the building when Clarke takes my hand and entwines our fingers.

We walk quietly. I take deep breaths of cold air. The quiet is invigorating for the simple reason that I share it with Clarke. We walk without knowing where we're going, and as I quietly wish to take her somewhere special, a place for the both of us, I have an idea.

I squeeze Clarke's hand for her to follow me. We change direction without breaking our peaceful silence.

Streets are calm. Students must have gone party in some bars, away from cold. Steam escapes Clarke's lips. This scene looks unreal. Her pale skin reflects the sweet light of the street's lampposts. Her eyes wear the veil of cold. Her lips are trembling, I hurry for us to arrive faster. Soon I turn toward a tiny ruelle. A ladder climbs the roof of a small building. If I had stopped in front of the building, Clarke could've noticed the front of a music store.

"You really wanna go up ?" Clarke asks me, finally breaking silence.

I nod and reassure her with a smile. I let her start climbing first and climb on the side of the ladder to make sure she doesn't make a bad move because of her injury and fall. It takes us ten minutes to climb the eight-feet-tall ladder. Once we're up on the roof, I rush toward a locker. I enter the code into the lock and take this one off to open the locker. I pull a blanket out of it, sit against the wall beside and invite Clarke to join me. She sits beside me, leaning against me, and I cover us with the blanket which soon starts to warm us up. Kept from winter's bitter cold, our muscles relax and we raise our heads up, our eyes filled with the thousands lights of the stars offered by a clean sky.

Clarke lays her head on my shoulder. We never took the time to go out together for no reason. I realise how important it is to spend time together with no aim but to appreciate each other's presence.

"My father and I used to look at the sky, most evenings. He told me every story about space he knew. I loved those peaceful moments when nothing on Earth mattered," Clarke admits.

Her voice is soft, I can feel she's at peace and I smile. She spoke about her father without pain nor guilt. She realises it too because she turns her head toward me.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe in us earlier," she apologises.

We were both uncertain. She doesn't have to apologise. The past few months were filled with mistakes from the both of us. I take her hand in mine. Her face softens, her eyebrows are slightly raised, her lips stretching in a small tender smile. My stomach twists, but not because of some terrible nauseous feeling. It twists to be more discrete and stop being so heavy in my belly. I feel light. I feel good. Clarke makes me feel this way. One smile and I'm happy. It's a great power only Clarke has.

"It took us time to start believing, and yet..."

Her hand gently leaves mine to lay itself on my cheek. My face instantly warms up and winter disappears. Clarke's soft expression is twisted with a frown.

"What my mother told you after she heard you scream... she was right. Your mother wanted to protect you, but it also goes for mine. I don't want to fight anymore. I want all of us to get along. I'm gonna tell that to my mother when we get back."

I understand what she intends to do. She also wants me to speak to my mother. And she's right. She's right to lead me to do it, because if I start another fight we'll never get out of it. We'll never really be happy. I nod, slipping an arm around Clarke's waist to make her body turn slightly toward me and face me.

"I will talk to my mother as soon as we get back."

My words relieve her from a harsh breath which, I'm sure of it, never reached her lungs.

"The person you are today is better than the one I met," she declares, getting an interrogating raised brow from me. "There's this super sexy girl, with a heated reputation. She burnt everything on her way and many envied her grades. This girl was always my type, but I never wanted to get too close to her. This girl wanted me in her sheets, that's what she told me. I was nothing but a sextoy to her."

I look down and swallow hard. I'm ashamed of this person, of whom pain led her to become. The hand on my face pushes it up, getting me to look up. I fall into Clarke's eyes and I find no anger, no disgust. Stars are reflecting deeply into her eyes. She's gorgeous. My heart is overwhelmed with a thousand more years of energy to beat. Clarke makes me immortal. It's how I feel it.

"This arrogant girl is still here inside you," she continues, "but the one I found and who I fell in love with is this gorgeous woman, clever, selfless, determined... I understand how damaged your heart is. It's so big it's been hurt by the love it made itself. I want to use this moment to promise you that I will protect it. Your heart... you, and your daughter. I love you Lexa, and I hope to be able to teach you how to love yourself."

A tear drops. It didn't have time to roll onto my cheek. It just fell. I have rarely ever cried from happiness as much as I have these past few days. How could I ever think that crying meant weakness ? Tears are a symbol of hope... crying allows one to let go of some despair, but also to show others how much one loves them. For Clarke, I shed my tears. Her monologue is so beautiful I'm replaying it over and over in my mind and engrave it in my memory. I will write it down. I will write it down to tell it and read it again and again.

"I feel like I've been knowing you forever," I laugh under the pressure of emotions. "I've never loved someone so strongly so fast. We're already living together, and soon... wedding ?" I joke.

She bursts out laughing. I close my eyes for my world to reduce to this sound. I can't believe my girlfriend's mother led us to this scene... I'm lucky to have Abby as a near mother-in-law. She's an excellent doctor and she likes me. If, while taking care of Tris, she had learnt about my relationship with her daughter and disliked me... it would've been complicated.

"You're the type to wait to be wed before you do it the first time ?" Clarke answers, her smile turning mischievous.

"No, I know I'll get the chance way before that."

She smiles and my smile grows wider, my cheeks hurting.

"But, you know," she says, "if you could cool things down with your mother so she could dislike me a bit less... seeing her despising me when she looks so much like you is really disturbing."

"Yes, yes," I nod, letting go of some strong laugh.

I tighten my grip on her waist to get her closer. I want her happy lips. I look up thinking I'm about to fall into her eyes, but she's staring at my own lips. I don't wait any longer and move ahead to go meet her lips with mine. I gently lay mine on hers, but delicacy soon drowns into the ocean of emotions which overwhelms her. Despite tonight's harsh family reunion, we remember how easy it is for us to be together.

We thought we'd have a complicated relationship at all times, and that's what scared us both, but in fact, when there is just the both of us, everything is more simple. I smile against her lips. She doesn't like this slight parting of our lips and catches my lower lip with hers. I then catch her upper lip, and this mutual biting make us slightly jump. Chills travel through my skin, chills so intense even cold can't bring.

Clarke chuckles, her chuckling covered by our kiss, and my tongue automatically comes to caress her lip as to catch her adorable laugh. She reacts instantly, mirroring my gesture. Our hands play above our clothes, our mouths starting a war for control, our breathing whistling war speeches.

We pull apart. After a long silent moment, I state "This place is very important to me. I often came during my first two years of studies. I liked to spend evenings alone looking up at the sky. But now... it's even more important to me.

Clarke inhales and exhales slowly, sign of an inner peace which hasn't left her since we walked out. It's time we go back, I promised Tris I wouldn't be long. I stand up, put the duvet back into the locker, lock the latter and get onto the ladder first to secure Clarke's descent. If her mother let her out, it means that she has nothing broken and that her injury is just an hematoma. Yet a big one.

Once we're down, our hands find each other and we walk home calmly, peaceful and happy. I took my decision. I want to make peace with my mother, ask her to get in touch with Tris' father and we're gonna arrange a meeting around a late Christmas table. It won't really be Christmas, but I want Tris to have her turkey, her chocolate, and some little toys. After what she's been through these past few months, she deserves it, and even though some toys were given for her bedroom, I want to by a few for her. I want to watch my daughter opening her presents. I want her to have her family with her while doing so. I want Clarke to be by my side for this Christmas catch up.

It's time we stick the pieces together and be a united family.


	15. Chapter 15

**It's nearly 5am and I'm finally uploading this chapter.**

 **Hi guys, hope you're doing well !**

 **It took me some time to write and translate this chapter. I have decided that there will be one more chapter plus one time-jump chapter (months later). Then the story will be over, but in a while I might write a chapter about them years later. I say _might_ , because I love the story, but I started writing this story in a difficult time and I've been struggling to finish it because of all the things it reminds me. That's why I've chosen to end it sooner than expected. It does not affect the plot, so don't worry about that.**

 **Here's a chapter I particularly like which took me months to write and then translate. I need to finish the story before the end of the summer so I can finally move on and hopefully write new stories.**

 **Enjoy the chapter, hope to see you soon !**

* * *

Lexa

I'm putting back all the books in proper order on the bookshelf. I was putting back the few books I used to study this afternoon at the library when I accidentally dropped half of the shelf' books. I'm anxious. I didn't need this clumsiness to become aware of it.

It's 6pm and I hurry home. Studies, work and motherhood all at once makes every day life difficult, I'd probably drown in chores without Clarke's help. The latter ended work at 4pm and went to fetch my daughter at school. It's the third time I let Clarke go get Tris. Since the surprise family reunion, I let Clarke help me with some duties. We live together as perfect roommates, sharing chores, fixing our schedules for Tris to never be alone, but there is one advantage - we share the same bedroom, the same bed. We haven't consumed our relationship yet and I surprise myself every night with the fact that I _want_ to sleep beside her. It became a need. We sleep better this way. We are more peaceful.

I have to say seeing Clarke getting happier every day makes her even more irresistible and makes it hard for me to keep the promise I made myself to not cuddle her too much at night. Her bruises have disappeared now, nothing keeps us from taking our relationship further, but I fear making the wrong move and scaring or disgusting her like I did after we met.

I enter the apartment, some pictures of my girlfriend scrolling in my mind, and am welcomed with a joyful scream of my daughter who jumps into my arms. I kiss her temple and hug her tight, reassured to find her so full of life.

Clarke appears too, but she doesn't seem as happy. She smiles, but she seems troubled. I worringly ask her what's going on with a short glance.

"He arrived early, your mother told him the wrong time," she explains.

She doesn't need to precise. I already know who she's talking about. My heart beats abruptly hard and a dose of anxiety flows into my veins. I thought I had time to relax before having to meet him. But at least, I won't have to see both him and everyone else at the same time - my mother, my stepfather, Abby... that's what I tell myself as I join the living room, my daughter still in my arms.

He's standing still, tight, prepared for my arrival. He stares at me and, for a very short moment, seems surprised. Surprised of what ? Of me not punching him in the face ? Maybe I should. But it's not what Tris wants. My daughter loves this man, I must give him the benefice of the doubt.

"Jake."

He nods slightly, his glance falling down on my daughter. Our daughter. Our ? Should I consider Tris ours despite the fact that Jake and I are nothing to each other ?

"I didn't know about the time, I told your girlfriend I could come back later if you wished..."

Well, at least Clarke presented herself. She clearly established our relationship, which relieves me. Jake is tall, his brown hair short, beard perfectly shaved, blue eyes, wide shoulder, athletic... if he clearly is not my type, he must be many's.

I turn toward Clarke, who is standing a few steps behind me. Her troubled look truly worries me. I lay Tris down and ask her to go play in her room for a few minutes, then I lay my hand on Clarke's shoulder for her to follow me into the corridor.

"You don't seem well."

She pouts, I can read in her eyes the struggle happening in her mind. She's not sure she should tell me the truth because she thinks I already have a lot to handle with the last events, but she feels my glance on her and doesn't want to ruin her promise to stop lying to me, so she admits :

"His name is Jake... like my father. I was a bit surprised to see Tris' father coming out of nowhere..."

Her eyebrows are slightly furrowed, she's clearly embarrassed. She is still learning to make peace with herself. Her guilt is still in her and the sole memory of her father triggers it. Tris' father had to have the same name as Clarke's...

"I do not want you to carry my family issues, not if they keep you from moving on. My mother, now my daughter's father... if you don't feel like spending the evening here you can spend it with your mother, I wouldn't be mad."

She seems outraged and I know I said the wrong thing.

"Are you kidding ? It's our late Christmas night. Our special night. My mother will be there, yours too, your stepfather, Tris, her father... we prepared this night together, we stay together."

She slips her hand in mine and hugs me tight, her forehead laying against my shoulder. Clarke is strong. And understanding. She pulls back and shows me Tris' room with a slight move of her hand. She goes there, and it's time for me to have this conversation everlastingly imagined these past four years.

Jake is still standing in the living room. I show him the couch for him to sit down while I pull a chair until I sit in front of him. I watch him. He came. His time to speak. Even sat, he stands straight. He stands like a man from the military. He must be in the army.

"I left Costia when I learnt you had found Tris," he explains.

I say nothing. I let him speak. I want to hear what he has to say before answering anything.

"I tried to contact you when I found out what Costia had done. She had told me about this friend who had accepted to carry a child in exchange for a certain amount of money to pay her student fees. I was crazy in love with Costia, I swallowed all of her lies."

"When ?" I abruptly ask. "When did you find out she had lied to you ?"

He hesitates. I already know I won't like the answer.

"Tris was one year old. I was just back from work. I'm in the army. Costia had a new lover every time I was away. I wanted to take Tris, leave with her to find you, but I didn't have enough time before my next call. I was about to go abroad again for a few months."

He was indeed in the army. This could explain why he had been so easily fooled by Costia - he was rarely home.

"I thought of telling the police everything, because I told myself that if they came to learn the whole story, they would take Tris from me and foster her, and there was no way I lost her. So I left for work again, and every time I came back home, I looked for you. It was everlasting and I couldn't trust anyone, the sole idea of losing Tris sickened me, but time was running out, Tris was unhappy with Costia, so... I told Tris Costia wasn't her mother, and that I was looking for her real mother, I made her promise to keep it a secret."

I swallow hard. My throat is sore and I almost choke. I thought I was allowed to be mad at him, he couldn't possibly have any excuse, and yet, all my doubts on Costia and Jake are now confirmed. Costia tricked us both. Jake told the truth, I felt it, because deep down, I had known as soon as Tris had talked about her Daddy.

He doesn't need to say any more. Everything makes sense. How I'd found Tris right on time to save her, how I had spent the past months without having a surprise visit from Costia, how I could get Tris' momentary custody despite my student status.

"You're the one who did it all. You tricked Costia back so I could find my daughter."

He nods. I won't thank him though, because it's hard to forget about stolen years.

"I was allowed to stay home longer when Tris got sick. Time was critical, I forced Costia to reveal your identity to me and I tried to contact your university to figure out if it was possible to arrange a meeting, but they don't take charge of this kind of matter, they don't care about the fact that a child might die. Though I got your mother's address, and the last part of the story, you know it already."

These last few informations I already knew about, but I let him explain, because I feel an idea coming.

"I will testify against Costia for things more-or-less serious which aren't all about you. With your own testimony, we should be able to get shared custody."

Shared custody ? He's kidding isn't it ?

"Before you refuse," he speaks again, "you must know that I only ask for one weekend every two weeks when I'm off of work, and if you're okay with it, I'd like to take my daughter on vacation for one or two weeks every year. I know you have time to catch up on with her, but Tris is also my daughter, and I want to be there for her as much as I can despite my job."

He then catches his tiny bag and pulls a small folded paper. I roll my eyes. He really have to go there...

"I will give you the same amount of money I gave Costia when I was away. Five hundred dollars each month. I also have a bank account for Tris, opened it after her birth. I put money aside for college later. I aim to elevate in the army and come back to work at the nearest camp as soon as my duty abroad is done. I know you probably don't want anything to do with me, but I don't intend to interfere in your personal life. I just want to make sure Tris has all she needs, and this includes her expensive medical fees."

He takes a deep breath, sign he's done talking. He's right on the fact that I don't want anything to do with him, but Tris needs her father and I can't refuse another kind of financial help.

I accept the first bill he hands me and stand up.

"We're gonna get this shared custody."

He slightly smiles, reassured by my answer. I leave him in the living room and go find my daughter and my girlfriend for us to start setting the table. The other guests should be arriving soon.

* * *

Clarke

I feel better seeing Lexa having dinner at the table with her mother without losing her temper. I'm sat on her left, while my mother sits on mine. Tris is sitting in front of me, her father sitting in front of Lexa. Lexa's mother is beside Jake, her husband on his stepdaughter's right. I never thought I'd find myself sitting with such a family so soon. Lexa's mother, who sends me enough glares for me not to dare ask her first name, sometimes heavily puts down the table items after using them. Lexa pretends to ignore her, but she sees her daughter jumps at the noise while she's laughing with her. Jake also ignores his daughter's grandmother and jokes too. The three of them chat together and I'm now sure Lexa doesn't hold any more grudge against Jake, it is only Costia now. I think deep down she was always mad at her, and her only, because Costia is the one she loved and the one who betrayed her.

Jake is nothing but a pawn on the chessboard, as well as Lexa. Tris is the king everyone wants to protect and have for themselves. Costia self-proclaimed herself queen, but she won't win Tris' custody. There will be no surprise on that. Everyone at this table knows it. I believe it even more since I put myself on that chessboard a few months back. My mother did so too. We both are the bishops of the game and will certainly not let the dark-souled queen take our little innocent king.

This analogy gives me an idea. A very bad idea which Lexa won't like. But I will do it anyway. And in order to do so, I'm gonna need a knight.

A hand is laid on mine. I drop my fork, putting down my knife on the edge of the plate and turning my head towards Lexa, who's staring at me smiling, her hand sliding deeper into mine.

"Haven't you heard ?" she asks me.

My round eyes show her I did not.

"Tris, repeat what you just told Clarke please."

A big smile shows Tris' little white teeth and she happily speaks up.

"I don't want Costia for my second mommy, I want Clarke !"

To repeat it amused her, but I'm not laughing. I intensely stare at her, eyes even rounder, and ask myself what she means by that though I know it perfectly. My girlfriend's hand is tight around mine and I'm slightly pushed to answer by my mother who taps my shoulder.

I grab my glass with my free hand and take a long sip of rosé which I swallow slowly, taking time to find my words. My glass laid down, I calmly explain.

"Well, Tris, I love you very much, I very much love your mommy too, and I'd by proud to take care of such a clever and pretty young lady like you every day."

I had avoided the word 'little' girl, because I know how frustrating it can be for a child to be called as such.

"I'm glad you take it this way, because I may have added you as a second parent to give more credit to my statement for the court." Lexa admits with a small smile partly awkward, partly amused.

She wears this smile which reminds me of the one she wore when she mocked me while being absolutely aware of the fact that she was facing death doing so. The crushing of the coackroach. But if I crush this coackroach, many little tiny Tris will come out of it. I already find myself with a kid to take care of, I can't have any more right now.

Not now. But deep down, the thought of having a big family with Lexa pleases me. It convinces me to accept the news with joy.

"If it can help you get Tris' custody, I'm all for it. But isn't Jake already the second legal tutor who you need to get your file right ?"

"No," he answers, "I asked for a shared custody but the times when I can take Tris with me depend on my leave, it's too unpredictable."

Annoyed of this boring chat, Tris stands up and runs up to the small green tree, nicely lent by Anya, which colorful electric garlands shine. She grabs a box at the bottom of the tree and runs to me.

"Tris, don't run so fast, or at least breathe as we showed you," Lexa orders.

Her daughter pulls out her tongue at her and comes climbing up onto my lap. I help her settle and push my turkey and potatoes dish away to make some room. She lays the box onto the table and turns her head towards mine, nearly hitting my chin.

"OPEENNN IITTT !" she screams.

I look at the other guests. My mother, Jake, Lexa. Bright smile in front of this happy little girl. Mrs Woods. Mister Mrs-Woods'-new-husband who doesn't dare to introduce himself seeing his wife's attitude. Silent. Cheerless. I decide to ignore the last two and open the box. Intuition makes me throw a glance at Lexa. HUH ! Here it is, the little smile on the corner of her lips ! This gift is from her, I'm sure of it.

"Why do I feel like you're going to mock me in a minute ?" I ask her.

She purses up her lips. She's clearly keeping a laugh in, worrying me on the inside of this small navy blue blox. She says nothing and I start to unbox not without apprehension. The small box contains another small box which, once open, uncovers another small box. I throw a glare at Lexa who pushes me to go on. Small useless box after small box, a tiny item appears, held tight at the center of the tiny last box with a thread of helix-shaped paper crossing the item.

A symbol. I look at Lexa, whose wide smile and burning stare prove to me how much this symbol matters to her. She pulls her long hair up, showing me the same symbol on her neck.

The infinite.

I pull my hand up to come brush the tattooed skin, but Lexa lets her hair down and comes grab the small item.

"We don't know what awaits us," she speaks up, "but right now, I'm extremely happy to be with you. This moment will last forever. Time will not take it from me."

She slides the thin ring on my middle finger. She seems so focussed at her task, as if she has dreamt of putting this ring on my finger.

"It's not a wedding proposal," she points out lightly, "it's a promise. Whether we choose to spend our lives together or not, I'll always be there for you. No matter how our story ends, if it does come to an end, which I absolutely do not want. I will be there. I won't let you go back to the little box you lived in when I met you."

So that was the box metaphor. Smart. I don't know what to think. It's amazing, isn't it ? She just put a ring on me with more meaning than a wedding ring. Right after telling me she had added me as her daughter's other parent. Real legal guardian. Not provisory. If Lexa obtains Tris' custody, one paper to sign and I adopt Tris.

The future really is unpredictable. But nothing will ever be as unpredictable as my sight of my own future a few months ago. Alone in my employee room, contemplating the vodka bottle as it rolled under the bed, I never imagined for one second that a coackroach would find its way into my room to make me run out of it. I ran away from this room. I ran away from my mother. I even ran away from the coackroach, but this coackroach became an amazing, brilliant, athletic young woman who wasn't afraid to have children because she already had one. I like this story better than _The Princess and the Frog_.

An abrupt move of the table made us jump in surprise. The attention suddenly goes on to Lexa's mother who leaves the room in cold calm. Silence. A short but everlasting heavy moment which hurts Tris. The latter says with a low, sadness-filled and fearful voice that she needs to pee. Still on my lap, I take her in my arms to carry her to the washroom, but my mother is faster at it than me. She gently takes the little girl who wraps her arms around her favorite doctor and they both disappear in the corridor.

"I'm gonna talk to her," Lexa's stepfather says as he stands up.

"No," Lexa answers harshly. "You join her and you leave, both of you. I'll talk to her tomorrow. One step of improvement. I asked her for ONE step."

I lay my ring-brightened hand on her shoulder, but Lexa is getting angrier and she stands up as well.

"What is it now for christ' sake !" she exclaims, her voice stifled by her maternal instinct not wanting her daughter to hear her yell again.

"Don't let one person ruin your night girls," Jake steps in.

I had forgotten about him. I had only seen Lexa, for a moment, this moment when she had confessed her love showing me the symbol which represented her, the infinite symbol tattooed on her neck, well hidden behind her long curly hair. I had only thought about Lexa, and of her daughter's weight on my lap, this little girl getting better every day. We're rebuilding our lives slowly.

"He's right," I tell Lexa.

One glance at Lexa and Jake is already grabbing his jacket lying on the couch.

"I'm gonna go. Thank you for inviting me tonight. You take care of Tris very well. Thanks to you, she's gonna be okay."

"Thanks to you too, Jake," Lexa admits.

Lexa wouldn't have found her daughter in time if Jake hadn't tricked fate.

He leaves the room and echoes tell us he's saying goodbye to Tris. The latter doesn't want him to go, but they will meet again very soon. He promises Tris in order to make her feel better.

It's just Lexa and I in the living room. The table shows what remains of our dinner, turkey and fries. Lexa's eyes darkened. Head low, she takes the turkey dish, ready to unset the table, but I stop her in her move.

"There's still dessert. If you leave the table now, we'll eat it all Tris and I. We won't even let my mother have some, and she'll be mad at you, she won't invite you for Thanksgiving, and Tris will be mad at you because she won't be able to go to Abby's without her mommy."

Lexa laughs. Slowly. Her tone low. But she does. I take her hand and pulls her to me, sliding a hand in her neck to brush this one tattoo which had been there all this time.

"It was just a stepfamily dinner," I underline, "what matters most, is now. You, your daughter, me, and my mother too. I won't let her leave without tasting the cake she bought."

Lexa's smile gets wider, her eyes finding again their glint of joy. I take that chance to add "Thank you. Your promise is amazing."

I also have a gift for her. I pull her until we reach the tree and lean down to grab a small green box that I hand Lexa. The latter take off the golden ribbon and open the small box, not without a suspicious look. She squints at the sight of the small item and I burst out laughing.

I feel her stare on me while I try to calm this wild laugh. I let out a long exhale and explain all at once "It's the brooch replica of the vodka bottle's plug which I had under my bed in _my small box_ , with a nice portrait of you engraved on top."

Her stare burns through me. Is she dismayed or stricken ?

"The engraving shows a coackroach," she describes calmly.

I burst out laughing again, louder this time. Tris walks in, with an energy showing the little girl would like to run but can't because of the pain in her tiny yet-to-fully-heal kidneys.

"MOMMY MOMMY MOMMYY ! YOU LIKE THE DRAWING ?!"

She comes to me and raise her arms for me to lift her up to her mother's height. She also wants to enjoy the show. Lexa's bewildered look will forever be engraved in my memory.

"You draw this Tris ?"

"We spent a day to make this brooch together," I explain, "Tris made the coackroach. She also thinks it looks a bit like you. It's got green eyes just like you !"

Tris laughs in my arms but her tiny hand is soon laid on her side. I keep myself from laughing again to avoid encouraging the kid to do so. The poor child can't laugh too loudly without her kidneys hurting. The surgery still is recent, but soon the pain will be gone, we tell her that every day.

"Clarke."

Lexa's death glare kills me. My lips are pinched, a painful frown on my forehead. It appears terribly difficult not to laugh in this situation. Tris giggles, her face hidden in my neck to keep herself from laughing out loud.

"You showed my daughter coackroach pictures, Clarke ?" she asks calmly, though the way my name clicks on her tongue clearly shows me her attempt at scaring me.

"No, I showed her real ones," I explain, my accuracy making Tris giggle again. "There are tons of them at my old work place. Didn't you notice them when you came straight into the kitchen to mock me ?"

The shadow of a smile appears on the corner of her lips. Of course she remembers. One last glance at the brooch and she closes the box.

"Thank you Tris, your drawing is great," she tells her daughter.

She lays a kiss on the latter's cheek, but the little girl's head barely moves. Lexa attentively looks in my neck. Her amused sigh makes me realise the child fell asleep.

"We'll eat dessert tomorrow at lunch ? She'll open her presents once she wakes up, as kids do on Christmas morning."

I nod and turn around to go put Tris to bed.

The little girl barely moves when I lay her under the blanket. I lay a gentle kiss onto her forehead, whisper 'good night' and leave the room, closing the door behind me. My mother appears in the corridor along with Lexa.

"You leave already ?" I ask my mother.

She hugs me and kiss my cheek in a loud noise.

"Everyone left and Tris is asleep, I won't intrude any longer. Enjoy your evening girls," she says shooting me a strong glance.

She leaves the apartment, and once the door is closed, it's just Lexa and I in the silent corridor. She nicely smiles and leaves me to go back to the living room. I follow her, see her turning off the tree's garlands. The small boxes on the ground await Tris. Lexa starts unsetting the table, I silently help her. We put the leftovers in the fridge and the dirty dishes in the sink. We'll clean up tomorrow.

"It wasn't exactly the Christmas Eve we had planned," Lexa says calmly.

Leaning againt the counter, she looks tired. Her lost stare suddenly finds me when she hears me giggle.

"I actually think it went well for a family dinner. At least your mother didn't kill me."

I only get a small smile from Lexa. She really is disappointed by her mother's behaviour tonight. I move to stand before her and grab her hands, which make her look up to me.

"She hasn't yelled once, Lexa. She left because something bothered her, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. She did throw me some death glares during dinner, but not when she left. It was about something else. You'll speak to her about that tomorrow."

Her eyes are covered with a foggy veil. I'd like to tell her everything is going to be fine, but after all that's happened, I can't do it. It wouldn't be right.

"I don't know, Clarke. My mother heartfully helped me after Tris' kidnapping. I found my daughter, I don't hold Jake responsible anymore, I became again the one I was before Tris' birth, I have a wonderful girlfriend... but a part of me still needs its mother. Said like this it sounds silly, but I love my mother, she loves me too I know it, so why does she...

Tears don't come out, exhausted as well, but I feel Lexa's sadness running down her words. My heart pinches, because when I made up with my mom I understood how much I needed her. The child within me still needs her mommy. It's not silly. It's normal to want a loved one by our side.

"You love your mother, your mother loves you... you said it yourself. It's already proof that you're going to make peace for good. Don't lose hope Lexa."

She nods gently and I know I managed to convince her. I give Lexa time to put her thoughts in order before I do anything. She still has something to say. I follow her thoughts through her eyes. Sadness turns into doubt, doubt into questioning, and questioning in a slight giggle.

"Abby threatened me before she left," she explains.

Threatened ? My mother loves Lexa !

"Yes," she adds, "she said now I'm healed and your bruises are gone, I better take you to the movies, to the restaurant, and end the evening how it should be ended."

She giggles and I follow her into her laugh. We had lunch a few times together my mom and I and we talked a lot. She confessed having a new blossoming relationship with a certain coworker, then she took her shot and asked me if Lexa and I had took another step in our relationship. I had admitted under her questioning look that we hadn't.

"Did you tell her that you tried to get me to hook up with you with a free drink the night we officially met ?"

She bites her lower lip, I feel she does it to keep a joke in.

"I'm sure your mother gave Tris her meds earlier for her to fall asleep fast."

I answer with a giggle. I wouldn't be surprised, my mother is absolutely capable of discretely slipping some meds to anyone, so a distracted child, it's definitely likely.

"Well, let's enjoy the time we were given then," I declare, leaning to fondly kiss Lexa.

She smiles against my lips and wraps my waist in her arms, but I stop her, taking her hand to pull her out of the kitchen.

"Not in the kitchen," I add with a wink.

"With you I wouldn't mind," she laughs.

I let her hand go with a fake disgusted face thinking of the kitchen full of dirty dishes. I walk into the bedroom and take off the shirt Tris drooled over when she fell asleep in my arms earlier. A slight _clic_ indicates me Lexa just silently closed the door. We don't want to wake Tris up, even though her treatment pushes her in a deep sleep every night.

Lexa watches me while I get a comfy outfit for the morning. I lay it on the nightstand beside the bed. When I turn toward Lexa, I find her staring at my bra. I roll my eyes and step closer to her.

"You always made the first move before, ready to jump on me any time. And now, you stay still staring at me," I notice.

Lexa smiles. A wide happy smile. Her glance is brightened by a mischievous glance but her smile stays pure.

"I'm not jumping on you because now I respect you," she says, amused.

I take her hand gently and lift it up into the air, entwining our fingers.

"You're still a coackroach," I joke.

" _Your_ coackroach."

She suddenly grabs my waist, lift me up and I'm against her, catching her lips. She carries me to the bed and I giggle feeling her strong abdomen muscles against my belly. She's not a kickboxing champion for nothing. She lays me down carefully, smiling like an idiot above me.

Her idiotic smile doesn't last long. It softens when a small frown appears between her brows. Her stare seems to create a protective cloud around me. Her hand slides onto my cheek. For an instant, I feel like she's about to say something, but her slightly open lips just let out a short sigh, and at last, Lexa gives up on her talking attempt and her lips find mine again.

She doesn't need to speak. I already know what she thinks. I feel it in her gestures, I feel the words between her lips sliding against mine. I give her those silent words back softly, not without seeking skin contact with my hands taking off the clothes keeping me away from it. Our coordinated moves allow us to find each other quickly. Skin against skin, the sighs of our silent words clinking, we let the past months fly around us, we feel them as thin fresh wafts caress our skins until they disappear while warmth wrap us up.

I really do love her.

These are the simplest and silliest words I could ever say, but I don't say them, I give them, I give Lexa these words which she understands, and I understand she understands thanks to her content sighs.

I laugh, tickled by Lexa's kisses in my neck. My laugh makes her laugh, I hear her and feel it on my skin. The brooch with the coackroach drawing briefly comes back to my mind and disappears right away as I silently admit that Lexa will never be a coackroach, neither for real, nor metaphorically speaking.

I bring Lexa's face back to mine while her hands are seeking for me. I need to make her understand that, right now, she's the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and she is mine.

No need of a paper to say it. No need of a ring, nor a coackroach brooch. Our gifts are awkward, but we do know what we want to tell each other, and we show it perfectly well.

She is mine, I am hers. And we prove it to each other again and again doing everything we can to be as discrete as possible. She is mine, I am hers. And we have a sleeping little girl who will wake up in a few hours with parents there to help and reassure her.

But until then, there are hours to spend with my woman, entwined in the sheets.

I cannot think. It's vain.

There is only her, her sighs and her body against mine.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hi guys,**

 **it's finally here, chapter 16 ! It's time for me to say that next chapter will be the last. I hope you'll like this chapter despite the time it took me to post it. See ya !**

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Clarke

A short jolt running through my fingers. A thin warm current. Electric. It slides up my hand, my wrist, my arm. I slightly open my eyes, not sure I want to let go of sleep yet. The clock's red glow blinds me and I find out it's already seven-thirty in the morning.

The jolt in my sleeping hand fades as I stretch it a bit, brushing Lexa's arm, the latter still deeply asleep beside me. I slide closer to her, enjoying her warmth without worrying about waking her up. Tris is going to wake up soon. We were right to put a couple of clothes on, because usually Tris is already awake, appearing in our room to ask us to help her use the toilets.

The creaking of a door makes Lexa slightly jump but doesn't wake her up. I listen closely, imagining Tris come in as soon as the noise is heard. I wait, and this time I hear the flush. I think of getting up, curious and worried, but the noise of water flooding from the faucet comes in and I realise Tris decided to do this on her own this morning.

I guess I was right because the little girl slides into our room and climb onto the bed, wiping her eyes with her hands smelling of vanilla soap. She comes lying close to her mother and I leave her some room so she can lie safely. I decide to get up to prepare breakfast, leaving them one more peaceful moment.

The way Tris has come to rest in Lexa's arms stings my heart, because every time it happens I think about these lost years of maternal love. Was Costia such a bad mother for Tris to love Lexa so quickly ?

I, myself, got attached pretty fast, our troubles put aside, and I understand now that, despite the similar looks, Tris trusted Lexa quickly because Lexa seems trustworthy, when she doesn't act like a jerk. I laugh alone in the kitchen thinking about Lexa's mischievous smile when she was still trying to buy me that drink to cleanse her hurt pride.

There is something special about Lexa. She's special. It may be what made our relationship grow so fast, or maybe we just couldn't get throught our personal wars alone.

I make a quick breakfast. Tris still has to open her presents and I need to tell Lexa about my plan. I can't keep this to myself, Lexa is part of it and she'll be mad at me if I did something like that behind her back. I do not want to ruin our relationship when we're doing so well.

I bring the meal onto the table and go back to the bedroom. Tris holds onto her mother as if, in her sleep, she was scared the latter would disappear. I walk close to them and slowly shake Lexa's shoulder, Tris' hand suddenly gripping Lexa's shirt. Lexa opens her eyes and, as she finds me leaning above her, she understands the one pinching her skin is her daughter. She slowly turns around, shaking Tris to make her leave her dreams. She kisses her forehead and takes her in her arms to carry her to the living room.

I follow them and sit at the table while Lexa lays a sleepy Tris onto a chair. Lexa stares at her for a few seconds then, frowning, sits down beside her daughter, giving me a skeptical look.

"Are you sure your mother didn't give her more than just her usual prescription ?" she asks me while seeing Tris' exhaust.

I push the small cereal boxes toward Tris for her to choose the one she wants this morning, then frown too.

\- My mother isn't like that, she wouldn't have raised a kid's meds' dose to make her sleep more. Her adding another med, on another hand...

Lexa doesn't answer, but I feel her doubt. She will probably tell my mother about that. Don't tell me Mom drugged the child who could become her granddaughter...

...the day I sign that last, one paper. A spark makes my stomach on fire at the thought of officially becoming Tris' parent. This little girl is amazing and I know I want to help her grow up healthily, no matter how my relationship with Lexa evolves. Tris deserves a true family, a family which loves her, and it is to say that with three parents, a grandma to give her tons of presents, and all of our friends who love her, Tris will never miss anything.

"I'm going to take a shower," Lexa says, leaving the table, "can you take care of Tris ?"

I nod and let her leave the living room. Lexa still seems worried about Tris' prescription. The little girl is calmly eating.

"Did you sleep well Tris ?" I ask her.

She nods while chewing her cereals.

"Tell me, do you remember how many tablets Abby gave you last night ?"

She pouts, then raise a hand to her lips, focus appearing slowly in her eyes.

"Eight !" she exclaims.

It's the usual number...

"Abby gave you something else along with those ?"

Tris thinks one more moment, taking time to remember what happened last night before she fell asleep in my arms.

"Yes ! She gave me tea !" she exclaims again.

"Tea ?" I ask suspiciously.

"She said it makes you have beautiful dreams."

I close my eyes, keeping a long sigh in. I see what Tris is talking about. My mother used to do that to me when I was a kid and wouldn't sleep. She would make me drink an infusion which knocked me out until morning. It's not dangerous when well prepared, but I'd rather have my mother keep her infusions away from my girlfriend's daughter.

I stand up, having barely touched my cup of coffee, and I tell Tris to calmly finish her breakfast. I walk fast to the bathroom from which we can hear the sound of water flooding from the shower head. I slip into the room, Lexa's silhouette appearing through the curtain.

"Good morning," I point out knowing we didn't have time to talk this morning before Tris woke up.

Water's noise abruptly stops and the curtain opens. I grab the towel while Lexa steps out of the shower onto the bath mat. I wrap her tenderly into the towel while she stares at me with curiosity.

"Tris is fine, she's finishing breakfast. My mother made her drink an infusion last night, the kind she gave me to make me sleep when I was a kid. Tris will survive," I joke to relax Lexa.

Lexa looks down. I feel she would've laughed too, but the worry she feels whenever Tris is involved keeps her from it.

"If you could tell your mother to avoid doing that," she says clamly, "I do not want anyone to make my daughter drink odd things behind my back. I know your mother is a great doctor, but-"

"I know, Lexa," I agree and lay a hand on her wet cheek. "I'll tell my mother about it. For now, there's something I'd like to talk to you about..."

Lexa raises a brow and I realise there's no good way to start on this topic.

"I know what your file needs to make sure you get Tris' custody."

She stares at me, doubtful.

"What's that ?" she ends up asking.

"Costia's guilt," I say without a doubt.

She suddenly steps back as she hears this name. Fury appears in her eyes and I instantly walk close to wrap my arms around her.

"Nothing bad will happen, don't worry," I reassure her. "I thought Jake and I could go talk to her, make her understand she will only make it worse for her if she takes the non-guilty plea, considering the raising number of charges against her."

"No," Lexa says harshly without leaving my embrace. "Clarke, do not get into this. I do not want Costia to meet you, to see you, I don't want her to-"

"She'll see me at the trial anyway."

I slip a hand in her neck to make her relax again. I feel her anxiety and understand it. It's rational. Tris' custody is in the middle of it all, the life of a little girl caught up in the netting of a cruel adult.

"I'm coming," Lexa whispers.

"Lexa, you cannot take the risk..."

The glow in her eyes cuts me off. Her vulnerability keeps me from refusing her request, as the promise we had made had kept me from going on with my plan behind her back.

"Alright, we'll go see her, the three of us. I'm gonna call Jake, he must know how to contact her. I'm also gonna ask my mother to take Tris."

Lexa nods and I pull her against me. We can't let Tris alone any longer, but I wish to enjoy Lexa's arms for one more moment. I hug her tight, her fresh skin smelling of almond soap. My lips can't keep themselves from laying on her neck, then slowly joining Lexa's.

We both can't wait to see the end of the trial, the verdict spoken. So we can move on. Lexa answers the kiss with a sweet softness. The desire of a morning just for the two of us isn't discrete, but we still have many things to do, and a little girl to take care of.

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Lexa

We just dropped Tris at Abby's. I had offered to let Indra take care of Tris if Abby was too busy, but my mother-in-law loves my daughter. I made her promise to never make my daughter drink an infusion again before we left.

Tris asked where we were going again, and I was honest with her. I explained that we were going to see Costia and couldn't take her with us because we didn't want Costia to hurt her.

It's not wrong. We just hit the road and I'm already scared to be hurt by Costia. Seeing her again will hurt me, I know that's the reason why Clarke didn't want me to come, but I can't let Clarke face Costia without knowing her. I may have been fooled by Costia, but I know her personality.

The drive is quiet. We have to meet Jake at an address three hours away from home. He didn't tell Costia about us coming, at the contrary, the latter thinks she's going to see Tris... this lie has built a wrecking ball inside my belly. I let Clarke drive and close my eyes during the majority of the drive to get some rest and keep calm.

Clarke's kind hand on my cheek wakes me up once we arrive. We're parked in front of a building in a street which other side meets a line of houses. This place seems peaceful, but I already know my meeting with Costia won't be.

I get out of the car and Clarke gives me her hand which I take in mine straight away. This time I have leverage. I'm not alone.

Jake is waiting for us before the building and shows us the way. He tells us Costia explicitly told him to park on the other side of the building, on the parking lot she can see from her window for her to be aware of their arrival, giving Jake the idea to park on the wrong side of the building.

Clarke throws me a curious look. She already doesn't take Costia seriously and is asking herself how I could be fooled by a woman so easy to trick. I'm asking myself... but I know it's my feelings which really tricked me, and not Costia herself. If I hadn't loved her so much, I would've understood early in our relationship that Costia was using me.

We follow Jake upstairs. When he stops in front of a grey door, my stomach twists. Time has come. I am not ready to see her again. For a long time I've thought of how I would feel about seeing her again, of what I would tell her. But it was at that time when I was still looking for an explanation to her betrayal, when my daughter's disappearance was digging a gigantesque hole into my chest.

I do not feel the need to get answers, because I already have them. I fear making a mistake seeing Costia today, but I couldn't let Clarke go alone, with or without Jake, and it is time to put an end to this story. For things to get in order, I must face Costia today. Clarke and I stay a few feet away from the door while Jake is waiting in front of it. The bell echoes from the other side of the wall. Footsteps resonate against what seems to be some fake wood flooring. The door opens. Costia appears, finding Jake on her doorstep.

"Where is Tris ?" she asks.

I see her from the side, eyes round, a sketch of a furious look drawn on her face. Her brown hair is barely combed. Her look shows me how much she doesn't care about my daughter. I step forward, keeping in my anger and pain which are twisting my heart.

I'm finally facing her after all these years.

"Hello, Costia," I declare solemnly, but with some nausea of hate in the throat.

Her face falls, and I realise that, this time, I am the one who tricked her. We are. Clarke, Jake, and I.

"You won't answer ?" I add as she stays silent. "You have nothing to say to me since you kidnapped my daughter ?"

My words bite and I feel her step back into her apartment, red burning her skin, anger on her face.

"She's not your daughter," she bites back, "you made her sick just by giving birth to her."

Huge slap. I clench my jaws, my shoulders tightening. My heart is falling apart once more, because Costia is right and the unfairness of her words makes me crazy. I step forward, ready to walk into the apartment to spit at her face all the hate I've kept in because of her these last few years. I hurt more knowing there's nothing I can say or do to make Costia suffer as much as I suffered, because the latter doesn't have enough empathy to hurt as much. She manipulates people without feeling once all the love and admiration they can feel for her, then throw them away when she got what she wanted. Costia cannot hurt like me, that is what allows her to be so cruel towards others.

A hand closes around my forearm, and Clarke's fragrance invades the air around me. She keeps me from making the last mistake.

I'm here to talk. Nothing else.

"My DNA have made Tris sick," I answer slowly, "but you, your only presence disgusts and scares her."

Costia's grip on the handle tightens and I feel like she's about to slam the door at me to escape this debate she cannot win. Then Jake steps forward and calmly push Costia back into the apartment. He invites us in. He puts in place a talk in the living room.

His chair is on the side, equidistant from Costia's and mine. Clarke has her chair against mine and she took my hand in hers, ready to pull me back if the need to hit Costia becomes too strong.

Costia's glare on Clarke makes the latter present herself, and it relaxes me to know I'm with someone here.

"I'm Clarke, Lexa's girlfriend who helps her raise the kid you were supposed to raise with her."

Clarke's audacity makes me smile and allows me to take a break from this hellish talk.

"Why did you come, Lexa, Jake ?" she answers, now ignoring my girlfriend.

"We came to show you the truth," says Jake.

She laughs, and my hand tightens around Clarke's, strongly, then I try letting go in fear of breaking it, but Clarke holds my hand, strongly, because now is not the time to let go.

"Tris won't testify in your favor," Jake speaks again. "Neither will I, nor Lexa, or anyone who knows the kid. You could go to prison for what you've done, Costia. If this case goes deeper than the question of the child's custody, you'll lose your freedom."

"And why do you tell me this ?" she spits.

Even as despiteful as she is Costia still is beautiful. Tears sting my eyes and nose at this thought. This horrible woman in front of me was once my whole life, the future I was seeing so beautiful, blossoming, and who is still trying to ruin me today.

I won't let the tears drop. Not in front of her.

"I know you're gonna try to ruin everything," I say. "You're gonna make up whatever evil plan for me not to get Tris' custody, you'd do anything to win. Today, we came to warn you. You cannot win. There is more to win than Tris' custody, and with what we have against you you have no chance."

She laughs. She laughs loudly, and I feel pushed off my chair by the hatred I feel towards her. Her mean laugh which I cherished before, her brown hair I loved to feel running between my fingers, her skin between white and tanned, this shade I had found so beautiful I could never describe it, her warm eyes, her shining smile, her high-pitched voice, the opposite of Clarke's, which had promised me everything to take even more from me. This woman had made me crazy in love with her, to make me crazy afterwards. This woman I had loved at an incredible intensity is laughing at my face today while my pain is posted in front of her.

I want to make her suffer. I will never make it. I want to try.

"Lexa, sit down please," Clarke's calm voice whispers in my ear as her body hides Costia from my sight.

Her hands are on my thighs and her clear eyes deep into mine. Clarke is the opposite of Costia. She put me through hell at the beginning of our relationship, throwing me away like a dirty towel, to help me with all her soul to find my daughter and keep her with me.

"I loved her, Clarke," I whisper, my voice very low.

So low I wonder if Clarke heard, but her eyes soften and I can read my pain in her eyes, my pain she feels too in this moment, because Clarke knows empathy and regularly shows me she does. Her hand is laid on my cheek, stopping my chin which, I realise it now, was trembling.

"Go do that elsewhere," Costia's hellish voice echoes behind Clarke, "and leave me the fuck alone. We'll meet at court."

"COSTIA !" Jake, who stood up too, warns her. "I'll tell you this once - give up on Tris' custody, leave her out of your business, and I won't press charge against you. I have enough proof, you know that, of all your lies, cheat, identity thefts to get some money out of you. You're pathetic and you have no chance of winning."

Jake's speech has some impact - Costia's face turns white and Clarke, who has put herself beside me, takes back my hand with hope. Costia stands up, since she has been the last one sitting, and lays on me a sharp stare.

"You have nothing of a mother, Lexa. Tris' doctors have seen your weakness, they'll know how to communicate the truth on your uncommon profile and you won't get-"

"There's no need Costia," Clarke intervenes, suddenly amused. "You abandoned Tris at the wrong hospital. If you wanted to appear convincing today, you should've looked it up. The doctor in charge of Tris' care, she's my mother, and she won't let her granddaughter down for a crazy woman."

Costia doesn't say anything. Costia doesn't remind me of anything. We could write _Error 404_ on her face. She hadn't planned this meeting, neither did she have a plan. If Costia knows me well, me and my weaknesses, she doesn't know the people around Tris. All these people who appeared in the child's life since I found her. Abby, Clarke, all of our friends... an entire army fighting for a little girl. An army Costia doesn't have and cannot predict, because she doesn't know it.

Clarke pulls my hand to get me out of here. There is nothing more to say. Jake is the last to leave the apartment. Outside, I see at his face he hasn't taken well either this meeting with Costia. The woman who cheated on us both.

"I'll call you next week to discuss our meeting with the judge," he tells us.

He waves briefly and walks to his car. He didn't feel like talking about this meeting, which I understand perfectly. We don't know yet if Costia will give up or try to trick us again, but we know at least we will be able to fight back, and we can win.

Clarke waves for me to follow her to the car. Seeing my exhaustion, Clarke decides to take us to some dinner she saw on the side of the road when we first came here. We do not talk. She gives me some time to get my mind settled back after the clash.

I feel she lacks strength too. She got tired of seeing me exhausted and offers to stop at a motel for the night. It's not late, but we both don't have the energy to drive for hours in order to be back tonight.

Clarke calls her mother to get news about Tris, then chats a bit with Octavia while I take a shower. When I'm out of the bathroom, Clarke says goodbye to her long-time friend. I know she worries about me. I want to reassure her, tell her everything's alright, but I can't. Words don't come out.

She comes close, embraces me, and I finally let go. I bury my face in her neck and hair, I hold her close, recognise her curves, and tears I thought I would feel dropping don't, because I have into my arms Clarke's curves, not Costia's, and I realise Costia's abandonment led me to Clarke.

Clarke. She is more important to me than Costia. More important than Costia would have ever been to me, I'm sure of it. I already got acquainted with Clarke's bad side, her anger, her despise, her attempts at hurting me to make me get away from her. I know who Clarke is. In just a few months I learnt to really trust her. I saw her intentions towards me. I know Clarke will never do what Costia did to me.

I had trusted Costia and despite all the time spent together, I had been fooled.

It's the most important I think. Not the amount of time spent on falling in love and learning to trust, but the truth we feel in it.

I thought I had seen some happy future with Costia, I'm living it with Clarke.

Clarke doesn't just promise, she makes her promises happen.

"You'll be free from this case soon, Lexa," Clarke whispers into my ear.

I lift my head up, meet her eyes. Her face softens when she finds my eyes shining with tears which refuse to drop.

"She doesn't care," I finally manage to say.

These words hurt my throat as they come out, I swallow hard to ease the pain, but it is only more painful.

Clarke lays her hand on my cheek. She smiles. She smiles, as if she herself didn't care about Costia. Then, she answers "We don't care about her. We don't need her, Lexa. She bet her soul and lost it. She doesn't have anything left."

She plays with a strand of my wet hair, watching me tenderly. Clarke is right. I have suffered enough. Clarke managed to start to grieve healthily with no self-harm. I can do that too. I don't need the pain of the abandonment anymore. Tris is safe with her true family. A woman is currently supporting me and loves me despite my mistakes.

"We don't care," I state too.

These words whispered, I lean forward and, with a smile on my lips, grab Clarke's. I've just realised. We are in a motel room for the night. Clarke chuckles against my lips. She was probably waiting for me to notice it. She pulls me towards the bed without letting go of my lips, then takes off her top.

Costia disappears from my mind. I absolutely don't care.

I have Clarke, her smile, her body, and an entire intimate night with her before we have to go get our daughter back tomorrow morning.


	17. Epilogue

**Hi,**

 **here we finally are. It took me a while to finish it, and now the last chapter is translated, I can finally move on.**

 **Thanks to everyone who kept reading despite the long period of waiting. I hope you'll like this ending.**

 **See you around ! :)**

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Clarke

A ray of light blinds me when I attempt to see if Tris is around. No sign of her. Of anybody.

Lexa's breath tickles my neck.

"I'm not sure we had a good idea hiding here," I tell her.

She laughs quietly. We were tight in the closet's cupboard, not that it bothers Lexa who lets her hands wander on my thighs. She's curled up beside me. Our muscles will soon start to ache.

"She's going to have a hard time finding us," she answers.

Screams let us guess Tris found one of her little friends. Gladly, this apartment was bigger than the last one. On the ground floor with a small balcony, this apartment seems perfect for us to live comfortably for a while, but Lexa hasn't kept from me her desire to have a house on the town's edge, where it's peaceful. Since the trial, our life greatly changed. Lexa has just started her career in politics, making her debute at the Maire office with the first stable job she could find. She brilliantly graduated, grades honored by the entire promo, because even though she isn't major, she did have amazing grades for a young mother.

I watch her in the cupboard's darkness. I regularly tell her I'm proud of her, whenever she doubts her abilities, I can't help it. We got back from hell in a year and a half.

"I think she only has to find us now," I realise as I hear Tris screaming _MOM, CLARKE, I'M COMING !_

"I think we still got time," Lexa whispers.

She kisses my neck and I try to get slightly away, but there isn't enough room in this small cupboard.

"Lexa, if she finds us while we're-"

An opening door's noise shuts me up. She's in the room next to the one we're in. If she finds us in the next ten minutes, Tris will win this hide-and-seek game. Finding everyone in less than a half-hour. Tris is smart, she's obviously going to win, especially on her birthday.

She isn't the kind to give up, just like her mother.

"Lexa, stop," I giggle.

I slightly jump when her lips pinch my skin. My elbow knocks the wood. As soon as the noise echoes, little steps are heard and the closet's door opens wide, blinding Lexa and I. The cupboard's doors quickly open as well.

"I knew it !" Tris yells. "DADDY ! RAVEN WAS RIGHT !"

A feminine voice rises up from the living room. Raven sings her victory while Lexa and I get out of the cupboard, our legs sore. Tris laughs out loud and starts singing too.

"Congrats, you won," Lexa congratulates her, leaning to kiss her forehead.

Tris steals a hug from her mother and runs away to join the others. Lexa throws me an amused glance. We had decided a month earlier to make a special birthday for Tris. Her friends from school are here today, as is Jake, my mother, and Lexa and I have invited our close friends. I smile back, amused by our daughter's liveliness. Lexa takes my hand and we go join everyone in the living room. I adopted Tris three months ago. It took less time than I thought it would. When the judge announced Costia's defeat, our life really started. We had to see bigger. We looked for a new apartment while Lexa was finishing her last year of school. Tris was able to spend a few weekends with her father, leaving us some time alone.

Jake is a great father, always sending Tris letters every week when he's on a mission abroad. He's not working right now, and he has planned to take Tris on a four-day holiday in a wildlife park. Lexa was afraid at first, but I reminded her that Jake is used to living in the wild and it reassured her - I think.

We never talked about _us_. About the fact that we're still together, that we are naturally planning our future together, without ever asking if the other wants it too. It's obvious. For now, we just started our lives as working adults, but I already know what Lexa wants, and I want it too. I feel like she thinks about it a lot, she probably is now too, as she entwines our fingers while we walk into the living room, and as everyone notices it.

"Don't tell me my daughter found you doing things in the closet," Jake coldly speaks out.

He always makes that face when he's joking. I sometimes laugh about it, because he reminds me of Lexa. They often throw this little deadpan game. Lexa wins, most of the time, when I don't find fun in disturbing her.

"Tris never heard us do anything," Lexa speaks back on an accusatory tone.

Tris once told us she sometimes heard some weird noises coming from her father's bedroom. Jake then admitted having a new girlfriend and promised not to do anything when Tris would be staying with him, during the few weekends planned for him. Lexa still mocks him about it once in a while, because Jake is soon to be promoted and won't have to go abroad anymore. This means, as Lexa often underlines it, that he has to learn discretion if he wants to keep the balance between his daughter and his girlfriend.

"Do we eat the cake or what ?" Raven asks to stop the deadpan game between Tris' biological parents.

"THE CAKE !" the latter yells.

"We weren't supposed to eat it before another hour but if Tris wants to," I answer.

The other six kids yell to get some cake too and I go get it in the kitchen. Luna and Raven follow to help me.

"I understand where the kid's energy comes from, seeing the parents," Raven points out. "Impossible !"

"Your kids will be worse," I mock her nicely.

"It's already planned that Luna will be the biological mother. She's way more calm !"

"We didn't talk about kids," the other woman defends herself, offended.

I laugh, nearly dropping the cake when I get it out of the fridge.

"You can laugh Griffin, but you already have a kid," Raven points out again.

"When's the next one for ?" Luna adds.

We already talked about family, with Lexa, even though we haven't planned it yet. Lexa just finished her studies and I count on growing professionnally before planning another pregnancy.

I think if we were to have children together, I'd be the first to get pregnant. I often imagined myself having a kid, and I know that my mother would like a biological grandkid so she can tell everyone the Griffins have great DNA. However, I feel like Lexa needs to go through another pregnancy up to an healthy birth. It would be hard for her, and I wouldn't force her to do it, but pregnancy is a demon which has been possessing and consuming Lexa for years. Since she woke up alone at the hospital, her girlfriend gone with her newly-born daughter.

I want to help her beat it. We'll get there, in a few years. I don't see myself living any other way than with Lexa and Tris. Not after everything that has happened to us. We have fought to get where we are today.

"Wait, I'm gonna light on the candles and bring the cake," Luna tells me.

Abruptly pushed out of my _rêverie_ , I let her pass. Her lighter in hand, she lights on each candle and I go back to the living room to prepare the camera. The children are laughing, except one who seems unhappy. Another child, Dean, mocks him and a fight starts. I see Lexa open her mouth to intervene, but Tris does it first.

"IT'S MY PARTY YOU DON'T FIGHT !"

Both boys suddenly shut up. We are all surprised by Tris' reaction.

"She does have her mother's personality," Anya says, amused as she sees an astonished Lexa.

I join Lexa and pull her hand to place her for the picture. Everyone follows. We form a big group of people. My mother comes to stand beside me, as Lexa and I kneel down in front of the coffee table, Tris running to stand between us, impatiently waiting for her cake.

The big lights are turned off, leaving the only light on the wall which brightens a bit the grey daylight. Turning my head I notice Matt took the initiative of turning the lights off at Luna's appearance with the cake. Raven comes forward to stand in front of us with the camera.

The cake laid onto the table, the candles' light reflects into Tris' amazed eyes. The song echoes into the room. _Happy birthday to you_. Tris is about to blow the candles. _Thre, two, one_... the lights disappear. Clapping is heard. When I look up, Matt changed place with Raven to let her take part in the picture. We take a few more group photos, Lexa and I attacking Tris with kisses, then Matt comes to take care of the cutting and sharing of the cake.

Tris chats happily with her school mates. To see her so full of life after having been so sick warms my heart. Tris grew up and looks more and more like Lexa, some details aside. It doesn't seem to bother Jake, who loves his daughter more than anything else in the world.

"Can you believe it, she's six..." Lexa whispers beside me.

I take her hand, full of pride.

"You gave birth to such an amazing little girl... I guess I'll never say it enough."

I laugh, holding her hand, sometimes still having trouble realising I'm educating a child with the woman I love.

"THE CAKE !" Raven yells again, oddly looking at me.

I look at Lexa, who throws at me her annoying mischievous smile. Matt gives their slices to the kids, then comes to give me a plate. I wonder why I'm given a slice first in the adult group, but he goes away to serve the others.

I take the spoon and dive it into the three-chocolate cake. A glint between the dark mousse makes me frown. I use the spoon to touch it. There's something in my slice. I throw a glance at Lexa. She raises a brow. I start looking into the slice with the spoon, and get out of it a small thin item. I lay the spoon to take it with my fingers, getting the brown mousse off of it.

My mouth opens wide as I discover the item. I look up and fall onto Lexa's wide smile.

"You already signed Tris' adoption paper," she explains. "I thought you had one last paper to sign in order to make us a family in the eye of the law."

No noise in the audience. Lexa falls onto her knees, without letting her stare leave mine.

"Will you be my wife ?" she finally asks.

That's what Lexa always wanted. A family who loves and supports her. When I met her, I couldn't possibly imagine Lexa getting married. She didn't seem the kind to want marriage and children. And yet... she needs it. She doesn't only want to feel loved, but also healthily protected. United through law, Costia could never do anything against us again. She would have to become violent to get to us, and even then, she knows enough of Lexa to be aware of the fact that she's hard to defeat in physical combat.

She already showed Jake her defense skills against a person carrying a simple weapon or a gun, from close to far distance. Let's just say Lexa is more talented than a secret agent used to slip into ennemy territory. She's fierce when it comes to protect herself and her loved ones, but still hides her many doubts from the world. Doubts I uncover and soothe.

Many see marriage as a promise towards the future. I actually think it's a need towards present time. The need to feel protected. I cannot predict the future, but I know what I desire right now.

"Of course I want to," I declare, my heart melting in my chest.

The fear of rejection disappears from Lexa's stare and she suddenly stands up, tenderly catching me with her arms. People clap again. I feel like this day will forever be engraved in my memories. Even more when I see Matt filming with a foolish smile right before Lexa passionately kisses me.

"MOMMY IS GETTING MARRIED !" Tris yells amongst her school mates' cries of surprise.

Lexa slips the ring on my finger. The chocolate smell has become iconic.

A huge weight is thrown on me.

"My baby is engaged !"

My mother. I wonder if she didn't push Lexa to ask, she loves her and doesn't stop spoiling Tris. Gladly the latter is a pragmatic child, otherwise presents would have already gotten to her head.

Thinking of presents, it's time to open them, even if I think this moment is already the best gift Lexa could have given her daughter.

* * *

Lexa

She said yes. I feared she would find it to be too soon, but it is to say I had already gotten Clarke's opinion on marriage, and from what she had told me, she wasn't against it. Today, it is confirmed.

We come together around the coffee table on which the presents are brought. Tris starts to open the big box Clarke and I bought for her. The paper torn off, Tris' eyes grow wide in amazement.

We wanted to offer her her first big-girl bike, without the small wheels. I already see her open the box which protected it during delivery. Seeing her joy, we will probably test it tomorrow morning.

"THANK YOU MOMMY AND CLARKE !" she exclaims while jumping in our arms.

She kisses us quickly before she goes back to her bike to lay it down in front of her school mates. The presents opening goes on. Books, toys, creative arts tools accumulate under the happy clapping of my daughter.

Clarke, standing at my side, embraces me. She lays a kiss on my cheek. It seems she feels the same as I do.

She's happy.

Her mother is too, I see it. My mother, without saying, must be happy I'm doing better. I managed to rebuild my life, and that's all that matters. I didn't invite her today, because I feel she sees a bit of Costia in Clarke, some danger to me. I didn't want her judgement as I asked Clarke to become my wife. Clarke is not Costia, my mother will realise it someday.

I have Clarke's warmth against my skin. Tris' laughing brings joy to our friends. We haven't been living in this apartment for long, but it's already marked by the most beautiful moments. Every day life isn't always easy, but we hold onto the simplest thing we have.

My fiancée and my daughter are happy. It's enough for me to be as well.

* * *

 **THE END.**


End file.
